I think I’m coming to understand how Ron Burgundy felt when the man punted Baxter. Anchorman references aside, I think that “glass case of emotion” is a pretty accurate description of my last few days. I feel completely trapped. It’s like my days are already planned out for me and the plan is totally lame. I have grown accustomed to getting my radiation treatments, it kind of became the “new normal” pretty quickly. But now I have to stay inside and away from crowds and any group of people where someone could be sick (read: stay away from everyone. It’s flu season after all). I’m a social person by nature so being couped up in the house all the time is pretty much torture. I can have visitors, just can’t go places like church – 😦 – grocery stores, restaurants, etc. Every time the nurse at the radiation center asks me how I’m doing, my answer is usually telling her my frustrations with this situation and not so much the physical side effects she’s looking for. But she’s so sweet and so kind and always reminds me “it’s only temporary”. Yes. Temporary. Right now it doesn’t seem like it, but it’s the truth and deep down I know it. The lonliness and seclusion won’t last forever. My longing to go and do the things we used to do will one day be satisfied, Lord willing. Perhaps someday we will get to take the kids to Disney (my all-time super dream). Makes it a little harder when my husband is currently with the youth group (pretty much my favorite thing) and I’m stuck on the couch feeling so tired that hibernation seems completely plausible.
So before you ask me if I want some cheese with that whine, I wanna tell you how blessed I feel. I have absolutely no specific reason, but it’s a feeling of peace that I can’t shake, and obviously don’t want to. Yesterday I taught myself to crochet and since the kids were at my awesome in-laws’, I had a little time to sit and try it out. So I put my Bible app on Job and let it read it out loud. I told myself I wasn’t gonna stop til it was over. So one completely depressing hour later, I felt super lucky that I only have cancer! Lol. Job 1:21 says, “The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; let the name of the Lord be praised.” And this was after some pretty bad stuff had happened to him. No seriously, you think you’ve got problems?? Even his wife told him to curse God and die (ha…women!), but he didn’t. I’m sure I don’t fully understand the whole theology of the book, but I did get out of it that Job’s friends were kinda turds when they kept insisting that God was punishing Job for some sin and that people who truly serve God would be protected from things like that. But Job knew that wasn’t the case.
All this to say, things have been taken from me (hopefully temporarily): social events of any kind, any feeling of wakefulness, my normal looks, a feeling of being able to take care of my family, sense of freedom, etc.
But things have been given! A renewed sense of intimacy with the Lord, a new idea of what it means to walk in faith, a more humble spirit in asking for and recieving help from others, some friendships have grown, I am still able to spend loads of time with my hubby and kids, etc.
I choose to believe there’s good in every situation and that God is absolutely and wholly in charge of this. And let His name be praised!! ((insert Natalie Grant’s “Your Great Name” So far I feel pretty good physically and that is awesome. Here’s a song by Israel & New Breed to celebrate that! Such a fun song http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=mQqBFvTQ_2E
Here I am after my 13th treatment:
Woohoo!! 7 to go – I CAN do this! Not sure why I felt the need to take a pic, but you gotta remember I’m documenting this for myself too. Still can’t fully use my lip and my face is still super swollen. I’m a little worse for the wear, but I’m still here! “By Your grace I live and breathe to worship You.”
And since this has been my most random post ever, let’s keep it going with a pic of our dog in our son’s underwear (: