I did it again! I cried. Not just cried, ugly cried. I couldn’t help it, all of my hair in the radiation area decided to fall out at the same time. Seriously just like popped out. So I did what any girl would do; I sobbed hysterically in the shower while raking fistfulls of hair out of my scalp. Haha I know it’s ridiculous. I mean, if I wear my hair down no one would ever even know it was missing. So why did this bother me so much? Was it because it was a sign that cancer and treatments have a lot of control in my life and over my body these days? Maybe. Was it a scary preview of what chemo might be like? Yeah, I guess. But, if I’m being honest, I think it was just another blow to my already fragile self-esteem.
I have always been someone who struggled with whatever the opposite of vanity is. Would that be low self-esteem? I have never been someone who could just accept way I looked. I always struggled with my weight and never lived up to what I thought I should look like. And since I’m out of touch with reality, I thought I should look like Gisele Bundchen. Here’s the frustrating part, looking back, I used to look good! I looked like me and all along that was just fine. Here is a pic from our wedding:
But seriously, if you would have asked me 5 years ago how I looked in this pic, I could have easily pointed out 10 or so flaws and would have picked myself apart. Sheesh.What must God think when we do that? Our ministry with the teens leaves me so sad when I hear the girls picking themselves apart the same way I used to (who am I kidding – still do) and I’m just sitting there staring at these beautiful young ladies, these flawless creations of our Creator just wanting to cry. Wanting to shake each one of them and say, “Stop it! What is wrong with you?!” But I don’t do that because who needs a lawsuit for harrassment?? Lol. But it just seems like this beast runs rampant. This voice that tells us we are “less than” and that our unique character traits that God handpicked for us are “flaws” that need to be hidden, covered, fixed, etc. We need to understand that the concept of what’s beautiful changes between cultures and through generations. Seriously, look at pictures of your parents when they were your age. Would you wear your hair like that? That’s a big no. (Sorry Mom!!) And would you ever wear those clothes? Neevvvverrrr. But she still looks beautiful and it has nothing to do with the fads, her weight, her makeup, any of that nonsense. So what I’m trying to figure out is why we obsess and become a slave to something that like literally doesn’t matter? I’m talkin to me here too, people!
I don’t have an answer to that question. But I do have a solution. Let’s look at a really popular verse in the Bible: Psalm 139:13-14. This is David talking to God and he says, “For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.”
You’ve probably heard the last part of this dozens of times. But think about it. You’re not just some random composite of your parents’ dna but a purposeful creation of God! Wow. God knows your struggles and knows your “anxious thoughts” as David says in verse 23. And here’s the best part – He cares. He has given all of us something completely amazing and in no way tangible; he gave us all potential. All of us, no matter our circumstances. Use it. Don’t let it go by. Don’t wait for tomorrow – I’m living proof that you never know what tomorrow will bring. Cancer brings a unique set of challenges but we all have our issues, right? It’s time to step up and find our purpose and let our identity be found solely in Christ. Then you can look at yourself in a whole new light.
Now surgery has left me with a swollen face on the right side and several more chins than I’m comfortable with. And now the hair loss. Here it is:
I’m hoping Rihanna does this to her hair soon so I’ll just look like a trend setter (;
What I’m getting at is maybe God is showing me what a waste of time all that was. My realization is if I want to truly be changed by God the way I say I do, then I need to accept the changes that I don’t understand and, quite frankly, don’t like. Job 2:10 says, “Shall we accept good from God and not trouble?” My pal Job gets it. We can’t be refined without going through the fire. And we can’t be changed if our hearts aren’t completely open to God’s will for us. And trust me, it’s hardly ever what you’d pick for yourself. It’s better. Psalm 9:10 (can you tell I’m reading Psalms a lot lately??) says, “you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you.” Never! You hear that?? NEVER!! What an awesome God we serve. I’ll end on that note, but I am going to add….
5 MORE TREATMENTS!!! :))