This wasn’t supposed to happen…

I knew it wasn’t gonna be good when I heard the voicemail from my oncologist saying two alarming things: 1. “I want to go over your pet scan results” well, if all was good, it’d be a nurse calling. Also, no mention of the mri or bloodwork I had done at the same time. Just the pet scan. 2. He had me call him back on his cell phone. Yikes. So I call him back and he proceeds to tell me that my scan came back abnormal. I’ll take a sec here to explain the basics of a pet scan for those that don’t know. Also, since I have no clue how it all works or the science behind it, the basics are all you’re gonna get from me! Basically, they inject you with a radioactive dye with sugars in it and then they scan your body to see where the sugars are taken up. Cancer cells uptake sugar faster and in high quantities, so areas with cancer will quite literally light up on a pet scan. You can see where this is going. There are 3 lymph nodes on the left side of my neck now that are uptaking sugar in a way that suggests cancer and one of those lymph nodes is enlarged. For those that don’t know, I had a full lymphnodectomy on the right side of my face and neck (52 nodes removed) and radiation there as well. So here is what it boils down to, I will get a needle biopsy of the enlarged lymph node tomorrow at 2:30 at Penn. I am praying for a fluke! If it is melanoma, then I am kicked out of my comfy stage 3 spot and pushed into stage 4. If it’s stage 4, then I cannot be in the clinical trial that I was signing up for but would be getting the ipilimumab anyway since it’s approved for stage 4. My oncologist seemed to think this would be very odd behavior for melanoma, typically it runs the path down into the organs and doesn’t do a “u-turn” like it is here. That of course makes me hope that it’s just some random fluke and I’m just getting a cold but I don’t want to get my hopes up. If it’s nothing, I can go into the clinical trial as planned. If it’s melanoma, I would probably have to do surgery and radiation all over again but on my left side this time and adding the ipilimumab in there somewhere.

This all makes me sick to my stomach. I don’t know how to react to this. I can’t stop crying and I’m so angry right now. Whether it’s counting my chickens before they’re hatched or not, I can’t help thinking of my kids growing up without me. I can’t stop picturing my hisband laying in bed alone every night. It’s just too much right now. This is not anything I had planned for; I’m not ready for this. I’m not strong enough for this. I don’t know how people do this. Before today, I kept trying to stay ahead of this. When I couldn’t stay ahead, I just tried to keep up saying, “Yup I’m in on this plan and I’m along for the ride.” But I feel left behind now. Like I’m just watching my life run away from me and I can’t do anything to stop it. I feel so helpless. And just so sad. I know it’s not confirmed stage 4 and I know that even then there’s hope. I don’t want to feel like this but I can’t seem to shake it. This song pretty much sums it up: “Worn” beautiful song, but I never really wanted to relate to it on this level. I feel like I’m done trying to make sense of this. I’m just throwing my hands up in the air and surrendering. I know I will have better days soon and things will seem brighter tomorrow, but for now I’m just so, so sad about all this.

But it doesnt change a few facts: I have the best family and friends, God is good, and we are gonna have a blast in Florida next week!!! My sister made this meme of Brit:




21 thoughts on “This wasn’t supposed to happen…

  1. Head up girl. You will get through this. My Putain is a fighter. Seriously. And next week, let the “magic” just overtake it. It’ll be worth it. Sending positive thoughts your way!

  2. I know the plans I have for you declares The Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11.

    Praying for God’s peace to surround you, fill you, and uplift you during this time. Continue to trust and hope. Our Heavenly Father will never leave your side.

  3. Kim…my heart aches for you. Matt and I cried and prayed together for you and your family. Praying God will not just walk beside you tonight and these next few days but carry you.

    1. Amy, I can’t thank you guys enough for your prayer support and encouragement throughout this. I know you guys want to help, and there will probably be a time soon that we will take you up on it, but just knowing we have friends like you guys is such a help. Thank you!

  4. Hi Kim,
    We have never met but I have been following your blog for quite some time now. I stumbled across it on Facebook and was hooked by your wonderful, witty writing 🙂 I was also touched by your grace, strength, and trust in the Lord. You have made a huge impact on me…and I thank you. I am praying for you and your family. May God bless you, just as you are blessing so many others…that you may not even know 🙂

    1. Shannon – I am so sorry it took so long for me to get back to you, but please know that in the moment I was low, your encouragement really comforted me. Thanks so much for reaching out! 🙂

  5. Hi Kim,
    Just came across your blog on facebook, shared by friends of mine Gina, and Jen, and as I read your powerful, heart exposed words, my heart ached for you. It is a dark and pain filled place to be, when one is struggling to make sense out of what God’s will can possibly be in a situation where hope is so very hard to find and understanding even harder. The song ‘Worn’ , that you referenced to is one of my favorites, because I too can relate to the achingly beautiful, although pain filled, lyrics. Please know that God is still there with you and loves you and your family, even in the midst of this chaos and most difficult tribulation. I pray that His peace will fill you, His strength, will be your strength, and of course for miracles of healing.
    “The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart, and saves such as have a contrite spirit.” Psalm 34:18
    “God does not despise us when we are down and broken…He draws close to us.”
    Sheila Walsh

  6. Precious Kim and family. I have been crying out to the Lord for you. When I heard the news of this yesterday before I saw your blog, I went to my prayer room and pleaded with Jesus to have mercy upon you. He is and He does. As you call out to Jehovah Raphe, He will respond to you with comfort and a peace that passes all understanding.

    1. Char – I’m not quite sure how to thank you. I haven’t met you yet but I do hope someday soon I get to! Your words are always so encouraging and it’s so amazing to have fellow Christ followers rejoicing with us and grieving with us depending on the situation. Thanks again

  7. Kim, I’m friends with some peeps at your church and love following your blog (hate this hard time you are going through though). Thank you for your honesty and persevering attitude. I’m praying for a fluke in your results and that it is not melanoma. One of my favorite verse:
    “Do not be afraid or discouraged, do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go!” Joshua 1:9
    Doesn’t mean it is easy or that it makes sense you are facing such a hard time, but he is with you and he wants you to know his peace today.
    Have a wonderful time in Florida with your family. May it be a time of escape from this hardship. Praying for you like crazy!!
    Heather Hyde
    Avon Grove Nazarene

    1. Thank you so much Heather! The tests came back not cancer!! We couldn’t be more thrilled. Thank you for your encouragement and kind words. Although I am only getting back to you now, I was able to read your message and be comforted by it when you first left it. Thanks again!! 🙂

  8. Kimmie,
    I haven’t seen you since you were a small child. At Aunt Dee Dee’s. But you are part of me not just by blood but are a a sister in Christ with me. I have been pray ing.since I heard the news. I will continue. God is in control. Makes my problems seem minor. Have a blessed time in Fla. Please feel a big hug.

  9. Kim,
    We are sooooo praying for you and your family! Our hearts are breaking for you and your family but know our God is a mighty powerful Healer and we are trusting you to Him. Please know you are being lifted up to Jesus and we are praying. God bless you today and the weeks and months and years to come…
    Pastor Rocky Hambrick
    Ephrata Church of the Nazarene

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