So this is Stage 4…

We got some pretty bad news today, as you can guess. I actually kind of don’t remember a lot of today, but I know that I woke up feeling perfectly fine. Eric called me around 9am to see how I was and as I was talking to him, suddenly I couldn’t see right. My vision was flashing, for lack of a better word, and although my eyes were open and I could see vague shapes, I couldn’t actually see anything. It made me severely nauseous and I told Eric I had to go because I needed to throw up. I don’t remember the in between time (SO thankful Brit wasn’t awake yet and that Evan was fully preoccupied with Minion Rush), but I somehow managed to call my clinical trial nurse and she told me to get to the emergency room. You see, this chemo I’m getting can attack your pituitary gland and the symptoms are really similar to the ones I was experiencing. By this point I was developing a severe headache. Eric called me back a few minutes later and I told him he needed to take me to the ER.

When I got there, they gave me an IV and pain meds. Let me tell you, I’m not one to tout narcotics, but dilaudid is the bomb. I slept through a 45 minute MRI! If you’ve ever had one, you know how loud they are and what a feat that is haha. Luckily, I knew the tech who did the MRI and her presence was really comforting, as out of it as I was.

About an hour after the MRI, the ER doctor came in and said my oncologist wanted to talk to me. Yikes, I knew that wasn’t a good sign. So I get on the phone with Dr. A and he breaks the news- they found a tumor in the right side of my brain that he didn’t see being anything besides melanoma. He said he had already run my case by other doctors and set me up a consult with a neurosurgeon tomorrow, he assures me this is the best neurosurgeon on the east coast. The options are surgical removal or gamma knife radiation, that will depend on where it’s located and what the neurosurgeon thinks is best. My appointment with him is tomorrow at 12:45.

This whole day feels like a dream. I was so out of it and in pain and nauseous and drugged up that it all seems like a blur. It was bizarre from start to finish. I’ve never heard my oncologist sound so concerned, even a little distraught, and to have the ER doctor and nurses telling me they’ll pray for me was just odd. Appreciated, but odd.

My oncologist is someone who just doesn’t get worked up about things, he’s definitely a “wait and see” type, but he was certain, he said I was stage 4 and that he was sure this was cancer. It just doesn’t seem real…


37 thoughts on “So this is Stage 4…

  1. Please know you are definitely in my prayers, my wife’s, my coworkers at work. We are all in this with you,you are not alone

  2. You are in the thoughts and prayers of many! We are praying for you every day! Stay positive and lean on the Lord. He will give you the strength you need to make it through this next hurdle.

  3. Hi kim,
    I don’t know you, personally, but I understand your diagnosis. My daughter was diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma back in 2010. She was only 13. She’s in remission now, but it was touch and go for a few years.
    My heart goes out to you and your family. My family and I will be praying for you. Keep the faith!

  4. Praying Kim-for you and your family! My brother had successful gamma knife on his brain twice! He did really well! Also praying for guidance for your Dr’s!

    1. Wow! That’s great to hear! I was reading up on it and it definitely sounds preferable to brain surgery but I don’t want to get my hopes up. Thanks for letting me know that, I don’t know anyone who’s had it šŸ™‚

  5. I am one who doesn’t jump to conclusions when I get bad news, but I have to make sure that I heard ( read) correctly before I react. I read your well written blog twice. And yes, I did read it right the first time. I am so sorry that you must go through this and I will be praying for you. Thank you for bravely sharing this with us.

  6. Kim, praying to our Abba Father for peace for you and Eric and also wisdom for the doctor you are seeing tomorrow.

  7. Lord, we cry out in your name now that you would fill Kim with the peace that passeth understanding. We know that you are the ultimate healer and giver of life and we pray that with whatever the outcome, we will praise you in the storm. Human brains don’t allow for us to understand you and your timing but we pray that you would provide the peace necessarily to get us through. We draw upon your strength now, may we see your glory shine through. All this in Your name…

    Kim we love you and know that you are always in our prayers. Praying for you, Eric, Evan, Brit and the rest of your family.

      1. You weren’t,t the only one , laying in bed awake at 4 -am praying for you, maybe the surgeon will be the same one that operated on Booth last week šŸ™‚

    1. Jessica, good job , keep the faith, I have a DVD of Kim’s church message that your dad could borrow if u would like to see it

  8. Kim, I haven’t met you yet. I am praying for you and your family. I also will pray for the Dr’s that the Lord will guide them in your healing. You continue to be an inspiration to be in your unwavering faith in God!

  9. I personally know nothing of this subject, but I do know that those who find peace in this situation are those who completely accept what could happen and embrace the uncertainty completely.

    Jesus said:

    Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[a]?

    Then he says:

    But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.

    Just accept what it is now. I know it’s easy for me to say, but I feel like peace is the goal right now, and acceptance is not giving up, it’s creating an environment so life can work for you, instead of against you.

    I hope I didn’t come off as a person who refuses to understand or is dogmatic. I’ll pray for your peace. That’s the only thing that matters.

  10. Your blog has made its way onto my Facebook page and I too….yes a stranger to you am praying for God to surround you and heal you. Sending Strength for the days ahead and a huge hug from one mommy to another

  11. We prayed for you at our Senior breakfast this morning…(a bunch of old foggies from Josh Buckwalter’s church. :>)

    God is in control, and He loves you so much.

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