There’s a point in all this where one must come to an acceptance of all possible outcomes. I still believe that God can heal me, while knowing that He may choose not to. It’s frustrating mostly because I just am searching for the plan in it, and at this point I’m failing miserably. But in a situation like this, although my body feels so limited from the effects of this tumor, my mind is racing constantly. I can’t seem to settle on a resting place: either God will heal me and I will be fine or…the typical outcome for stage 4 melanoma. It’s torture at this point to be mentally hopping back and forth between feeling at peace and then feeling just really, really sad.
So I decided to write an open letter to my children, just in case the unthinkable happens before I have time to do all the other things for them that I’m planning so they can know what’s on my heart right this second.
To my sweet babies:
Mommy would never want to leave you. You are the pride and joy of my whole life and I never knew how deeply and truly I could love until I met you two. God has such big plans for your life and I pray that you realize this very early on and turn from this world with all its backwards thinking and teachings. Mommy lived that way for 23 years before accepting Christ and I have never once missed it or yearned to go back to that. You were created, not just by mommy and daddy, but by a God who loves you. A good God who will guide you in every step. You are not a product of chance as the world would have you believe, but a special and beautiful creation of our great creator. You are unique and your special talents and personalities will make you uniquely qualified in some area where God wants you. My heart aches that I may not be here physically to see the amazing people you become, but should the unthinkable happen, I will be watching over you and I will be waiting for you to give the biggest hugs EVER! No rush though, you have a lot to accomplish down here first.
I pray that you are quickly able to discern things of lasting importance versus things that are simply set as traps. It’s ok to have interests and hobbies, like sports or art, but don’t let it define you. Don’t let it become the most important thing. Never forget your purpose, and use your passions to help further God’s kingdom, he needs good workers!
I know that if Mommy goes to be with Jesus before you’re very old, it may cause some anger or resentment on your part towards Him, and while I want you to work through these feelings, do not let them take hold! Mommy has told God through sacrificing my life to Him that I am on board with His plan, and that means even when we don’t particularly like or understand it. I would never ever want to leave you. Not ever. And maybe I won’t quite yet! But if I do, I need you to know that only in loving, true faith to Jesus Christ can we be reunited again someday. The world will tell you this is closed minded and judgemental and will try to keep you quiet by saying things like that, but that is just proof all the more that this truth needs told. Don’t let the false ideals of rebellion, personal success, or blind independence trump the beauty and honor of a simple life dedicated to Christ.
Go easy on your father. He is a good, good man who loves the Lord and I am confident in his abilities to raise you should I pass on. It would be in your best interest to learn from his integrity, work ethic, and unwavering devotion to following Christ. Daddy will be hurting sometimes too, so just keep that in mind. And should daddy ever meet a new friend who will become a big part of your life, I pray that you can accept her and love her. I know she will be a woman after God’s heart and someone who would love you and take care of you. Don’t forget that you’re allowed to have feelings about it, they just need worked through in a healthy way. Go easy on her. No worries, my babies, Daddy has great taste in women 😉
Far future note for both of you: be discerning in your choice of friends and in your dating life. These two things, if done right, will keep you out of trouble that you don’t need to be in. Be future minded, as burdensome as that can be. Think to yourself: is this really worth it? Is it worth it to lose my purity for some short term pleasure that will just result in guilt? Is it even worth it to go to that party where they are sure to be doing things that daddy would not approve of? These pleasures are temporary at best, and simply open the gateway to other more dangerous decisions. Please guard your heart!! Seek a life of humble joy.
My sweet boy with the biggest heart. You are one smart cookie and I’m so happy to be your mommy. You came into this world with a strong will and a sweet soul, these two things in the combination you have them can be used for big things should you let them. Learning to submit can be very hard, but in the end, submission to God’s will does not mean rolling over and being a door mat. It means that He wants to use your special qualities in a way that only He can and once you can rest in that purpose, you will have joy and peace.
I love your imagination and passion for telling stories. I love how you make up words and expect us all to know what they mean, and sometimes even ask how to spell them. I love that you always snuggle with me while watching tv or playing Minion Rush and just how engaging and wonderful and friendly you are. You are a joy, a total joy, and while I may not be here physically to help you through things, I will always have your back and will always be cheering you on.
My sweet, beautiful princess. You have burst into this world with a spunk and a zest for life. I’m amazed at your bravery and fearlessness. Mommy doesn’t have these qualities, so I find you to be mystifying in a really beautiful way. In other words, I look up to you! You have a big and beautiful spirit that you should never feel ashamed of or that you need to keep quiet. The world will tell you you are only as good as you look. They will try to sell you every beauty product and tell you that if you aren’t the prettiest, or the skinniest, or the one all the boys want, that you aren’t worth anything. But again, the world is wrong and full of lies. Hold out for the man who tells you differently. Who is in love with your gentle spirit and spunk. Hold out for the one that God created for you.
I love your sweet giggle and how fast you’re learning everything. I love how you do something silly and make us all laugh then declare, “I funny!”. You are already a great communicator and have such a sweet nature. I am so excited for the woman you will become! You have been a mommy’s girl since day one and I’ve loved every sweet snuggle and every single second of being your mommy. I will always love you and be cheering you on!
I am so proud of you two. You and your daddy are my whole world. I know that things may get tough for a little while, but you are my strong, sweet babies and I know you will be just fine. You have so many people who love you with all their hearts and will help take care of you and show you the way. This letter was very hard for mommy to write because the thought of leaving you is too much to bear. I know that there’s no guarantees in life, so don’t take any single day for granted. Every day and every person has a purpose and it is our job as Christ followers to never, ever forget that.
More than anything, just know that I love you with my whole heart, my whole being, my everything. You and your daddy are the best things that ever happened to me. And I will love you forever.