A Letter to my Children

There’s a point in all this where one must come to an acceptance of all possible outcomes. I still believe that God can heal me, while knowing that He may choose not to. It’s frustrating mostly because I just am searching for the plan in it, and at this point I’m failing miserably. But in a situation like this, although my body feels so limited from the effects of this tumor, my mind is racing constantly. I can’t seem to settle on a resting place: either God will heal me and I will be fine or…the typical outcome for stage 4 melanoma. It’s torture at this point to be mentally hopping back and forth between feeling at peace and then feeling just really, really sad.

So I decided to write an open letter to my children, just in case the unthinkable happens before I have time to do all the other things for them that I’m planning so they can know what’s on my heart right this second.

To my sweet babies:
Mommy would never want to leave you. You are the pride and joy of my whole life and I never knew how deeply and truly I could love until I met you two. God has such big plans for your life and I pray that you realize this very early on and turn from this world with all its backwards thinking and teachings. Mommy lived that way for 23 years before accepting Christ and I have never once missed it or yearned to go back to that. You were created, not just by mommy and daddy, but by a God who loves you. A good God who will guide you in every step. You are not a product of chance as the world would have you believe, but a special and beautiful creation of our great creator. You are unique and your special talents and personalities will make you uniquely qualified in some area where God wants you. My heart aches that I may not be here physically to see the amazing people you become, but should the unthinkable happen, I will be watching over you and I will be waiting for you to give the biggest hugs EVER! No rush though, you have a lot to accomplish down here first.

I pray that you are quickly able to discern things of lasting importance versus things that are simply set as traps. It’s ok to have interests and hobbies, like sports or art, but don’t let it define you. Don’t let it become the most important thing. Never forget your purpose, and use your passions to help further God’s kingdom, he needs good workers!

I know that if Mommy goes to be with Jesus before you’re very old, it may cause some anger or resentment on your part towards Him, and while I want you to work through these feelings, do not let them take hold! Mommy has told God through sacrificing my life to Him that I am on board with His plan, and that means even when we don’t particularly like or understand it. I would never ever want to leave you. Not ever. And maybe I won’t quite yet! But if I do, I need you to know that only in loving, true faith to Jesus Christ can we be reunited again someday. The world will tell you this is closed minded and judgemental and will try to keep you quiet by saying things like that, but that is just proof all the more that this truth needs told. Don’t let the false ideals of rebellion, personal success, or blind independence trump the beauty and honor of a simple life dedicated to Christ.

Go easy on your father. He is a good, good man who loves the Lord and I am confident in his abilities to raise you should I pass on. It would be in your best interest to learn from his integrity, work ethic, and unwavering devotion to following Christ. Daddy will be hurting sometimes too, so just keep that in mind. And should daddy ever meet a new friend who will become a big part of your life, I pray that you can accept her and love her. I know she will be a woman after God’s heart and someone who would love you and take care of you. Don’t forget that you’re allowed to have feelings about it, they just need worked through in a healthy way. Go easy on her. No worries, my babies, Daddy has great taste in women 😉

Far future note for both of you: be discerning in your choice of friends and in your dating life. These two things, if done right, will keep you out of trouble that you don’t need to be in. Be future minded, as burdensome as that can be. Think to yourself: is this really worth it? Is it worth it to lose my purity for some short term pleasure that will just result in guilt? Is it even worth it to go to that party where they are sure to be doing things that daddy would not approve of? These pleasures are temporary at best, and simply open the gateway to other more dangerous decisions. Please guard your heart!! Seek a life of humble joy.

To Evan:
My sweet boy with the biggest heart. You are one smart cookie and I’m so happy to be your mommy. You came into this world with a strong will and a sweet soul, these two things in the combination you have them can be used for big things should you let them. Learning to submit can be very hard, but in the end, submission to God’s will does not mean rolling over and being a door mat. It means that He wants to use your special qualities in a way that only He can and once you can rest in that purpose, you will have joy and peace.

I love your imagination and passion for telling stories. I love how you make up words and expect us all to know what they mean, and sometimes even ask how to spell them. I love that you always snuggle with me while watching tv or playing Minion Rush and just how engaging and wonderful and friendly you are. You are a joy, a total joy, and while I may not be here physically to help you through things, I will always have your back and will always be cheering you on.

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Written all by himself!

To Brit:
My sweet, beautiful princess. You have burst into this world with a spunk and a zest for life. I’m amazed at your bravery and fearlessness. Mommy doesn’t have these qualities, so I find you to be mystifying in a really beautiful way. In other words, I look up to you! You have a big and beautiful spirit that you should never feel ashamed of or that you need to keep quiet. The world will tell you you are only as good as you look. They will try to sell you every beauty product and tell you that if you aren’t the prettiest, or the skinniest, or the one all the boys want, that you aren’t worth anything. But again, the world is wrong and full of lies. Hold out for the man who tells you differently. Who is in love with your gentle spirit and spunk. Hold out for the one that God created for you.

I love your sweet giggle and how fast you’re learning everything. I love how you do something silly and make us all laugh then declare, “I funny!”. You are already a great communicator and have such a sweet nature. I am so excited for the woman you will become! You have been a mommy’s girl since day one and I’ve loved every sweet snuggle and every single second of being your mommy. I will always love you and be cheering you on!

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"Bucky pretty!"

I am so proud of you two. You and your daddy are my whole world. I know that things may get tough for a little while, but you are my strong, sweet babies and I know you will be just fine. You have so many people who love you with all their hearts and will help take care of you and show you the way. This letter was very hard for mommy to write because the thought of leaving you is too much to bear. I know that there’s no guarantees in life, so don’t take any single day for granted. Every day and every person has a purpose and it is our job as Christ followers to never, ever forget that.

More than anything, just know that I love you with my whole heart, my whole being, my everything. You and your daddy are the best things that ever happened to me. And I will love you forever.

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20 thoughts on “A Letter to my Children

  1. Kim, I don’t know you personally; I’m a friend of your Mom, but I pray for you every day. Your soul is beautiful and I so admire your outlook on life. This letter to your babies is perfect in so many ways. They are so lucky to have you as their mother. I wish you strength, peace, and good health. You are loved and thought about by many.

  2. Precious sister in Christ. May the Lord Jesus bring you complete healing on this earth. Thank you for sharing your letter with the world. To God be all the glory.

  3. I can only begin to imagine how difficult it was to write that letter. You did an excellent job and covered so many aspects of their future. It was very thought out and very well written. I wish that would have had a letter from my mother to read and cherish. What a selfless act! I have been praying for you and will continue to pray for God’s healing.

  4. Oh my Kim…you made me cry….I can only imagine how you must be feeling..The letter was absolutely beautiful. My prayers are with you!!

  5. So beautiful, Kim….Your selflessness in writing this is amazing. God has given your children an amazingly godly mommy! There are no words to tell you how much you are loved! Keep holding on to Jesus…Pam

  6. This took courage and grace and marvelous insight from one so young. I really believe this letter could be shared with everyone who wants to put their own lives into perspective. You spelled it all out – how we should live and the attitudes to carry into every aspect of life. Praying the Lord will give you life for many years to come on this earth with your family – realizing that the Lord could let this follow the natural progression means you are leaving an invaluable legacy for them and for the rest of us.
    I just read Daniel 12:3 with new eyes. I think it fits you. “Those who are wise will shine like the brightness of the heavens, and those who lead many to righteousness, like the stars for ever and ever.
    Thank you for shining here on earth for all to find their way to Jesus. Love, Char

  7. I am ptryaing for you, we do not know each other, but one of our mutual friends shared this on Facebook and it just breaks my heart 😦 Praying for complete healing!!

  8. Kim I do not know you, I work with your cousin Krista Reiff…Krista has been having us pray for you for some time now…she told us how amazing you are and she was absolutely right!! This brought tears to my eyes…I pray for you healing and your peace….what a beautiful soul you have.

  9. You don’t know me and I don’t know you…..but I feel like I know you as you have shared your heart and your faith and the love of your family….I sit here with tears streaming down my face as I can’t fathom what you must be feeling inside and it breaks my heart in two for each one of you. You are an amazing wife and mother and as I read this …..I only realize how many of us take our lives and health for granted and I am sure you have affected many lives as they see and feel your faith through your words of love from your heart that God has placed there. GOD BLESS AND BE WITH YOU AND YOUR PRECIOUS FAMILY! Thank you for sharing to give strength to so many …..you are a blessing!

  10. Dear Kim, your letter made me cry. I can’t imagine being in your shoes and writing such a hard letter to my children! I continue to pray to our loving Heavenly Father, Abba Father, Jehovah Rophe on your behalf for complete healing. You are truly a wonderful woman of God!!

  11. Reblogged this on Kim's Blog and commented:

    I wrote this just a few days after being pushed to stage 4 this past June. It hurts my heart to read it now, but every word is as true today as it was then. Trying to learn how to reblog, I’ve never tried to but I figured this was one I’d like to remember. What a journey this is…

  12. Dear Kim,

    I know what it feels like to need to write letters of encouragement to my children. It’s heart wrenching, but one of the most responsible acts of love.

    When I was told to put my affairs in order because I may only have ten days to live, I sought God’s face when writing my memoir, “Ten Days to Live”…

    “Tucking my knees under me and throwing a warm cover over my lap, I turned to the Book of Daniel, and found the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. As told in chapter three, these three young men were going to be thrown into a fiery furnace because they wouldnot bow down to King Nebuchadnezzar and denounce their own God. I had read the story many times, but my eyes searched for a particular passage. Finding it, I sat up and began reading aloud the words of the three young men. ‘We know that our God can save us, but if he chooses not to, he is still worthy to be praised.’ There it was; this is what I needed to hold on to. God was big enough to heal my brain, but if he chose not to, he was still worthy to be praised.”

    Hold tight to truth, Kim. Whatever is in your future, you will bless those around you with truth.

    1. Wow that is really wild! Ten days to live, sounds like an awful thing to hear, but what you wrote is really amazing! Thanks for sharing that with me, and I’m really glad to have found your blog, it’s nice to feel not so alone (:

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