UPDATE FIRST: So I had written this post last night but it wasn’t publishing, so I was just going to try to post it this morning. Little did I know that around 4:30 or so I would suffer some major seizures. I just remember yelling for Eric as loud as I could, then I remember all these strangers in my house staring at me and asking questions then putting me in an ambulance. I couldn’t remember anything, and the questions kept coming. They weren’t being rude or annoying, just trying to figure out where I was at mentally. We got to the hospital, got settled in, and then I had another one. Next I know I wake up at Penn! Still trying to get my brain together, everything still seems foggy, but otherwise feel pretty good. I will have to stay here for a few days for observation, stay on anti-seizure meds forever, and maybe never drive again (but definitely not for 6 months). So that’s where we’re at! Now back to regularly scheduled programming lol
Ok, so I know I’ve technically had the tumor for more than a week, but, as they say, ignorance is bliss and I was sure none the wiser! Until my episode last Tuesday, I was fine. That’s what I cannot get over. I felt good overall, was capable of doing what I needed to do, and I was able to not feel like a “cancer patient” in life. I was comfy and happy in my little stage 3 bubble, just enough cancer to have a leg to stand on in discussion and ministry, but not enough to be “prognosis worthy”. If that makes any sense! Stage 3 really did become a comfortable place for me, and I had no reason to believe I’d be anything but for a very, very long time.
Then. Came. Tuesday.
The day everything changed in huge and unrectifiable ways. (I don’t know if “unrectifiable” is a word…) The day that I was catapulted out of my safety net and thrust into the reality of what stage 4 cancer feels like.
Hollow. Empty. Unnerving, for sure.
Like everything was just one the verge of shattering. These feelings have crept with me all week, but praise the good Lord, I do believe I am gaining little bits of perspective here and there as I open myself back up to Him. At first I felt really numb to Him, honestly. I wasn’t mad at God or bitter, just didn’t really want to acknowledge Him or seek Him. That’s a sad place to be. As things sink in better, I’m more able to seek Him and, of course, in seeking- we find!
*Let me just pause here and say, I am in no way trying to just get tons of attention or pity or anything. Blogging has proven to be a very therapeutic outlet for me and oftentimes helps me sleep better and gain clarity. I honestly don’t know if I’ll be blogging more or less in the coming weeks, not that you are all waiting with bated breath for my next few syllables haha, it’s just that while my thoughts are many, they are scattered. So we’ll see what happens! Ok, sorry, disclaimer over*
So most of you know by now that my tumor was diagnosed a week ago after I had an episode of vision loss and had to go to the ER. I was proclaimed stage 4 and my whole life changed. It wasn’t thinking ahead in years anymore, it was months. I’m not limiting myself or my God, but there’s definitely something in you that says, “well if you were gonna do it, now might be a good time!” Not anything silly like vacations or bucket lists, but just things you’d like to get in order, just in case.
Unfortunately, the tumor left me feeling pretty nauseous and dizzy and without sleep (also attributed to stress! Don’t want that turd getting too much credit). So my week looked a lot like this:
There was a lot of crying, a lot of moping, and a lot of pity parties! No fun, there’s not cake at those…
But there were good things too! I would actually venture out on a limb and say the good outweighed the bad this week. I didn’t feel good, so I had to slow it down. I can’t drive or be alone with the kids for fear of another “episode” at this point, so that meant: company! I always had someone here with me and the kids, whether Eric, or our family, or friends stopping by. It was nice! And since the kids weren’t feeling great either, there was a lot of this:
Then today [yesterday now] I got to go and get the gamma knife procedure which was…interesting! The procedure itself wasn’t painful or anything, but it did involve getting this contraption screwed to my head:
Mmm yup, big scary spiky screws all up in my skull! 4 of them, to be exact. I was sedated while they put it on, but was fully awake for them to take it off! The tools, the sounds, the cracking…I almost passed out! So I have these painful spots in my head now (not horrible, but definitely there), and I’m so over tired and out of it. Which has me feeling a bit like grumpy cat at the moment…
But here’s the really cool part about today, and actually the whole week, we found out in a huge way just how enormous and loving and faithful our support group is! People we know and people we don’t! There were people all day, lots of people, praying and fasting for me. That is wild. So many people reached out to us in various ways and have offered to help or offered encouragement or whatever. And every bit of it has been appreciated! I haven’t thought of a good way to thank everyone, but I wish I could. Because we are sincerely, truly, humbly grateful for everything ❤
I know this post is random and not carefully written by any means, but, meh, what can ya do?