Some may argue that I didn’t have much up there to begin with haha but I definitely miss what I had! I’m learning a lot these days. More than I ever wanted to or felt the need to, but I’m grateful for the lessons anyway. It’s been a very challenging few days physically as my brain is still trying to make normal connections after the seizures I experienced the other day seemed to really mess things up. But, just like the nurses in the Neuro ICU promised, every day gets a little better and I am able to do more and feel more normal with each passing day. Today (Sunday) is the first day that I feel like I can walk almost normally, so that’s really cool. Up til now, it’s been a huge, slow, agonizing struggle. I feel like with every step my brain is literally telling each foot to go as it needs to. It is not automatic at this point and has been a major source of frustration. I still have a feeling of detachment, almost, and fogginess mentally where connections just aren’t being made right, but again, every day this seems to be getting better.
Some of the particular difficulties have been feeling helpless and confused, taking more drugs than I ever have in my whole life (going from zero pills a day to about 20 a day is a big change, especially when some of them are super high doses of steroids), and an overwhelming fear of having more seizures. I’m scared to go to sleep quite honestly for fear of having these episodes again. I am on a very high dose of anti-seizure meds so it’s highly unlikely that I’ll ever have them again, but it’s still a hard fear to shake.
One of the oddest side effects of all this (not sure if it’s the tumor itself or an effect of the seizures yet) is that there is some familiarity part of my brain that is working over time. I kid you not, every person I have seen since this happened, I have known. Everyone seems familiar. I “knew” every nurse, every doctor, every valet person at the hospital. And I’ve “known” everyone I’ve seen since. And I mean everyone. Every person I see, although logically I know I don’t know them, I can’t shake the feeling that I do know them from somewhere and my brain is constantly trying to place where I know them from. It’s really, really weird. It’s so real that I’m still not convinced that I don’t know them! Even though I know I don’t. Haha, hard to explain, sorry! But just goes to show ya how important your brain really is! When something is wrong with it, it affects everything.
The hardest part about all this though, is definitely the lack of normal life. I crave my old, boring life in the biggest way. I know things are just different now, and I am definitely on the road to acceptance there, but that doesn’t mean I don’t mourn the loss of just taking care of my family and doing just normal things without thinking about it. But we have the most amazing people in our lives who are helping make this transition as seamless as possible. Our families and friends are truly endlessly supportive and we are so grateful for all the help and love we’ve been getting. I must admit though, it’s hard to accept this kind of attention. It’s kind of impossible to not be noticed at this point. But I know that if the tables were turned and it was someone else going through it, I would want to do all the same things for them that people are doing for us. So we want to again thank everyone for everything. Thank you for your texts, calls, visits, cards, scriptures, just letting us know that your praying for us, donations, meals, it’s all so appreciated. We feel so loved and taken care of!!
There is one thing through all this though that I am super grateful for: I have completely lost any form of filter I may have had before. It’s gone. I will say anything at this point because, well, what are people gonna do? Yell at me? Haha I don’t think so!! I’m realizing it’s too important and I just don’t care what people think anymore. So, here’s my offer, if you wanna talk, let’s talk. I’m still here and still breathing, so therefore I am still able to proclaim God’s goodness and preach salvation through Jesus Christ. Consider me a judgement-free zone where you can ask blunt questions and I can hopefully give you answers or at least get you thinking. Let’s talk. Come for a visit, Facebook message me, text me, leave a message here, or email me at firstname.lastname@example.org
I’m not gone yet and my purpose is still clear, so while I can’t promise when I’ll get back to you, I promise to make it as quick as I can. There’s no way to offend me or shock me at this point, so no worries, and anything you say is confidential. I just want to be a resource for as long as I can, so that’s what I’m going to do!
Have a great day, everyone!