Getting bumped to stage 4 has been the scariest, most ridiculous experience of my life. But at the same time, it has given me so much clarity and so much perspective. That’s really why I haven’t been blogging much yet on the actual experience of what it feels like, because it’s so heavy. In a good way, though, oddly enough! It’s a lot to take in and a lot to sort out, we’ll put it that way. My mind simply cannot shut off at night because the thoughts are going 1,000 miles an hour in about 30 different directions. I feel like there’s so much I want to say and relay to people, but it’s hard to know where to start.
So I’ll start by saying that as hard as this is, and I know will continue to be, there are some really great things happening here. And since I like lists…..
1. God is good!! He is as good today as He was when I was still living in cancer-free ignorant bliss! God didn’t cause this, but He allowed it. And I am going to make the most of every single opportunity that He presents me while I’m still here to do it! If Paul can do it from prison, I sure can do it in a blog or a speech or something. I am so excited that I get to speak at another church coming up here in July. Who would have ever thought?? This experience has ignited my passion in a huge way, so I’m grateful to be able to have this platform in some respects. I never would have picked it, that’s for sure, but since it’s what I’ve got, I’m gonna use it.
2. I am not scared to die. There is no part of me that is scared of death. I know exactly where I’m going, and I don’t care if it sounds cheesy, I cannot wait to give Jesus a huge hug. I am undeserving of heaven, as we all are, but thankfully Jesus took one for the team and decided to come and give us all the chance to get into that club. In all seriousness though, I remember before my diagnosis, I had told God several times (and meant it) that if my death would bring more people to Christ than my life would, that He could take me. Especially my kids. If my passing would in some way push them towards a Christ-following life, then I am on board with only some hesitation (hey, I don’t know if you can watch Pitch Perfect in Heaven!!)
3. Please don’t think that me speaking this candidly about death is me giving up or giving in, I’m going to fight this! I will fight this disease because the disease itself is a jerk and I hate it. I will do what I have to do to make sure that I am around for as long as I possibly can. God is making it clear that He’s not quite done with me yet, so whether or not I’m on a shortened timeline, I’m still gonna bust out life like a champ, cuz that’s what we’re here to do!
4. A few months before my diagnosis, I was praying a lot about the idea of what a life fully dependent on God really looks like today. What does full surrender in all areas of life even look like?? Was I living like that? The answer was no. I’m still not sure 100% obviously, but I know that I have walked by faith more in the last 8 months than I ever have in the 7 years of being a Christian before that, even with being mindful of it. I do not have a choice anymore. God is sustaining us day by day, just like He promises. Wow. That’s pretty cool!! And this is why I have a hard time being mad at God or resenting Him, because He has made His peace and His presence so known to us that it’s truly undeniable.
5. I’m not strong or special. I typically only tend to blog during the “up” times, for obvious reasons. Who wants to listen to some blubbering idiot moan and groan on about the hardships of cancer?? I have weak times where I just cry and let my husband hold me while I soak his shirt with tears. These moments are always associated with the thought of leaving him and the kids and our families and just this amazing little life that I have that I love so much. Ok, I’m crying now, ugh! Not that I think crying is a sign of weakness, it’s just that so many people tell me how strong I am, but I’m really not. There isn’t anything inside me that is any different than anyone else. It seems unimaginable, but it all kind of builds on itself and you just take it one day at a time. There’s not any other choice. But trust me, I appreciate all the kind words and encouragement. You guys are, like, really awesome 🙂
Final thought (for now):
6. Learn from me!! I have been given an opportunity that a lot of people don’t get. I get to get my stuff right, pull together loose ends, make sure that when I go, I’ve left something. Maybe we could all learn from this, because this experience just goes to show you that life is unpredictable and short. But while it’s short, it’s sweet and it’s good and it’s beautiful!! Life with cancer and life without it is rich and purposeful and amazing. God gave us today. We are here. Let’s make something out of that. You are amazing. And you are a creation of God whose life has purpose and meaning. You are AWESOME. Do something about that and don’t waste it. Don’t let the mundane, everyday things get you down. Trust me, if I could trade places with you and go back to the everyday normal “grind”, I totally would. In a heartbeat!! Well, I wouldn’t want to trade places technically, because then you’d be here, and I don’t want that, but you know what I mean! Find something to be passionate about in everyday life (I highly recommend Jesus) and make every single day a day that means something.
I need to thank you all for your help with the ideas for my kiddos and family, so appreciated!! You seriously have no idea. And more than anything, I need to thank you all who are praying for us and supporting us with love and encouragement. It has been helping us get through every single day. There will never be an adequate way to describe just how much it has all meant to us, so please just accept this humble “thank you!!!”. You guys are the bomb!
Here’s a good shot of us from my sister in law’s wedding yesterday. I’d post more but I’m never sure how other people feel about appearing in my blog, so I tend not to post pics with anyone besides my immediate family in them.
The wedding was so amazing and we are just so happy for them and I was so honored to be a part of it!! And super relieved that I didn’t have a seizure in the middle of it. Seriously, haha. I’m really hurtin today because I haven’t pushed myself that hard in like three weeks, but it was totally worth it!!
My Babies and My Smokin Hott Husband!!! ❤