It’s hard anymore not to think about death. I find myself thinking about it more and more lately. Well, maybe I shouldn’t say thinking about death, but thinking about life on a shortened timeline. I’m constantly aware of my situation and always thinking about the next steps necessary. I actually did something today that I just never imagined I would be doing at my age, I called a local cemetery to ask about plots. I’m hoping it works out though as it’s within walking distance to our house so Eric and the kids could “visit” often. Yes, I know I’m not actually going to be there, but it seems like it might be of comfort to the kids to know that once they are a little older, they can go there and visit with me whenever they’d like. Or maybe that’s just comforting to me. Either way, I think it works out. So I go tomorrow at 10am to discuss with the guy who keeps the cemetery I guess what my options are and…gulp…prices. He didn’t really want to talk over the phone, so I figured I’d just wait til tomorrow to ask about that, but my amazing google-ing skills came up with the average prices falling somewhere between $1,500-4,000 per plot. And we’d be buying two. Really hoping it’s on the cheaper end!! But that’s a once-and-done expense, so I guess it’s really not too bad if you think about it that way.
This also got me thinking about a “bucket list”. For those not familiar with the concept, it’s a list of things you want to achieve, see, do, or experience before you die or “kick the bucket”. Clever, right? So I’ve had a few people ask me if I have one or just in general if I feel like there’s anything that I feel like I need to accomplish before I die. First of all, I’m glad to have people in my life that feel comfortable enough and know me well enough to not feel weird asking me this. It doesn’t bother me one bit to talk about death. In fact, I think I might make some people uncomfortable with how candidly I talk about it. Again, it’s not giving up, it’s acceptance of the most likely outcome. I asked my husband if he thought I was in denial (because I wouldn’t know if I was in denial, right?) and he said no, that it’s acceptance. And he’s a smart dude, so I’ll go with that.
I was admittedly thrown off the first time someone asked me about a bucket list because I had truly never given it much thought besides being mildly annoyed by how it’s like a “thing” now on pinterest and some of the things are just so ridiculous. Case in point:
Why are you buying clothes you don’t like? Why pee in every ocean? Why not swim in every ocean? Sometimes I worry about the human race, but that’s a blog for another day haha. I hope these gave you a good chuckle, as they did me.
So after wracking my brain and feeling like I should be able to think of something, I realized that I’m not really a “dreamer” type in that sense. I’ve always been someone to be content where they are. I was never someone who felt trapped in everyday life, but someone who rather enjoyed the predictability and routine that came along with the daily grind. But I feel like I should be able to think of something! So after wracking what’s left of my brain, I came up with three things:
1. Going to Italy.
It’s always been a dream of mine to see Venice and, let’s be honest, I’ve heard the food ain’t bad. This is most likely not even a possibility at this point due to my condition, aneurysm, and brain tumor, but it’s a fun thought nonetheless. More of like a daydream, the thought of actually going gives me a little anxiety. But I don’t get out much anymore haha. We are so blessed that we got to take a dream Disney vacation from the amazing folks at For Pete’s Sake cancer respite foundation. Their main goal is to make sure that cancer patients and their families get to take a break from the disease and enjoy time together. We feel so fortunate to have been one of the families able to participate with them. What parent doesn’t dream of taking their kids to Disney?? Well, we got to do that. Officially off the bucket list!! If you are looking for a great charity to donate to, this one is legit. Here’s their website: http://www.takeabreakfromcancer.org
2. See Hillsong United live.
I love Hillsong. Like, a lot. So to see them live and worship with them would probably be the coolest thing ever. Also not sure if it’s a possibility as the strobe lights may send me into seizures, among many other hinderances lol. I’m such a dork about them that every time someone checks out my blog from Australia, I think to myself, “maybe it’s Hillsong!!” Right, cuz there aren’t other people in Australia…
3. Experience as much as I can with my family and make as many lasting memories as possible.
Hey! A doable one! This one is for obvious reasons and is definitely something I’m working on. I’m trying to make my time count in this area and be more effective as a parent. In spite of my condition, life goes on and my day to day life still includes a lot of disciplining (read: yelling at) my kids and doing the normal day to day stuff. Although I tire easily and often have intense pressure in my head, I feel pretty good most of the time.
What I came to realize about a bucket list, was that it isn’t about dying at all, but living. It’s about making sure you have goals, and dreams, and things to look forward to. Most of the ones you see include travel, romance, children, adventure, things that we all want. I get the feeling that deep down, we all want to leave feeling like we accomplished something. So I continue to do the work that I believe God has set before me. Cancer has given me my voice and my platform from which to speak and God has provided everything else. I feel content and joyful, and I am confident that I will be able to cross #3 off my list before I go, whenever that may be.
So I gotta know, what’s on your bucket list??