The Fear

Here we go again! We just came home from a super fun week at the beach, which besides a few aches and pains, a few times of feeling not-so-great, and a random seizure Saturday afternoon, was pretty much cancer free. Ahhh…

But then comes this week which thrusts us right back into real life, which for us is a life stained with the trials of living with advanced stage cancer. Shown by the stack of bills we came home to and the fact that tomorrow I go for an MRI of my brain which will tell us several things: it will tell us what, if anything, the gamma ray treatment did to the tumor that we already know about, and it will tell us if there’s anything new. There’s so many possible outcomes that it’s actually a little overwhelming. If there’s nothing new, then why is my vision in my right eye affected? Why did I have a seizure Saturday night? What’s with the headaches and pressure? Am I ready for the major surgery that growth of the tumor entails? Did the tumor go away?? If it grew, I will need to have surgery (not cool) if it went away, then I will throw a stinkin party!

The fear I feel right before these scans is almost palpable. I can’t keep my mind from racing and I’m about 92% sure that I won’t sleep much tonight. It’s nothing I can help and something that I’m sure anyone who must get scans regularly can identify with. I’m not ready to hear what the results are, I’m not ready to leave my husband and kids, I’m not ready to feel like crap every day. I’m not ready for life as I know it to be gone. Although, I must admit, God has provided and kept us close through every change so far, so I’m not sure why I would fear any upcoming changes.

So here goes! I’m humbled again by my weakness, or maybe I shouldn’t say weakness, because I really think it’s just my humanness. I could pray for a miracle, but God gives us the desires of our hearts and he knows that the desire of my heart is for His perfect will to be done. That truly is my heart’s cry, and He knows that, so while I pray for a miracle and for healing, in the back of my mind I’m saying “but if it’s not what you want, then it’s not what I want.” It’s just something I’ll have to reconcile on my own time I guess.

So I leave you with two very comforting songs:

1. Chris Tomlin “Whom Shall I Fear”
Not sure if it’s based on Psalm 118 or not, but I read that tonight and verse 6 says, “The Lord is for me, so I will have no fear” Yup!!
Whom Shall I Fear

2. Kim Walker-Smith “All I Need Is You” it’s a remake of a Hillsong song (of course lol) but a really good one.
“You hold the universe…”
All I Need Is You

And here’s just a sweet event from tonight reminding me that my problems are way, way smaller than my blessings. Here is my husband answering Brit’s “phone” when her grandparents are calling, Eric actually pretended to talk to all 4 of them as she was telling him who it was lol ❀

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17 thoughts on “The Fear

  1. GOD already has tomorrows outcome for u in his hands which is good for u he has been there for u all the time I will pray for his will to b done for u GOD BLESS

  2. You are enduring so much with such unbelievable grace, we are in awe of you. May The Lord sustain you Tuesday and beyond, know that you are deeply loved and admired………….and get Brit texting privileges on her phone will ya πŸ˜‰

  3. Kim,
    I have following you and reading your your writings of open and honest fears but I am amazed how strong and such an incredible inspiring words as you share your faith!!! My heart hurts for you and I’m praying for a miracle for you! Hugs to you fellow melanoma warrior!!!!!
    Donna

  4. Thank you again, Kim, for revealing your mind as you face such great challenges. I continue to be inspired by your prayer, “Thy will, my Lord, not mine.” I am also encountering the situation of not knowing what test results will show, wondering if remission will come. It’s a good reminder that as humans we really never know what the Lord has in His plan for us. He will protect us, so we need not fear.

  5. Good morning, Kim, your blog always contains an uplifting message which I believe is very instrumental in helping others. God’s blessings be upon you and your family. In our prayers and thoughts. May you have a peaceful and quiet day! Godspeed.

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