I Don’t Wanna!! :(

Today is a chemo day, and as I lay here in bed and contemplate getting up and getting ready to go to Philly, all I keep thinking is, “I don’t wanna!!” Like full-on two year old temper tantrum style, complete with tears and stomping. I hate chemo!! Ugh, with every infusion I get more and more pain in my joints so I’m not exactly jumping for joy to get this one. My back and shoulder are already killing me, and I haven’t even gotten up yet. This will be my 4th infusion of the “mk-3475” and I’ll soon be getting another PET scan. Great. Those don’t usually give me great news.

I don’t feel like it. I don’t want to. You can’t make me!! I don’t want to go to Philly. I don’t want to see my oncologist. He’s a super nice guy, but a reminder that I have cancer and I don’t want to see him. I don’t want to slap on a smile and be nice to people. Not today. I don’t want to get this junk pumped into me and I don’t want them to take 23 vials of blood out of me! I don’t even want to get out of bed, let alone shower. And then to drive an hour and a half for all this business? Do I have to??

Usually, I can take this all in stride or at least talk myself down pretty easily, but today I just don’t wanna. Most of the time, I can have a good attitude, but I know exactly what this day holds and I. Don’t. Want. To.

So I will suck it up and pack my bag, making sure I include my Bible. If nothing else, I could definitely hit someone with it! Haha Jk! I think I need it today though for real. I need it every day, but I’m praying God will give me some perspective today. There are people who have it a lot worse, so I need to stop complaining!

I know I have a great life, even with cancer. I know I am blessed and I know that God is in control and taking care of me. I just don’t want to get out of my pajamas, let’s be honest.

Here’s a few pics that I hope make you smile like they did me!







Much better.

I’m not saying all of this to make people feel bad for me, I just need to be honest about the experience, and this is me being honest.

Will pick up at our ridiculously amazing time with Hillsong worship next time! Still can’t believe it really happened. I gotta pick which shirt they gave me that I wanna wear today πŸ™‚ Or maybe I shouldn’t try to rep Jesus while I’m still a grumpasaurus rex lol.

Sorry for the rant, but I feel much better now! Here we go…


13 thoughts on “I Don’t Wanna!! :(

  1. (love the funny pics!) please don’t feel like you have to be strong today! being a christian is not about always doing it right! it is the opposite! it is realizing that we are always grumpy and sad and weak and messed up! don’t try to be positive and smiling and happy today if you are not. be real. but there is this guy, Jesus, and he will be perfect for you! just give it all to him! what does that mean? will it still hurt today? yes. jesus was absolutely perfect and he suffered more than anyone that has ever walked the face of the earth. IT MEANS HE UNDERSTANDS! AND HE LOVES YOU! You are so strong (because of him!) You’ve got this! have you heard chris tomlin’s “give me jesus” ??? love that song! forget the rest of this whole messed up world, i don’t want it. just give me jesus! praying for you today!!!

  2. Thanks for the pics, they brightened my day! Praying your day goes well and the chemo kills what is intended to kill and leaves the rest of your body alone! Take care and God bless, Linda

  3. ha…Kim. what an honest blog..that’s how my day was yesterday. I can totally relate to the joint pain. I have fypromyalgia and arthritis and there are days when Lord do I really need to face anyone or anything today can I just stay home and read my bible(ya know since I’m such a good Christian girl πŸ™‚ ) I want to whollop anyone who is “healthy”. But Praise God we have someone who has suffered ALL for us and will walk with us thru this pain. Like P. Ken said Sunday morning…I still have inner joy, I teach VBS and last night in the middle of grumping in my head I realized, boy do I feel energized doing God’s work thanks God for putting up with my pouting around. One Last thing to remember Kim….WE WIN!!!! all the battle scars are just our badges of honor we wear for HIM. praying always for you

  4. Praying for you today! May the infusion, times in the office, & times on the road, give you beautiful moments with Christ!

  5. I don’t know you but I have been following your journey through mutual friends. I admire your strength & courage. You are a Blessing & I am certain your life & words are a testimony and a light to lots of people! I prayed for you today. I pray you would feel Gods strength & peace today. I HATE cancer too!! I lost my sister because of it.

  6. I know the feeling. You want to buck everything. Your life and the state it’s in. You hate that everyday you know you will encounter the things that only remind you where you are and what is wrong. These are the times I have to ask God to calm me down and trust in him. He’s got your back. Praying for you.

  7. Kim, I am so glad you are being honest! It’s ok to not feel like smiling at anyone or being pleasant because you hurt! God completely understands and He wants you to be honest! And I think it would be ok to wear your pajamas to chemo, but then again you can ask Amber how crazy I can act!! πŸ™‚ Love you and praying for you!

  8. You rock! You are truly an inspiration to mankind. I love your sense of ownership with God’s plan for you, and how your spirit and faith allows you to continue to LIVE! I wish for the type of strength you have everyday! I pray your day was filled an exciting twist …one filled with laughter, hope, love, and all things you deserve to be happy! God bless you Kim Andrew!

  9. I know I’m a day late, but so excited it’s now my turn for some cheer (seriously, latest weeks’ FB posts were so needed!) First thing – on your rides to chemo, I recommend an audio book. Obviously one that will distract you and make you laugh your ass off (highly recommend Tina Fey’s “Bossypants” as she narrates it herself or Mindy Kaling’s latest).

    As for cheer up, with fall fast approaching, I recommend a great rereading of: http://deadspin.com/5959212/the-haters-guide-to-the-williams-sonoma-catalog

    Or a little BuzzFeed take on the latest ice bucket trend:

    Or for a dose of cuteness:

  10. Hope your day wasn’t as bad as expected and God may have given you an unexpected surprise — even a tiny one — to smile maybe even to laugh about. You bring a lot of encouragement to others through your honesty. Just be yourself. Godspeed.

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