Today is a chemo day, and as I lay here in bed and contemplate getting up and getting ready to go to Philly, all I keep thinking is, “I don’t wanna!!” Like full-on two year old temper tantrum style, complete with tears and stomping. I hate chemo!! Ugh, with every infusion I get more and more pain in my joints so I’m not exactly jumping for joy to get this one. My back and shoulder are already killing me, and I haven’t even gotten up yet. This will be my 4th infusion of the “mk-3475” and I’ll soon be getting another PET scan. Great. Those don’t usually give me great news.
I don’t feel like it. I don’t want to. You can’t make me!! I don’t want to go to Philly. I don’t want to see my oncologist. He’s a super nice guy, but a reminder that I have cancer and I don’t want to see him. I don’t want to slap on a smile and be nice to people. Not today. I don’t want to get this junk pumped into me and I don’t want them to take 23 vials of blood out of me! I don’t even want to get out of bed, let alone shower. And then to drive an hour and a half for all this business? Do I have to??
Usually, I can take this all in stride or at least talk myself down pretty easily, but today I just don’t wanna. Most of the time, I can have a good attitude, but I know exactly what this day holds and I. Don’t. Want. To.
So I will suck it up and pack my bag, making sure I include my Bible. If nothing else, I could definitely hit someone with it! Haha Jk! I think I need it today though for real. I need it every day, but I’m praying God will give me some perspective today. There are people who have it a lot worse, so I need to stop complaining!
I know I have a great life, even with cancer. I know I am blessed and I know that God is in control and taking care of me. I just don’t want to get out of my pajamas, let’s be honest.
Here’s a few pics that I hope make you smile like they did me!
I’m not saying all of this to make people feel bad for me, I just need to be honest about the experience, and this is me being honest.
Will pick up at our ridiculously amazing time with Hillsong worship next time! Still can’t believe it really happened. I gotta pick which shirt they gave me that I wanna wear today 🙂 Or maybe I shouldn’t try to rep Jesus while I’m still a grumpasaurus rex lol.
Sorry for the rant, but I feel much better now! Here we go…