So…What Do I Do Now?

The truth is, I’ve been putting off this post for almost a week now. And while I typically like to be upbeat and try to be somewhat humorous, I’m not thinking this post will go there. So if you’re looking for a laugh or some inspiration, this probably won’t be the post where you will find that. I’m sure this won’t be my most liked, shared, commented on post, but I couldn’t care less. I am trying to figure out how I feel about things, specifically being on the receiving end of a miracle so I’m hoping through a kind of “stream-of-consciousness” writing that I can stumble upon some answers.

If you’re new to my blog, I’ll just say we got some news on Tuesday about the course of my cancer that we just didn’t see coming. As in, at this point, there isn’t any sign of active cancer in my body. At stage 4 melanoma with mets in my brain, bone, and lungs, this was a complete shock, we were bracing for the worst. In keeping with being totally and brutally honest, I was just trying to get through this Christmas. So now I have this glorious extension, this amazing second chance. And I should be jumping up and down, shouting, and celebrating, right? You’d think. Unfortunately, I just haven’t felt like that. To be honest, I spent all of Tuesday night crying. All night, no exaggeration. Every time I thought I was done, I would start to feel guilty that I wasn’t “happy”, and the tears would start flowing all over again. All logic and common sense would say, “Be happy”, but I just wasn’t feeling it. Trust me, if you think I’m crazy, I agree haha.

Was it the pd-1 drug I’m getting? Was it a miracle? I like to think both. I know God’s hand is in this, because I’ve asked for it to be. I’ve asked Him to lead this in whatever way He chooses, even if that means a shorter life than what I feel like I might “deserve”. But my father-in-law gave me some great perspective when he said, “say you live 30 years? 50 years? 90 years? What is any of that in light of eternity?” So true. And I needed to hear that. So, in case you were wondering, here is a non-comprehensive list of why I feel like I can’t just let go and “celebrate” this:

1. I don’t want to misrepresent God or how He works. It’s not God’s job to make sure I’m happy, it’s God’s job to help me become holy. God is not a genie up in heaven waiting to grant our wishes. My fear was that people would hear about this, and knowing how bad my cancer was, get a wrong idea about who God is. If I’m granted an extension here, there is a purpose in it. And I think that’s what’s bugging me more than anything, because I don’t know what that purpose is yet exactly.

2. I don’t want to misrepresent our purpose. God never promised any of us a long, healthy life full of wealth, prosperity, and comfort. In fact, most of the New Testament seems to be trying to keep us from such destructive thinking. Since Jesus came and offered Himself as a sacrifice for our sin, we should look at things differently. Our lives should look different as believers. Show me where Jesus said otherwise and I’ll change my mind, but until then I’ll try to keep a perspective that I believe would please God. Jesus told us to be heaven-minded and to be willing to give up everything we have to follow Him. Jesus reminded us that persecution was something to be expected. Paul reminds us constantly that physical suffering is just a part of the plan! Jesus did not come so that when we are feeling blue we’ll get a pat on the back and a dose of “hang in there” inspiration, He died that souls may be saved and once we make the commitment to follow Him, that is our purpose. There is no amount of watered-down, sugar-coated, Osteen-style false preaching that can change that. Being a Christian is simple, just say yes. Accept it. But it is certainly not easy, and that’s by design.

3. I don’t want to misrepresent my cancer. I am still stage 4 and still considered terminal. What this drug can give me is time. Melanoma is a very serious cancer in its later stages and I don’t want anyone to be mislead into thinking I’m cured. The only one who can do that is God.

And, while we are on track with being brutally honest, I’ve never asked Him for complete healing. How could I? All I want is for His will to be done in my life, the only purpose or satisfaction I’ve found in this life has come from knowing Him and serving Him so why would I ask Him for something that may not be a part of the plan? Everything that I want to stay here for, the only reasons I have for wanting to stay here on this earth are the people who I don’t want to leave. But I have asked/demanded/begged that no matter what happens to me, that these people (mainly my kids) would come to Him and accept His amazing gift of salvation, and so on that end I trust that that will happen. He will do what it takes to get through to them. And so I can rest easy on that end.

4. It’s forcing me to reevaluate my purpose/cause. Please excuse me if this sounds odd, but I had, what I thought, was a pretty clear timeline for how things would flow from here on out. I didn’t see a lot of wiggle room. I’m a procrastinator at heart, so let’s just say I work better on a timeline. Now things are open-ended, and I just need a little time to adjust to that. From going to just trying to focus on getting through this Christmas to the thought that I may even be around for the next one? That’s pretty mind-blowing. I mean, this is real life, my life, it’s not a movie or a book. I can’t just react how I think I should, that would be pretending, and that’s something I’m not ready to do.

5. I’m scared. I’m scared for when/if this cancer comes raging back. Once that happens, we now have nothing in our arsenal to fight it. I am to get this chemo, without stopping, every three weeks for the rest of my life. No matter what. So once it doesn’t “work” anymore, I’m left with nothing. Nothing to try medically that could be of any help. And well, that’s pretty scary.

6. I don’t want to lose this intimacy I’ve gained with God. I worry that if God were ever to completely heal me that I would lose this insane and amazing intimacy that I’ve grown into within the last few months (almost a year now! October 24th will be my one year cancer-versary lol). I fear that I would go back to my self-serving life that I had before, and although my salvation was secured 7 years ago, I wouldn’t trade this journey, and the resulting closeness with God, for the world, truly. My husband and kids know that I love them with my whole heart and though I have some issues with leaving them, God is quick to calm me down there. He gives me such a peace. He is so good.

7. What if I mess this up? Ok, I know I said that I don’t think this reprieve is conditional, but I feel like I need to use this, just like I try to use everything else. I don’t care if it only lasts 6 months, it’s another chance. An extension. A reminder that God is so good and loves us so completely. There’s a chance I could screw this up, and I really, really don’t want to.

8. I feel guilty. There was a beautiful and phenomenal local girl that just passed away from cancer at the age of 17. Why do I “deserve” this, but she didn’t? Ya know? I know that’s not how it works, but I feel guilty proclaiming this miracle while her family is just trying to grieve an unimaginable loss and learn how to adjust to a life without her physical presence. She shined a light so bright for Jesus, and my hope is to somehow do the same.

We all have our coping mechanisms, right? Mine, I’ve come to find, is overthinking and oversharing in the hopes that someone else out there might be helped by my situation. But the great thing is, Eric and I have an amazing support group that is able to celebrate this miracle and shout it from the rooftops, as God does deserve glory for this. But on the same token, my fear is that people will think God is somehow bad or unfair when/if my cancer rears it’s head again. My oncologist said usually it’s months before that would happen, and that’s super exciting! But I’ve never asked God or demanded healing. If it’s His will, it will happen, I have no doubt of that. But if it’s not, He is just as good if I die from this as He was if He would have chosen to heal me. I trust that He knows what’s best for the situation. He knows that the cry of my heart is for those closest to me to come to Christ, and I have faith that He will make that happen, whether I’m here to see it or not.

So I feel the need to apologize to those who have reached out to me in that last week or so. In trying to figure this out, I didn’t want to be fake and pretend to be more excited than I really was, so I kinda sorta avoided people. I am excited, truthfully, but with a lot of things holding me back from really accepting this amazing gift graciously. Writing this helped me clear up my mind and I’m sorry if you read all the way through haha, you’re probably bored to tears! This is what I needed though and now I feel that I could actually maybe celebrate this news. Ok, so where’s the cake??? 😉

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My view while writing this 🙂

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44 thoughts on “So…What Do I Do Now?

  1. Very thoughfully presented, through this post you’ve revealed your humaness and your Christlikeness . I pray daily that you will discern God’s will in this and your ministry in whatever shape it takes will bring glory to Him and joy to you. You are loved and admired…………..jk coming……does this mean another female driver back on the road ?

  2. Kim…I can tell you that I personally knew that 17 year old that just passed away and, yes, it was extremely difficult to lay her to rest but, just as God has given you this reprieve, he gave her some years of remission. It was in those years that she decided who she was going to be and how she wanted to live her life. I’m sure you know that she just wanted to bring as many people to Christ as she could and I have NO doubts that she did that. Her purpose wasn’t necessarily clear to her in the beginning either but, as I’ve been following your story you have taught me more about the Grace of God then I think anyone EVER has. So, maybe that’s YOUR purpose. Your writing is so eloquent & honest and I appreciate that. I GET what you say. So, as hard as it may be for you to figure out the “why”…just keep on the path that you’ve been on. Keep proclaiming your love & trust in God because, there is NO doubt in my mind that you have led many people to Him. Your purpose will become clear to you. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow but you WILL figure it out. And whatever that purpose is for this miracle…..it is God’s will. You didn’t ask to be cured. You didn’t ask for the cancer to be gone. You have given your praise & glory to God throughout & Kim, I commend you for that because there are many, many people out there who would not be handling your illness as gracefully as you are. I’m not saying they would be “wrong” but you have given many others with difficulties in their lives HOPE. You have given them COURAGE. And, whether you realize it or not, you have given them SUPPORT by your words of wisdom. You are an AMAZING person & you have taught ME a lot about faith!!! So CELEBRATE but make sure you keep posting because I KNOW you will continue to lead people to God! And for now, until you figure out what your purpose is….I think that’s a pretty amazing thing to be doing!!

  3. You have been shining the light and love of Jesus, just like Amber. You will continue to shine and God will guide you in His plan. I am so happy for your children, they get to be with their mom for a little or a lot longer! You have been given an amazing gift. Hook up with Beth Coblentz! She received a miracle too. She would be a good person for you to talk to. I prayed for God to heal my brother and perform a miracle but that wasn’t in God’s plan and my brother was ok with that. I know someday I will know the reason my brother was called home leaving his 7 year old son and 11 year old daughter at the time. It was part of God’s plan and His plan is perfect. May God continue to bless, heal and comfort you in times of doubt or fear. Our God is an awsome God! Celebrate and go eat your cake!!:)

  4. Kim,

    I have been following your progress regularly. I haven’t read all of your blogs word-for-word, and I haven’t replied before now, but… two of your points in this post stood out to me: #5 and #8. “I’m scared” and “I feel guilty.”

    Ever since I learned about your “little c,” I’ve felt guilty. In my mind, you’ve done everything right. You got married and had children and your family has a firm relationship with God.

    I, on the other hand, am a smoker, a drinker, gay, and I can’t remember the last time I went to church. In my mind, if anyone “deserves” this struggle, it’s me… not you.

    1. Fortunately for all of us Christ in His sovereignty has given all of us a way of salvation. No one deserves heaven; not one person but Christ is full of grace and has given all of us the same opportunity. Jesus did not come to earth for the righteous; but for the sinners and we are all sinners.

    2. *grabs megaphone* what’s your deal? Oh Chris, how I miss you! None of us deserves this I sure wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy, but I’ve found that no one deserve God’s goodness either. We’re all sinners, our sins just look different, it’s just a matter of if we want forgiveness for them or not.

      Not trying to get preachy, your comments just surprised me a little.

      Any who, fond memory alert, remember when you and me and Greg were at the “Office party” or whatever in “Big” and we would just try to make each other laugh while keeping a straight face? Lesbians and lasers and black nissans… 🙂

    3. morelikecantcer on September 12, 2014 at 7:52 pm
      *grabs megaphone* what’s your deal? Oh Chris, how I miss you! None of us deserves this I sure wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy, but I’ve found that no one deserve God’s goodness either. We’re all sinners, our sins just look different, it’s just a matter of if we want forgiveness for them or not.

      Not trying to get preachy, your comments just surprised me a little.

      Any who, fond memory alert, remember when you and me and Greg were at the “Office party” or whatever in “Big” and we would just try to make each other laugh while keeping a straight face? Lesbians and lasers and black nissans… 🙂

  5. 1. God is sovereign and will heal as He sees fit for His glory.
    2. The enemy would like to do nothing more than to steal your joy and testimony. Be on your guard and wise to his sneaky ways.
    3. Thank you for not keeping silent but sharing your heart in all this. God is amazing. ☺️❤️

  6. Kim, I know you don’t know me…but I have also been following your blog. (I know Michelle and Adam) God bless you for being so honest and open! God has given you a beautiful gift of writing…and maybe someday He would like you to publish your story with help from your blog to encourage others on their journey! The thoughts you are struggling with right now seem very normal 🙂 Once, during a very low time, I felt God so much that I could “hear” him talking to me and “see” him…at that moment, He gave me peace that passed understanding. It was something I wanted to feel forever…it was a taste of heaven and I remember crying the next day just longing to be in heaven yet feeling bad that I felt that way because of my wonderful husband and children. Praise the Lord, our God is AMAZING, and He will always lead if we allow Him to do so! Continue to follow God with everything you’ve got and I know He will make His calling clear in your life! Hugs! -Stacy

  7. Morning by Morning New Mercies We See!! We rejoice with you THIS day, thankful for how ever many mornings the Lord gives you to love, cherish and influence your dear family, friends, church and the rest of your world! Jesus has been so sweet to you in the valley…He will walk step by step with you on the mountaintop too!! Thank you for sharing and allowing us to travel with you!

  8. May God bless you honesty! It sounds as if you were packed and ready for a trip and it was cancelled and now you have nowhere to go. Redirecting isn’t fun and you have to deal with the disappointment of the cancelled trip. I can understand your quandary. Apparently God still has work for you to do. I pray you will continue to remain close to God as you seek his redirection. Love and prayers, Florence from Ephrata church of the Nazarene.

    Florence Gordon Send from my IPad.

    >

  9. Kim, no one really has the answers to everything. You have a lot to deal with with it medically, mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually, and the list goes on. Don’t be so hard on yourself. I think it takes a great deal of strength to be honest and open about yourself as you have been and to share those thoughts with others. God’s blessings upon you and yours. The young lady you mentioned may have had a short life in the number of years on earth but she certainly reached quite a few individuals with her faith. All we can do us ask God to give her family peace and comfort in her passing. May her memories bring them smiles and lessen the grief. Enjoy your day to the best quality of life you can.

  10. Kim your life on earth isn’t finish yet. The Lord is going to use you to minister to people on this earth to his fullest. Just Praise the Lord for his goodness.

  11. Take a very deep breath and pause……..clarity will come. You have had a shock and you need to process.

    Oh and, PRAISE OUR AMAZING GOD who just happened to say “Your are not done yet, good and faithful servant”. I have to tell you, having your story to use as part of my witness has been amazing and powerful to many people.

  12. I hope you enjoyed the cake 🙂

    For me your photo reflects so much…
    From the perspective of sitting back and looking at the world ground upwards – the little formations of clouds are the constant hurdles and battles we face along the way.
    But you now have ground perspective – live how you want to live, do the things you want to do. Don’t feel guilty or apologise for what you do or feel because that is the life that you’ve been given to lead. Xx

  13. Gorgeous post. I have such a sense of peace as I read this. To me, there is such a profound difference between being “cured” and being “healed.” One point is the losses we suffer are real. The things that happen to us will not vanish as if they never happened. That is what the word “cure” often implies and that is the illusion that people often try to chase when they think of recovery from any life-dominating disease.

    “Somehow, if I pray long and hard enough… Somehow, if I make it really clear to God that I really agree with Him and I really want to change, then maybe one day God will zap me and I will never struggle with this again and I will be immune and it will be as if it never happened.” This is often the non-articulated thought from a belief system deep down in the heart that people really do hold on to. This is an illusion, a false belief that only sets us up for disillusionment.

    But I love your sense of clarity.

  14. I’m sorry I’m a little behind on your blog, work got in the way! I’m so amazed by how transparent you are! Enjoy this miracle! Remember if you were the only person on this earth God still would have sent his son Jesus to die on the cross for you! He loves us that much! You have been very faithful through all this! I’m sure by now you have started to enjoy the miracle! Enjoy every moment of every day from sunrise to sunset!! (ok, maybe not sunrise, it comes very early 😉

  15. Hi, I came here through a comment and link you posted in reply to a commenter on another blog.

    I pray that you will take the time to read my response and if there’s anything you disagree with, I’d love to discuss scripturally.

    First, let me say ALL Scripture is “God-breathed” and God doesn’t waste His breath. If He says it, IT IS SO. IT CAN BE NO OTHER WAY, otherwise the very foundations of this world would crumble and all existence with it, because it’s the power of His WORD that holds the very foundation of this world together.

    1. Psalm 119:89 Forever, O Lord, Your word is settled in heaven [stands firm as the heavens].
    So, if God says it, it must come to pass, as His Word shall not return unto Him void, but it must accomplish the thing for which it was sent.

    2. Words are seed. The words you declare over yourself and others are seeds that will germinate and bear fruit- whether good or bad.
    Best of all, the Word of God is seed. Begin to plant the words that God says about you, i.e. speak them out loud over your self as many times daily as you can, even if you have difficulty believing and accepting them; eventually these words will begin to germinate, put down root and begin to grow into a powerful tree and produce much fruit.

    3. Healing is your legal right. If you have salvation, you have healing.
    Psalm 107:20 He sent his word, and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions.
    Isaiah 53:5 But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.
    1Peter 2:24 Who his own self bare our sins in his own body on the tree, that we, being dead to sins, should live unto righteousness: by whose stripes ye were healed.

    4. Healing is ALWAYS the will of God. Jesus came to do the will of God. Jesus healed ALL (not some) who came to Him. If healing was not God’s will then Jesus would have been acting outside God’s will.

    5. Our purpose here on this earth is to be ambassadors for Christ 2Cor 5:20. You are not a part of this world, you are from the kingdom of heaven and as such you do what Jesus does and you say what He says.
    Jesus tells us, WE are to: Heal the sick, cleanse the lepers, raise the dead, cast out devils: freely you have received, freely give. (Mt. 10:8)

    So now you have found your purpose here in this earth realm. You see a person on the street or even the hospital when you visit, you go over to them and say something to the effect, I pray for people and God heals them.
    You do not pray ‘Father heal this condition’… no, You pray “I command this condition to go in Jesus’ name”… “Be healed in Jesus’ name” etc.

    Example: In my prayer for you, I would pray like this. “Cancer, I curse you and command you to die from your roots and leave Kim’s body right now. All cancerous cells I command you to commit suicide right now, dissipate and disappear. I speak life, I speak health, I speak healing, I speak rejuvenation to every cell, every muscle, every tissue, every organ in Kim’s body, in Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.

    There is so much more I would like to say but will address at a later point.
    Here are some resources, I pray you listen to them over and over and your purpose be reaffirmed to you.
    You are already healed. I know it because the word says so, it can be no other way. Get in harmony with the word. Thank God for what He’s done.
    The devil will tremble because you will be going on to destroy the works of the devil in the lives of those around you.

    resources:
    Look for these on u-tube and watch

    1. Curry Blake: The Legal Basis of Healing (Won’t get better resource than this. Matter of fact you can call 1-888-293-6591 and they’ll be delighted to pray for you and anyone else you mention. Look for more of Curry’s teaching and you’ll be on your way to doing the Word. A believer is a doer of the Word.
    2. Barry Bennett – (Barry is a teacher at CBC, all his teachings are great)
    3. Andrew Wommack –
    4. Pete Cabrera Jr. – see Pete’s videos on u-tube and you’ll see how easy it is to administer healing. Pete learnt from Todd White.

    Lastly, I just want to say get rid of your guilt, the devil is using that to steal your joy and healing.
    You are the righteousness of God in Christ. All that Jesus died to restore to you has already been done, you need to believe it and act on it. I know this is not a one day process, this is a life time process of renewing our minds to the word of God. You aren’t what the medical report says, you are what and who God says you are. You should not suffer because Jesus already suffered for you. He bore your sickness and diseases so you wouldn’t have to.

    I’ll stop here for now, but I will attach below a post by Barry Bennett. Your above post mentioned many things that you say God did not promise us and that is just not true.

    We have all things through Christ. Right now in this very moment we have eternal life. Eternal life is not just for when a person dies and go to heaven. Eternal life is knowing God and having an intimate knowledge of and relationship with Him. We can only do this through His Word – His spoken word, His written Word, and His living Word- who is Christ Jesus.

    John 17:3 And this is life eternal, that they might know thee the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom thou hast sent.

  16. You said: I don’t want to misrepresent God or how He works. It’s not God’s job to make sure I’m happy, it’s God’s job to help me become holy. God is not a genie up in heaven waiting to grant our wishes.

    1. If you have been born-again [which you are], you are already righteous and holy. It’s your spirit that becomes born again, not your body, not your mind. Your mind becomes renewed to the Word of God and that will be reflected in your actions. However, your spirit is as righteous, perfect and holy, as Jesus is. That’s why you declare, I am the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus, because it’s due to what Jesus has done on our behalf that we can declare these truths and approach the father with boldness. See Romans Chapter 1-7.

    See: E W Kenyon – New Creation Realities (audio book, can be listened to on u-tube) This book is a must have for any believer.
    See: Andrew Wommack – Reigning in Life (Pt 1-5) on u-tube, teaching done in Chicago.

    2. Jesus Himself says the following: If ye abide in me, and my words abide in you, ye shall ask what ye will, and it shall be done unto you. 8 Herein is my Father glorified, that ye bear much fruit; so shall ye be my disciples.

    From Barry Bennett: True Prosperity

    Beloved, I wish above all things that you may prosper and be in health, even as your soul prospers. (3 John 2)

    To the western mind, prosperity usually means material wealth. Some in the church have been offended by teachings on prosperity and have overreacted by stopping their giving and encouraging others to be ‘free’ from giving. But is that the right approach?

    Money is just one extension of the heart. To separate money from the rest of topic of prosperity is wrong. Prosperity first and foremost is spiritual. A re-created spirit is spiritual prosperity! We have been translated from death to life! Prosperity is mental. A mind renewed to the Word of God and in touch with the wisdom of God is a prosperous mind. Prosperity is emotional. The fruit of the Spirit flowing through us is ultimate emotional prosperity. Prosperity is also physical. Health and healing in our bodies is physical prosperity. Finally, prosperity is material. God desires that we have an abundance for every good work. Material prosperity will be different for everyone based upon the call of God on their lives and the level of prosperity they are experiencing spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically.

    Material prosperity is an extension of prosperity in every other area life. If I am walking in prosperity in my spirit, my mind and my emotions, and I am walking in God’s purpose for my life, my giving will be an extension and a demonstration of the prosperity I already enjoy in my relationship with God. Money will be an expression of faith and thanksgiving. If I reduce God’s promise of prosperity to a mathematical formula while not being prosperous in my spirit, mind, emotions, etc., then I have perverted the power of the gospel. It’s not about money! It is about the transformed heart responding in love to the One who transformed it!

    Jesus gave us the keys of the Kingdom. It would be foolish to throw away the keys of giving and receiving, and sowing and reaping simply because we have been offended by some who have abused the principle. Giving is not a work. It is the response of a heart that has been transformed by the love of God, and the grace of God will cause that giver to have more than enough in order to accomplish their purpose in Him.

    [Also from B. Bennett] God is Happy!

    The Lord your God in your midst, The Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.” (Zeph. 3:17)

    I doubt many of us have a mental picture of God rejoicing with gladness and singing over us! But that is exactly what He is doing. Like a new parent who is fascinated with their baby, God is fascinated with you! And like a parent who speaks soothing words of love to bring peace to the newborn, God is speaking His words of love to you.

    While His rejoicing over you never ceases, we also need to understand that we aren’t perpetual babies. His rejoicing encompasses your growth and maturity as well. “…grow up in all things into Him who is the head–Christ–.” (Eph. 4:15)

    God is a proud Father. The more we grow up in Him, the more we reflect His image and desire for our lives. The apostle John had the heart of God when he said: I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth. (3 Jn. 1:4)

    May God say the same thing of us!

    Blessings friend, and please don’t think I’m picking on you. Not at all. As the body of Christ, we all need, love and support each other.

    Blessings!

    1. Hey thanks for responding! I appreciate it and plan to look into all of it further soon! It’s a lot to take in at once with two crazy little ones running around. I will say that I don’t typically read outside sources besides the Bible, although I appreciate the references, who knows, maybe I’ll branch out. But in my spiritual simplicity I’ve found I prefer to let God speak to me through His word than read someone else’s interpretation without knowing for sure if their theology is sound or what their intentions are.

      I think we are both saying the same thing in different ways though. I believe that my “prosperity” is in my walk with the Lord, it is the only thing I have to give. We are happy to tithe and offer of time, money, and service, as they are all things God gave us to steward in a way pleasing to Him.

      My greatest blessing in this has been to see Jesus’s life as a whole and see His example as an extension of His word. He lived without material comforts and died at an early age, as it was God’s will. If God has allowed this cancer and I am to die before I turn 31, I accept that and pray that God uses my death to reach people. I, like Paul, feel torn in wanting to stay on the earth and in also yearning for heaven. Money, comfort, great health, long life, all of these can be blessings when stewarded properly but I’ve found, at least in my own experience, they can be spiritually deadening. Paul even asked God on three separate occasions to take away a specific physical ailment and God said “No.” Not because he didn’t want to heal Paul, but He knew that even above receiving healing Paul wanted to live in God’s will, and God knows what is best for us. Physical struggles are not always bad, cancer and other illnesses can help shape us into a vessel usable for God. 1 Peter 4 describes better than I can the benefit of physical suffering. I don’t know, maybe I’m way off in understanding what you are trying to say, but does this make sense?

      1. Hi Kim, I do understand and appreciate how busy you are and add in two children who needs supervision and care as well, I am very grateful that you have taken the time to read and respond to my comment.

        While I understand your sentiment regarding the Bible as your only source I would point out that the preaching one hears at Church in some ways could be regarded as another source if what is preached do not line up with the word of God.
        So I’d say you have nothing to fear in listening to or reading the sources I’ve provided since you will know if what they’re saying is Biblical or not.

        I wanted to address the ‘Paul’s thorn in the flesh’ earlier but time didn’t permit. I’ll go ahead and do that now, since you’ve mentioned it again. Let me just state that this is taken from Andrew Wommack (He’s done a great job and there’s nothing for me to add. I hope you will read it and ask the Holy Spirit for guidance and wisdom since she is the Spirit of Wisdom. Remember, scripture should always interpret scripture. Also since this is long and I know I am dropping a lot of “new” things on you I’ll address the rest of your post at a later time.

        “And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure. For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me. And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.” (2 Cor. 12:7-10)

        This thorn in the flesh that Paul mentioned has been used and misused by Christians to justify submitting to nearly any problem that comes along. Satan has twisted this passage of Scripture to deceive many, many people into believing that God would not heal Paul, so how can they expect to be healed? Let us examine this closely and find out exactly what Paul’s thorn in the flesh was.

        First of all, this “thorn” came because of the abundance of revelations Paul had received. Until a person has an abundance of revelations, similar to what Paul had, he is not going to have a “thorn.” That would disqualify just about all of those who have been hiding behind Paul’s thorn.

        Then, verse 7 says it came lest Paul should be exalted above measure. Traditionally, that has been interpreted to say the thorn was to keep Paul humble. Therefore, God had to be the author of it, because only God would want Paul to be humble. But there is a godly way of being exalted. First Peter 5:6 says, “Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time.” Those who submit (humble) themselves to God will be exalted by God. Paul was not speaking of exalting himself above measure through pride, but rather, the thorn came from Satan to keep Paul from being exalted by God in the eyes of the people. Many more people would have received what Paul preached if everything was always “rosy” for him. But there was this messenger of Satan who always buffeted Paul and scared away the faint-hearted from committing themselves to Jesus, whom Paul preached.

        God magnified, or exalted, Joshua in the sight of his people (Josh. 3:7). He continued to do that with the people He used on into the new covenant (Acts 5:13). So, we see that the exalting spoken of is not a negative kind but a godly kind. That just further strengthens the fact that the thorn was not God’s doing.

        In verse 7, right after the thorn in the flesh is mentioned, there is a phrase set off by commas which says, “The messenger of Satan to buffet me.” This is an explanation of what the thorn was. It was not a thing but rather a demonic messenger. The word used as “messenger” here is always translated as angel or messenger and refers to a created being. So, Paul’s thorn was literally a demon sent from Satan to buffet him. The word “buffet” means to strike repeatedly as waves would buffet the shore.

        How did this demonic force continually strike Paul? Traditionally it has been taught that it was with sickness, and the thing that made many accept that is the use of the words “weakness” and “infirmity” in verses 9 and 10. Infirmity definitely does mean sickness and is used that way in 1 Timothy 5:23, but that is not the only meaning of the word. The number two definition is any lack or inadequacy. For instance, Romans 8:26 says, “the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities.” In this case, the context makes it clear that it is not speaking of sicknesses but rather not knowing what to pray for. Our finite minds are an infirmity, or an inadequacy.

        If we look at the context of Paul’s thorn in the flesh, we find that infirmity does not mean sickness in 2 Corinthians 12:9 and 10. In 2 Corinthians 11:30, Paul uses the exact terminology of “glorying in infirmities” that is used just a few verses later in speaking about this thorn. In the eleventh chapter he had just finished listing what those infirmities were. In verses 23-29, he lists such things as imprisonment, stripes, shipwrecks, and stonings; none of these speak of sickness. Verse 27 mentions weakness and painfulness, which some have tried to make mean sickness, but it is just as possible he could have been weary and suffered painfulness from such things as being stoned and left for dead (Acts 14:19). All these things listed in 2 Corinthians 11 refer to persecutions as infirmities. So, in context, Paul’s thorn was a demonic angel or messenger sent by Satan which continually stirred up persecution against him. This is also verified by three Old Testament references (Num. 33:55; Josh. 23:13 and Judg. 2:3), where people are spoken of as being “thorns in your sides” and “thorns in your eyes.”

        Paul asked the Lord to remove persecution from him, not sickness, and the Lord told him His grace was sufficient. We are not redeemed from persecution, and Paul later stated that when he said in 2 Timothy 3:12, “All that will live godly in Christ Jesus shall suffer persecution.” Most gladly, therefore, he gloried in persecutions, reproaches, necessities, and distresses that the power of Christ might rest upon him (2 Cor. 12:9). The word “glory” is an old English word which means to have dominion over or command. It is used in Exodus 8:9 where Moses told Pharaoh to glory over him, or command him, when to destroy the frogs. So when Paul spoke of glorying in these infirmities or persecutions, he was speaking of victory even in the midst of continual harassment.

        In Acts 14:19, Paul was stoned and left for dead, but God raised him up, and the next day he walked at least twenty miles into the next town and started preaching again. The Lord did not stop the persecution, but God’s strength was certainly made perfect in Paul’s weakness (verse 9). Can you imagine what those that stoned him must have thought? They could see Paul’s humanity in the cuts and bruises, but they could also see the supernatural strength of God flowing through him. “For when I am weak, then am I strong” (verse 10).

        There are two other passages of Scripture that those who believe Paul’s thorn in the flesh was sickness have tried to use to verify that. One is Galatians 4:13-15. Here Paul says that he preached the Gospel to these Galatians through an infirmity of the flesh, and in verse 15, he makes reference to these people being willing to poke out their own eyes and give them to him. From this, I have heard ministers preach that Paul’s thorn was a rare, ancient disease which was characterized by runny, puffy eyes. But let us look at whom Paul was speaking to when he said this. He was writing to the people who lived in the region known as Galatia, which had as its major cities, Derbe, Lystra, and Iconium. The instance we mentioned earlier, where Paul was stoned and left for dead, happened in Lystra, a city of Galatia. The next day Paul walked to Derbe, another city of Galatia, and began preaching unto them. I’m sure he had runny, puffy eyes, along with multiple cuts and bruises, but they were not the result of some disease. They were the result of having just been stoned. He also says in verse 13 that his infirmity was “at the first,” which leaves the impression it was only a temporary thing that he recovered from.

        The next scripture used to say Paul’s thorn was bad eyes is also in Galatians, chapter 6, verse 11. It says, “Ye see how large a letter I have written unto you with mine own hand.” People have said Paul’s eyes were so bad that he had to write in large letters, and this is what he was making reference to. That is only a supposition and not a very good one at that. It is a lot more credible to believe that he was simply referring to the long letter he had written to the Galatians.

        The reason it is so important to realize that the thorn in the flesh was not something which Jesus died to redeem us from, such as sickness, is so that we won’t submit ourselves to these things. James 4:7 says, “Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.” We have to resist, or actively fight against, the devil and the things he brings, to see them flee. Satan has used traditional teaching about Paul’s thorn to bring many Christians to a place of submitting to him. But, praise God, you shall know the truth and the truth, shall set you free.

      2. I don’t think accepting my cancer as a reality means submitting to Satan or disease. God has and will continue to use this as a means to reach people, so why in the world would I pray for Him to take it if it can be used? I appreciate all of the resources, but, and I apologize for this, I’m still not convinced Paul’s thorn wasn’t physical, I don’t think that’s twisting theology for Satan’s benefit at all. I do understand what your saying about disease versus persecution, and people have prayed strongly for my healing, and maybe I am healed, there’s nothing at this point to say otherwise, but we can’t be healed forever, we will die. I trust God to keep me here as long as He needs me here and I know that Pastor’s explore other resources, but that’s not for me, thanks.

  17. I leave you with Acts 10:38 to meditate on:
    How God anointed Jesus of Nazareth with the Holy Ghost and with power: who went about doing good, and healing ALL that were oppressed of the devil; for God was with him.

    so :
    1. healing is a good thing
    2. healing is for ALL
    3. sickness is oppression of the devil.
    4. healing is ALWAYS God’s will.

    The Bible says faith comes by hearing and hearing by the Word of God, so you have to constantly listen to anointed teachings to have your mind renewed to what your legal rights are.

    From Barry Bennett: Healing is for all

    To suggest that it may not be God’s will to heal some would make Jesus’ suffering on the cross of no effect. The Word declares that ‘by His stripes we were healed.’ (1 Pet. 2:24) Jesus bore all sickness so that we would not have to bear it, just as He bore all sin that we not have to pay the penalty.

    God does not change. He is the Lord that heals us (Ex. 15:26), the Lord who sent His Word to heal us (Ps. 107:20), the Lord who forgives all our sins and heals all our diseases (Ps. 103:1-3), the Lord who bore our sicknesses on the cross (Isa. 53:4-5), the Lord who healed all who came to Him (Matt. 8:16), the Lord who went about doing good and healing all who were oppressed of the devil for God was with Him (Acts 10:38), the Lord who set the church against sickness and commanded us to go and to heal the sick (Matt. 10:8), the Lord who told us that greater works would we do (John 14:12), the Lord who gives us power to lay hands on the sick and they recover (Mark 16:18), the Lord who confirms His Word with signs following (Mark 16:20), the Lord who healed the sick in the early church through the ministries of Peter, Paul and other believers (Acts), the Lord who gives gifts of healings to the church for the church age (1 Cor. 12:9), and the Lord who asks through James if there are any sick among us (James 5:14).

    Healing is for all and is available to all through faith in God’s grace.

  18. John 14:9 Jesus said to him, “…He who has seen Me has seen the Father…

    Imagine the following scenario: A father tells his little girl, “Come here, girl. Mummy says that you have been playing by the roadside. Is that true?” “Yes, Daddy. I am sorry.” “Sorry? How many times have I told you not to play near the road? Come here! Lie down on the road and stretch out your legs!”

    Daddy drives his car over his little girl’s legs. You can hear the sound of bones being crushed and the poor girl screaming in pain!

    “Now, darling, you know that Daddy loves you. And Daddy did that to teach you a lesson, that playing by the roadside is dangerous.”

    You are probably shaking your head in horror by now, wondering which sick father would do that. Yet, there are many Christians who believe that our heavenly Father does the same thing. They say that He gives people sicknesses, accidents, earthquakes and death to teach them lessons.

    But Jesus said, “If you have seen Me, you have seen the Father.” Jesus is the nature of God in action. Throughout the Gospels, we see Jesus or God going about healing the sick. If God wants some people sick, then there should be at least one incident in the Gospels where you see Jesus saying, “Behold, your complexion is too lovely, receive leprosy,” or “Blindness is good for you. Remain blind.” But no, never once! In fact, Jesus “went about doing good and healing all who were oppressed by the devil”. (Acts 10:38) That’s the heart of God.

    As a father, if your child is sick and in pain, your heart just wants him well. How much more your heavenly Father! My friend, God does not give your child a sickness to teach both of you some lesson or to glorify Himself. To think so is to talk out of a warped mind bound by religion! And Christianity is not a religion. It is a loving relationship with your Father in heaven.

    Beloved, hear God speaking this to your heart today: “I will never punish you for your sins because they have been punished in My Son’s body. I do not wish you ill. I will not take away your child or give you a car wreck to teach you some lesson. My heart always wants My children well and joyful!”
    Fr: Joseph Prince Ministries

    Kim, you are correct, accepting your diagnosis as a fact does not mean you are submitting to satan/or the disease. However, accepting that it is the will of God and that God will use it to bring others to Him is un-Biblical and does not reflect the nature of God which is Agape Love.

    It is the goodness of God that leads people to repentance Ro 2:4 (see the AMP version]. God is glorified in the inheritance of the saints. Eph 1:18

    Be blessed and I thank God for you

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