What Do You Believe?

Cancer can give you such an interesting perspective. Nothing will ever look the same to me again. It really is quite similar to being born again in the way of everything looking different. The day after, you’re left wondering, “what now?” It makes you doubt everything you thought you knew and makes you reevaluate how you live your life. It shakes you to your core and changes you. It’s beautiful and surreal and terrifying, all at the same time. And it makes you think. A lot.

And, from what I can tell from the other cancer blogs I follow, I am not alone in this feeling of not being able to shut my brain off. Something about this just kicks your mind into overdrive. Perhaps we are just trying to make sense of this, or maybe we just want to make sure we don’t leave with things unsaid, either way, it seems to be a common affliction.

The main theme of everything that I think of is Jesus. I read and reread John and constantly read about what Paul says of Christ and what a Christ-following life should look like. Paul set that bar pretty high, amiright??

What does it look like to follow Christ? Who was He? What did He say? Do I believe He was who he said He was? Do I understand what exactly His death meant for me? What will happen to me when I die? Am I living how He would want me to?

I’m reminded over and over that Jesus did not come so that we could just blend in and live a quiet life and retire happily and die in our sleep at an old age after a long, healthy life. Maybe that’s how it will work for some people, and that’s cool, but for most of us, that just ain’t the plan. Are you ok with that? Can you accept that Jesus’ plan for you may include more pain, suffering, and hardship than you’ve ever experienced before? Can you trust Him to be who He says He is? Can you let go of the things that keep you from knowing Him more? This isn’t easy, control is hard to give up, but it’s a sign of trust. Can you trust God to help and guide you? Do you trust that He will provide absolutely everything you need?

I want so much to include some scriptures in here, but I just feel like, and forgive me if this comes across wrong, I want people to feel the same desperation for Jesus that I feel. The same longing to read about Him and to know Him and to seek Him through prayer. I don’t want to provide verses that will satisfy the momentary thirst, I want people to be thirsty for the living water. I don’t get a commission or anything if you do, my heart is just desperate for people to see what I’ve found in this “terminal cancer” ridiculousness.

In short, I don’t want you to have to go through what I’m going through to get to where I’m at spiritually. If I’m boasting, then I’m boasting in Christ, so I’m ok with it. See, Paul, I learned something! 😉

I’m not “there” either. No one is. I was reminded of this during worship on Sunday (our worship leader is an AWESOME woman of God, and someone I really look up to). She reminded us that there is no end to the depth of God, it’s a lifelong journey and we decide how deep we want to go. It took a lot of work and lot of questioning and a lot of doubt that I needed to work out, a lot of reading the Bible, a lot of prayer, a lot of allowing myself to be broken and honest before God to get to this place of amazing intimacy, trust, and clarity. Well, to me it’s clarity, it may just come across jumbled here, I’m afraid. But let me tell you, it was worth every second, every tear, every minute of obsessively thinking about God, Heaven, Jesus, all of it.

To put it another way, God will give you as much of Him as YOU want.

So, what do you believe??

Where do we start? This is impossible for me to answer for anyone else. In my opinion, it’s such a personal journey and we all start at different places. But I’m happy to help where I can or pray along with you in your process. If you’re looking into this, I’m happy to be a resource, feel free to comment here or email me or text me, whatever, and I’ll be happy to help where I can.

I don’t feel the need to answer any of these questions for anyone, just needed to pose them.

Rest assured, I’m asking myself the same ones.

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19 thoughts on “What Do You Believe?

  1. Kim, God bless you as you spend time with Scripture each day. As someone with a degree in theology, might I offer up the following? John is our newest Gospel; written 120 some yrs after Jesus died. Mark is the earliest. When I am troubled, that is where I turn; closest to the time. The NRSV translation is closest to the original language and may add clarity as well. God Bless You. I pray for you each and every day.

    1. Thank you Laurie for your prayers and your insight! Awesome that you actually know what you’re talking about haha! I don’t believe the John was written that late though, this was obviously a firsthand account of the ministry of Jesus, someone who witnessed it in full, which couldn’t be the case if it was written that late. I will take another peek at Mark though, thanks! 🙂

  2. Dear Kim, thank you for your honest and inspiring writings. It has been almost 7 years since our darling daughter went to live with Jesus in heaven. She spent a few months shy of 2 years walking the chemo prayer path with Jesus. A myriad of people lifted her up in prayer and prayed for a miracle of physical healing to happen. As we prayed, God worked in Kathy’s life through the Spirit of holiness. God gave her the ability to continue to be the best mom and teacher she could possibly be so that , in the end, her kids were so blessed by her faith and wisdom gathered through each new day. The miracle in her life came, as we found, not in physical healing. On Nov. 26,2007 we realized it was not to be. She knew it was going to happen soon in the days before and she planned her entire memorial service with a celebration at the end. Over 500 kazoos were blasted throughout our beautiful sanctuary to “When the Saints Go Marching In.” This was her plan. She knew where she would be on the day we celebrated her life and it was magnificent. The days and months to follow were surely difficult for us all, especially her 13 and 16 year old kids. However, what we noticed was the spirit of the Lord continuing to work in all of us. We soon realized that she never could have had the courage on her own that she had. It is not a human possibility to do that alone. The miracle for her was that God blessed her in ways unimaginable by staying right with her in the Spirit and sent His angels to minister to her when needed. She was never bitter and she never complained. She continually inspired the neighborhood kids at church each week on Thursday evenings up until the end and taught her kids at school. Today 7 years later, her children are 23 and 21 and carry their mom with them in all they do by living the lives God has seen possible to provide. You remind me of her so much, Kim, except, she didn’t write on a blog as you are doing by sharing your faith journey with so many. God is using you to help and inspire others along the way. If we allow it, God will use us. You are doing a beautiful thing by sharing your deepest feelings with others. I pray for you and your family. May God continue to use you in this way for a long, long time. God bless you. Lydia

    1. Lydia, thanks so much for sharing this, I’m sure it’s still hard. Your daughter sounds like an amazing girl with a great spirit! Seriously ill probably read over this a dozen more time just today, thank you ❤

  3. Well Kim, you are a preacher, teacher and friend to all who follow your journey. I beg to differ on one point – you reap great “commissions” , “rewards” for your boldness to speak the truth in love. Treasures in Heaven – a harvest of righteousness. Luke 12:33, Gal 6:9. Our rewards are eternal and we have no comprehension of how vast and awesome our eternal rewards already are!

    1. You are definitely right, I just always hear from non-believers that Christians are always pushing an agenda or shoving religion down their throats, that was a tongue in cheek way of replying that it’s for no one else’s benefit but theirs! But you are definitely right about the eternal rewards 🙂

  4. WOW! Such powerful truth. I love reading what you write. You have made me want to just go and have a little talk with Jesus. Read his words and know him better. WOW! You have been given a unique platform and Jesus is certainly shine on the stage through your life!

  5. WOW! Such powerful truth. I love reading what you write. You have made me want to just go and have a little talk with Jesus. Read his words and know him better. WOW! You have been given a unique platform and Jesus is certainly shining on the stage through your life!

  6. Kim I am a newly diagnosed melanoma patient. And I am in the begging of a long journey ahead. Your blog has been so encouraging to me as you walk this walk, trusting first in HIM!

  7. I pray for you kim. You are strong enough . God will give you power. Even if i am far away from you, in Romania i follow your blog and i am amazed by your power.

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