Cancer can give you such an interesting perspective. Nothing will ever look the same to me again. It really is quite similar to being born again in the way of everything looking different. The day after, you’re left wondering, “what now?” It makes you doubt everything you thought you knew and makes you reevaluate how you live your life. It shakes you to your core and changes you. It’s beautiful and surreal and terrifying, all at the same time. And it makes you think. A lot.
And, from what I can tell from the other cancer blogs I follow, I am not alone in this feeling of not being able to shut my brain off. Something about this just kicks your mind into overdrive. Perhaps we are just trying to make sense of this, or maybe we just want to make sure we don’t leave with things unsaid, either way, it seems to be a common affliction.
The main theme of everything that I think of is Jesus. I read and reread John and constantly read about what Paul says of Christ and what a Christ-following life should look like. Paul set that bar pretty high, amiright??
What does it look like to follow Christ? Who was He? What did He say? Do I believe He was who he said He was? Do I understand what exactly His death meant for me? What will happen to me when I die? Am I living how He would want me to?
I’m reminded over and over that Jesus did not come so that we could just blend in and live a quiet life and retire happily and die in our sleep at an old age after a long, healthy life. Maybe that’s how it will work for some people, and that’s cool, but for most of us, that just ain’t the plan. Are you ok with that? Can you accept that Jesus’ plan for you may include more pain, suffering, and hardship than you’ve ever experienced before? Can you trust Him to be who He says He is? Can you let go of the things that keep you from knowing Him more? This isn’t easy, control is hard to give up, but it’s a sign of trust. Can you trust God to help and guide you? Do you trust that He will provide absolutely everything you need?
I want so much to include some scriptures in here, but I just feel like, and forgive me if this comes across wrong, I want people to feel the same desperation for Jesus that I feel. The same longing to read about Him and to know Him and to seek Him through prayer. I don’t want to provide verses that will satisfy the momentary thirst, I want people to be thirsty for the living water. I don’t get a commission or anything if you do, my heart is just desperate for people to see what I’ve found in this “terminal cancer” ridiculousness.
In short, I don’t want you to have to go through what I’m going through to get to where I’m at spiritually. If I’m boasting, then I’m boasting in Christ, so I’m ok with it. See, Paul, I learned something! 😉
I’m not “there” either. No one is. I was reminded of this during worship on Sunday (our worship leader is an AWESOME woman of God, and someone I really look up to). She reminded us that there is no end to the depth of God, it’s a lifelong journey and we decide how deep we want to go. It took a lot of work and lot of questioning and a lot of doubt that I needed to work out, a lot of reading the Bible, a lot of prayer, a lot of allowing myself to be broken and honest before God to get to this place of amazing intimacy, trust, and clarity. Well, to me it’s clarity, it may just come across jumbled here, I’m afraid. But let me tell you, it was worth every second, every tear, every minute of obsessively thinking about God, Heaven, Jesus, all of it.
To put it another way, God will give you as much of Him as YOU want.
So, what do you believe??
Where do we start? This is impossible for me to answer for anyone else. In my opinion, it’s such a personal journey and we all start at different places. But I’m happy to help where I can or pray along with you in your process. If you’re looking into this, I’m happy to be a resource, feel free to comment here or email me or text me, whatever, and I’ll be happy to help where I can.
I don’t feel the need to answer any of these questions for anyone, just needed to pose them.
Rest assured, I’m asking myself the same ones.