Bravery, Finally

Ok, so here it is. Here I am with no filter and with no nicely wrapped up ending. I have gotten some news (bad? well, I guess it’s not good technically…) and I’m just waiting to hear how to proceed.

Long story short, for the past few weeks I’ve been feeling a UTI coming on, so I began drinking copious amounts of 100% cranberry juice with hopes to nip it in the bud before I needed medication.

Have you ever had 100% cranberry juice? Not only is it expensive, but it’s absolutely vomit inducing. Horrible stuff really. And more frustrating than the taste; it wasn’t working.

So I sucked it up and went to my family doctor so that I could get some antibiotics and relief. The only problem was that I don’t have a UTI. At all. I can’t even be proud of producing a perfect urine sample because of what that means for someone in my situation.


A possibility of a tumor growing in my bladder or urethra. We aren’t sure obviously, but just the possibility kind of put me into a state of shock. And urethra is a really gross word that I don’t want to have to get used to saying.

I will be getting a CAT scan soon, probably within a week or so, that will let us know for sure hopefully.

I never saw this coming. Although I, admittedly, had somewhat differing symptoms than your typical run-of-the-mill UTI, I still was sure that’s all it was. It wasn’t until the doctor informed me that the good news was that I didn’t have a UTI and the bad news was that…I didn’t have a UTI, that I realized the enormity of this situation. And hey, maybe I’m just over reacting and it’s nothing, but my mind is not letting me rest on that assumption.

Living like this in this kind of weird remission-like state for the past few months has been like living under the other shoe that you are just waiting to drop on you. Is this the other shoe stomping down and squishing me? I don’t know. We already know that I have a cancer that is indiscriminate in how it progresses (it will go anywhere), that mine has already spread great distances, and we know that my chemo only works for some people and only works for so long. Since it’s so new, we don’t know who or why. Or when.

I wasn’t even able to talk about this yesterday. And I’m not talking about it today as a means of eliciting pity or anything from anyone. I’m in this to tell my story, and unfortunately, part of the cancer story includes things like this, things with no nice neat ending, things with lots of question marks.

This, I think, might be the first time I’ve offered something without a conclusion, something without a nice ending, something without really knowing where this will take me. I haven’t even been able to sleep the last few weeks, partially due to discomfort, but mostly, honestly, and I can’t believe I’m admitting this, because I’m scared I’m going to die at night. I don’t know why, but I just am. So I’m usually up til around 2am these days. I know it doesn’t make sense and that I’m not in any actual danger of dying right now, but you try telling my subconscious that.

So where am I at with all of this? I don’t know. How do I feel? Uncomfortable and tired. Am I doubting God, His existence, or His goodness? No. Am I still full of joy and purpose? Yes.


16 thoughts on “Bravery, Finally

  1. Kim, please know that if you need someone to talk to late, since Mike passed, I’m usually up…sometimes until 1 or so…

  2. We are praying for you many times throughout the days. We will add a calm spirit at night. I don’t know if it will help but when my heart is trouble and my mind has not connected with the need for rest like my body has I use a drop of lavender oil on my neck.
    Love and miss you bunches

  3. Praying right this moment that God’s peace would encompass you and put your heart and mind at rest. He is Immanuel – God with us.

  4. Praying, praying, praying! May God wrap you tightly in his embrace, calm your fears, and fill you with peace. Continuing to pray every day for complete healing.

  5. God works miracles as we all know and you have been through tremendous times. I would have a hard time sleeping at night too just because my brain is still processing so many thoughts — thinking about others and their reactions as well as dealing with your own bucket list, if something should happen. And what if this doesn’t work???? But maybe the scan will just show a cyst that is benign and easily removed. I pray that you will be able to get some well deserved rest over the holidays and able to spend them laughing and memorable with your family. In God’s hands you are placed!

  6. Prayers Kim! It is always at night that our biggest worries and fears show their ugly heads! The nurse I me says wow that would be a weird place for mets so hoping my inner nurse is right and it is something easily fixable! (is that a word?) Again, prayers for peace, healing and sleep!

  7. Kim,

    I know we don’t actually know each other, but I feel like I know you from reading your posts and seeing the pictures of your sweet family. We are close in age and so are our children. It saddens me when you get bad news. I want nothing more than for you to be an example of the miracles God can perform and I want your cancer to completely go away and never come back so that you can enjoy many many many more years with your beautiful children. I just want you to know that I am praying for you and I hope you get good results with this CAT scan. Have a wonderful Christmas with your family! 💜

  8. A little humor is needed you poor thing…….ask most men how they want to die and they’ll say in bed with a beautiful girl…….so the flip side for you would be in bed at night sleeping with your hunk husband ……;). Let all your prayer warriors do the worrying for you, we all have your back.

  9. Dearest Kim, my prayers are for you! I pray for the least of causes and the greatest healing of this new development. Give it to God. Get some sleep. Are you allowed to take melatonin to bring on sleep? I pray your stress eases and healing continues. Bonnie Stauffer

  10. Adele and I are saying prayers for you. You are strong, I see it in your writing and in your face every time I stop by or see you walking the block. I am making a “God is my strength Box” for our house, something to write down those anxieties and worries on paper and put them into God’s hands. That act of actually writing those worries and “Giving them to God” seems like a good way to reinforce that God will take care of them.
    I wanted to thank you for the cookies, Adele is back home and I am her willing slave (caretaker) for 6 weeks or so. She is thankfully doing well after her surgery.

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