Ok, so here it is. Here I am with no filter and with no nicely wrapped up ending. I have gotten some news (bad? well, I guess it’s not good technically…) and I’m just waiting to hear how to proceed.
Long story short, for the past few weeks I’ve been feeling a UTI coming on, so I began drinking copious amounts of 100% cranberry juice with hopes to nip it in the bud before I needed medication.
Have you ever had 100% cranberry juice? Not only is it expensive, but it’s absolutely vomit inducing. Horrible stuff really. And more frustrating than the taste; it wasn’t working.
So I sucked it up and went to my family doctor so that I could get some antibiotics and relief. The only problem was that I don’t have a UTI. At all. I can’t even be proud of producing a perfect urine sample because of what that means for someone in my situation.
A possibility of a tumor growing in my bladder or urethra. We aren’t sure obviously, but just the possibility kind of put me into a state of shock. And urethra is a really gross word that I don’t want to have to get used to saying.
I will be getting a CAT scan soon, probably within a week or so, that will let us know for sure hopefully.
I never saw this coming. Although I, admittedly, had somewhat differing symptoms than your typical run-of-the-mill UTI, I still was sure that’s all it was. It wasn’t until the doctor informed me that the good news was that I didn’t have a UTI and the bad news was that…I didn’t have a UTI, that I realized the enormity of this situation. And hey, maybe I’m just over reacting and it’s nothing, but my mind is not letting me rest on that assumption.
Living like this in this kind of weird remission-like state for the past few months has been like living under the other shoe that you are just waiting to drop on you. Is this the other shoe stomping down and squishing me? I don’t know. We already know that I have a cancer that is indiscriminate in how it progresses (it will go anywhere), that mine has already spread great distances, and we know that my chemo only works for some people and only works for so long. Since it’s so new, we don’t know who or why. Or when.
I wasn’t even able to talk about this yesterday. And I’m not talking about it today as a means of eliciting pity or anything from anyone. I’m in this to tell my story, and unfortunately, part of the cancer story includes things like this, things with no nice neat ending, things with lots of question marks.
This, I think, might be the first time I’ve offered something without a conclusion, something without a nice ending, something without really knowing where this will take me. I haven’t even been able to sleep the last few weeks, partially due to discomfort, but mostly, honestly, and I can’t believe I’m admitting this, because I’m scared I’m going to die at night. I don’t know why, but I just am. So I’m usually up til around 2am these days. I know it doesn’t make sense and that I’m not in any actual danger of dying right now, but you try telling my subconscious that.
So where am I at with all of this? I don’t know. How do I feel? Uncomfortable and tired. Am I doubting God, His existence, or His goodness? No. Am I still full of joy and purpose? Yes.