Prognosis: An expert in his or her field telling you how long you likely have to live based on his or her findings/research/expertise/experience.
That’s just my definition, not Webster’s, but I think it’s pretty on point. Do you even realize how ridiculous that is?? Terrifying, right? Trust me when I say there is a huge difference in just knowing vaguely that one day you will die of something and knowing, give or take a few months, when you will die and what from. It still blows my mind that at my age (30) that I’ve not only been given a prognosis, but that I’ve already outlived it.
It feels like living on borrowed time. Like I’ve slipped through unnoticed so if I do anything too crazy or rock the boat too much that I’ll get spotted and taken immediately. I know that’s not how it works, but that’s how I feel anyway. In fact, I feel a lot of things that I know aren’t necessarily rooted in fact.
I feel lucky; like I dodged a bullet. Then I feel angry that I was even shot at. Then I feel fear because I realize it’s some bullet/boomerang hybrid and it’ll likely come back and get me yet.
Before anyone starts worrying, no, I haven’t been given any (new) bad news and no, nothing new is going on healthwise.
I’m not someone who is overly dramatic or prone to fear, but these thoughts plague me sometimes. But at the same time, I know that just because I think or feel something doesn’t make it truth. And I need to dissect what I’m truly afraid of.
I am not afraid of dying.
That’s the truth. In fact, I understand Paul on a different level when he talks about being sort of torn between longing to finally be free in heaven, but also wanting to stay on earth longer to fulfill his purpose. There is no part of me that questions what will happen after I take my final breath. But yet, there is still fear.
So, can there really be no fear in death?? From what I can tell we all suffer from a huge case of fear of the unknown. My fear lies in what my children, husband, and family would have to face. My fear is in not doing everything that I could have done for Christ. My fear is that I will leave work unfinished in ministry. My fear is that I could have missed opportunities to show love, or help somewhere, or fill a need because I was too internally focused. And there’s lots more where that came from. There are many fears that I’m dealing with in facing death, but none of them is a fear of the actual death part.
God is so amazing!
There are people who believe that God is a crutch for people like me, that faith is just a coping mechanism, but trust me, I’m a soul searcher and truth seeker, and if it wasn’t real the facade would have crumbled long ago. In fact, I only found Christ 7 years ago. Praise God that I let Him get a hold of me. And my main desire is for others to feel that same sense of love, acceptance, belonging, forgiveness, etc.
Believe it or not, Christians don’t get commission or anything based on how many people we share Jesus with (although, that’s not a bad idea) but we are so persistent because we know how things were for us before Christ and how things can be after.
Cancer is a horrible disease, but I do not fear what it may do to me. My days have been ordained, and that gives me great comfort. And also helps me realize that I still have time. I’m still here ready to take on the world for Jesus and I won’t stop until my last breath.