There just aren’t enough words in the English language to properly express how much I hate cancer. This disease is cowardly. It doesn’t care how old you are or if you have children or even if you are a child. It’s terrible, horrible, awful, and everything else generally associated with straight up crud. It makes the strong feel weak and brings otherwise healthy people to their knees. It eats away at your body and makes you realize you have absolutely no control over your life. It makes you doubt your sanity and pushes you physically to a point that’s sometimes just too much.
I just hate it.
I hate that tomorrow my hubby and I have to drive 90 miles IN A BLIZZARD to go to Penn for an MRI & MRA of my brain because of cancer. I hate that Tuesday means seeing my oncologist and getting chemo. A drug that I cannot live without. I hate feeling dependent on a drug. I hate that I don’t get to see my kids for 3 days because of this stupid crap. I hate the sleeplessness. I hate the fear. I hate the helplessness. And I hate sadness.
I hate how much it’s been making me cry.
I know that crying can be healthy, but I hate crying, and this makes me hate cancer even more because it’s been making me cry all evening.
Sometimes you just don’t have the strength in you. This MRI and MRA of my brain will give us so many answers. It will tell us what’s going on with my known aneurysm and also about the possibility of Another. And is my brain tumor branching out? Or was it just an illusion based on a faulty test 7 weeks ago? The implications of my brain tumor growing are more than I’m able to mentally handle at this point.
I can’t do this. I feel like I can’t. I know that I will, that tomorrow will come, and somehow this stuff will happen. But I just don’t feel like I can do it.
I hate this feeling. And, by the way, I really hate cancer.
And in case you were wondering…
Other things I hate:
-Mayonnaise. I’ve never even tried it, it just…ew…
-When people have their turn signal on for miles
-That our bodies don’t recognize holidays as days where calories don’t count
-When the dog and cat stare at something that I can’t see. Freaks me out.
-Cannibals on TV or in movies. Just…why?
-When I can’t remember how long that half-drank water bottle has been sitting there. It’s probably still good, right?
-Driving through horse crap #amishcountryproblems
-Birds. All of them.
-When it’s too cold for just a tshirt but too hot for a sweatshirt
They’re doing it again…