Good News Squared

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I love good news, I really do, but after so long of not only getting bad news but getting seemingly the worst news possible when you least expect it, I have a hard time believing good news anymore. Call it cynicism, call it realism, call it being hardened by the world, call it whatever you want, there is a part of me that cannot accept good news anymore, at least not gracefully.

I went to Penn yesterday to get an MRA and everything looked great. MRA’s show us blood vessels and flow in the brain, and so all of that looked great. Great. Due to a scheduling mishap and the “blizzard” I was unable to get an MRI to look at the brain tissue and known tumor itself and I was also unable to see my oncologist and get chemo (chemo rescheduled for next week, MRI still unknown).

So with this good news, I should be happy, right? Yeah, I guess. But sometimes in all of this, I’ve found that there’s comfort in answers, even if they’re hard. So my symptoms are still present but there is nothing concrete to pin it to. That’s ok, but still hard to accept. I know there must be something there. It doesn’t make sense that there wouldn’t be.

I have a hard time believing this news. Believing that there isn’t something bigger and more sinister going on in my body. I have a hard time believing that all of the things that I’m feeling and experiencing aren’t actually from cancer but may just be residual side effects from treatments and medications. How can this be? It’s not that I want something to be wrong, it’s just that there has to be something, right?

I guess I just didn’t realize exactly how far down into my psyche this experience has embedded itself, how much it has changed me deep into my core. I can no longer believe that I’m ok for the moment.

Stereotypical Christian blog moment (but whatever it really happened), after my oncologist texted me around 10pm last night to tell me this, I found myself in a low place. This can’t be right. He’s reading something wrong. There’s no way that’s correct.

And I prayed for peace. Then I did what admittedly I don’t often do and I prayed for God to send me a scripture to comfort me or guide me or give me just whatever I wasn’t picking up at this moment. He sent me to Mark. I don’t read Mark a lot, in fact, I can’t remember the last time I read it. I typically stick with John if I’m going to read a gospel, Matthew if I’m feeling a little crazy. But there I was last night around 1am after lots of crying and binge watching Netflix and trying to put it all out of my head, knowing that I couldn’t leave it like that. God wanted to tell me something and I couldn’t ignore Him any longer.

This scripture is absolutely taken out of context and this is totally not what Jesus meant when He said this, but what I read in Mark 1:15 was “believe the Good News!”. Jesus was obviously talking about the Good News of a savior, but in this I saw that Jesus had some amazing insight into the human condition and it felt like He was holding my face and looking directly into my eyes in that moment. Believe the good news.

Some things seem too good to be true. Some things don’t add up because it’s not how it’s supposed to go or it’s not what we deserve or not what we planned on, but there it is nonetheless. The good news. Accept it.

Jesus knows our hearts and knows that we are skeptics and have been hardened by the world and our experiences in it. And He still tells us to believe the good news anyway, and so I will. Yes, there’s the good news of a test that didn’t show anything, but even more than that is that good news that I have a savior, I have His word to stand on and Him to stand with me. In everything.

I still have an MRI and PET scan in my near future, but I’m choosing to accept that on this day at this time I have no active cancer that we know of and I will live my life accordingly. Not with trepidation or weariness or fear and “what if’s” plaguing me, but with assurance and peace.

And thanks everyone for your prayers and supportive comments. Thanks for letting me know that there are others out there with the same aversion to mayonnaise and Pepsi – you guys are the best!!

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18 thoughts on “Good News Squared

  1. I am so thankful and happy for you and your family that you received some GOOD NEWS today!! What an awesome moment when you were led to that perfect verse!! So cool!! I love, love, love reading your blog Kim!! I HATE the reason you are writing it, but love to see what you have to say each time you add something new. It sounds so cliché to tell you how inspiring your words are for me, but the truly are inspiring!! You are wise beyond your years and write so honestly and from the heart, it really “speaks to me” and to MANY others!! You are showing so many people the love of Jesus!! I continue to pray for you and for your beautiful family!! Looks like I’ll be seeing you soon at my Monday morning CRAZY LADY Bible study group (Renee Brass). Can’t wait to meet you, and again SO HAPPY to hear your GOOD NEWS!!! -Sandy Jones 🙂

  2. We serve an awesome God who still does great things when we humble ourselves before Him. Kim, you are such a blessing and God just continues to use in ways you may never fully realize. I continue to pray for God’s continued strength.

  3. I am really glad to read this self evaluation and I pray that it is an epithany for you. I sort of view it as a choice between facts and fear, you choose. Based on all the medical data “facts” in your case and the online articles regarding ippy plus PD1 It is becoming clearer to me at least that cancer is a little c, Christ is a big C and there is also another big C to be considered……………….”Cure”

    1. I’m hoping you’re right Rick!! It’s annoying to have to make these conscious decisions all the time about how I’m going to deal with things, but hey, its working out ok I think (:

      1. I can’t imagine how hard it is as you say to make all the conscious decisions , a rollercoaster of emotions, so I was always reluctant to use the “cure” word, but with your three legged stool approach and world wide PD1 medical data results it is something meriting consideration.

  4. Just an example of how cancer takes over every part of someone’s life. You can suddenly have big gaps in your life because the cancer is not there to think about. I found that I had to learn to fill those gaps with new healthy things that lifted me up and moved me forward in life.

    1. Yeah exactly! It’s amazing how much of a conscious effort it is now, but I love how you put that about filling the gaps with healthy uplifting things, never thought of it quite like that! (:

  5. When Jesus told you “Believe the Good News!” I got chills! Only He does stuff like that. Made my day girl! I am cheering for you (and praying of course!) and more awesome Jesus is there and speaking so clearly to you…how cool is that! I just love when that happens.

  6. Yahoo Yayyy Yippeee!!!
    We celebrate any good news with you, including that of our Savior.
    There will be a loaf of fresh baked bread ready for you this afternoon, if is in the rising stage now.
    Rick & Adele

  7. Good news, indeed – about your scan results and your realization it is hard to accept. There is no question that chemicals and trauma affect and change a person’s brain function – literally. The emotions, the negativity, the expectation of response are all part of what has been your daily life for well over a year. I learned from a clinical psychologist recently that science is learning more very quickly how every part of the brain works together to process information. Every chemical, every experience gets processed and lodged somewhere in there causing changes to how we think. There are at least 5 negative responses to the one pleasure response. Even though the logical part of your brain is able to reason things out, the emotional, the deep parts of your brain are trying to sort out the meaning in all this. Don’t be hard on yourself. You are still under treatment and testing. Until the decision is made to alter that course, you will continue to be defined by what is happening to you. Praise be to God – He understands! He is using your experience to testify of His great love for us in a mighty way. My prayer for you in that you recognize that many of your ailments are a direct result of the chemo. Take very good care of your body by eating healthfully and activity that is fun. This season will pass – it just takes a long time (in our view). Blessings to you and your entire family.

  8. Kinda funny, I don’t actually pray for you very often (Just being honest; you’re a friend of a friend & I’ve never met you.) I specifically prayed this afternoon that you’d get some GOOD NEWS. So glad you finally got some! 😊

  9. I love reading your posts, Kim. I wish I had some great wisdom and encouragement to share with you, but it looks like anything I could say has been said – so glad to see you are surrounded by such a great cloud of support! Know that I do pray for you as I read your posts..and please keep sharing. You are touching so many lives as you courageously be ‘real’ while sharing your heart. Bless ya! (hug)

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