I love good news, I really do, but after so long of not only getting bad news but getting seemingly the worst news possible when you least expect it, I have a hard time believing good news anymore. Call it cynicism, call it realism, call it being hardened by the world, call it whatever you want, there is a part of me that cannot accept good news anymore, at least not gracefully.
I went to Penn yesterday to get an MRA and everything looked great. MRA’s show us blood vessels and flow in the brain, and so all of that looked great. Great. Due to a scheduling mishap and the “blizzard” I was unable to get an MRI to look at the brain tissue and known tumor itself and I was also unable to see my oncologist and get chemo (chemo rescheduled for next week, MRI still unknown).
So with this good news, I should be happy, right? Yeah, I guess. But sometimes in all of this, I’ve found that there’s comfort in answers, even if they’re hard. So my symptoms are still present but there is nothing concrete to pin it to. That’s ok, but still hard to accept. I know there must be something there. It doesn’t make sense that there wouldn’t be.
I have a hard time believing this news. Believing that there isn’t something bigger and more sinister going on in my body. I have a hard time believing that all of the things that I’m feeling and experiencing aren’t actually from cancer but may just be residual side effects from treatments and medications. How can this be? It’s not that I want something to be wrong, it’s just that there has to be something, right?
I guess I just didn’t realize exactly how far down into my psyche this experience has embedded itself, how much it has changed me deep into my core. I can no longer believe that I’m ok for the moment.
Stereotypical Christian blog moment (but whatever it really happened), after my oncologist texted me around 10pm last night to tell me this, I found myself in a low place. This can’t be right. He’s reading something wrong. There’s no way that’s correct.
And I prayed for peace. Then I did what admittedly I don’t often do and I prayed for God to send me a scripture to comfort me or guide me or give me just whatever I wasn’t picking up at this moment. He sent me to Mark. I don’t read Mark a lot, in fact, I can’t remember the last time I read it. I typically stick with John if I’m going to read a gospel, Matthew if I’m feeling a little crazy. But there I was last night around 1am after lots of crying and binge watching Netflix and trying to put it all out of my head, knowing that I couldn’t leave it like that. God wanted to tell me something and I couldn’t ignore Him any longer.
This scripture is absolutely taken out of context and this is totally not what Jesus meant when He said this, but what I read in Mark 1:15 was “believe the Good News!”. Jesus was obviously talking about the Good News of a savior, but in this I saw that Jesus had some amazing insight into the human condition and it felt like He was holding my face and looking directly into my eyes in that moment. Believe the good news.
Some things seem too good to be true. Some things don’t add up because it’s not how it’s supposed to go or it’s not what we deserve or not what we planned on, but there it is nonetheless. The good news. Accept it.
Jesus knows our hearts and knows that we are skeptics and have been hardened by the world and our experiences in it. And He still tells us to believe the good news anyway, and so I will. Yes, there’s the good news of a test that didn’t show anything, but even more than that is that good news that I have a savior, I have His word to stand on and Him to stand with me. In everything.
I still have an MRI and PET scan in my near future, but I’m choosing to accept that on this day at this time I have no active cancer that we know of and I will live my life accordingly. Not with trepidation or weariness or fear and “what if’s” plaguing me, but with assurance and peace.
And thanks everyone for your prayers and supportive comments. Thanks for letting me know that there are others out there with the same aversion to mayonnaise and Pepsi – you guys are the best!!