Sometimes it’s easy to feel powerless; in my situation, in any situation. Actually most of what I’ve struggled with mentally and emotionally through all of this cancer business has been dealing with the loss of control in my life. Or the loss of what I had perceived as control. The truth is, I had far less say in the happenings in my life than I liked to admit. As a believer, I had fooled myself into thinking that I had given every part to God and trusted Him in everything, only to find out when everything happened that I had been fooling myself.
This has been a very difficult reality to come to, but I’m little by little getting there and seeing that trust in every aspect is better than control in any one.
A few months before my diagnosis, I remember listening to Avalanche by Hillsong, a song I was familiar with anyway, but I was alone in the kitchen one summer afternoon doing dishes while the kids were napping and I just began singing and crying, “take my life, take all that I am, with all that I am I will love you. Take my heart, take all that I have, Jesus how I adore you…” and I sang it and I meant it. I wanted more in that moment, I wanted more of God, more out of my life, more purpose. I felt a heart change then. I’m not saying I was technically ready for what was ahead, because nothing can prepare you for this. But I was ready to let God lead, to let go, to become who He wanted me to be, not who I thought He wanted me to be or what I thought a Christian should be.
I’m forever grateful for that moment. It taught me so much about God and how He works. How much He loves us. How He’s always there, but we must be the ones to accept, submit, and be willing. This is not easy for any of us and is a continual process until the day we take our last breath. I’m not sure it ever gets easier, but as we allow God to chip away at our facade, we become a better version of ourselves through trusting and honoring Him.
I’m waiting for my chemo infusion at this very moment and was wrestling with a feeling of powerlessness. But the beauty is that there is something very empowering about relinquishing control. I feel that I can accomplish infinitely more standing in His will than I ever could without Him.
Sometimes I just need the reminder.
Open my lips, Lord,
and my mouth will declare your praise.
You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.
My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart
you, God, will not despise.
~Psalm 51-15-19 (NIV)
What could I say?
What could I do?
But offer this heart, Lord God, to you?
So I’ll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the one who gave it all
And I’ll stand
My soul, Lord, to you surrendered
All I am is Yours
The Stand Hillsong (duh…)