So my oncologist dropped a bombshell on me on Tuesday.
Apparently…I have anxiety.
I know that my doctor cares and is truly only looking out for me. But I couldn’t help but think, “Doesn’t everyone in this situation? How many of your patients don’t?”
Like is it really that weird that a 30 year old with stage 4 melanoma who is married with 2 little kids and has already outlived her prognosis might be a little uneasy here? How someone with mets in her brain, hip bone, and lung might be a tad bit curious about what those little turds might be up to? Is it soooo far-fetched that someone whose chemo is taming these mets for the moment might be an eensy weensy bit concerned considering the last MRI showed something possibly suspicious with my brain tumor? And how about the fact that I had a seizure last Wednesday (even on my meds. Not a big one, but a seizure nonetheless) that makes it even worse??
Then tack on the fact that they are, for whatever reason, making it extremely difficult to schedule said brain MRI that I’m overdue for. There is a lot riding on this, so excuse me if I seem a little frazzled! (Sorry, I must have put on my sassy pants this morning).
I guess he somehow sensed my slight inner turmoil and began to talk about calming strategies. It seemed odd. Not unappreciated, but odd.
What kind of things do I already do? I’m glad you asked!
He also had some fun suggestions! Like meditation!
I almost lol’d at that one. I’m imagining me trying to meditate and be all zen while the kids are doing one of three things: not leaving me alone, trying to kill each other, or teaming up together and getting into mischief while mommy’s humming “ommmm”.
Cancer is a constant mind game. It’s always there in the back of your mind, and I’m certain that even if I would ever hear that I was “cured” some of these anxieties would linger in the back of my mind forever. Maybe that’s just me, or maybe it’s just how the disease changes you, not just physically, but mentally as well.
I don’t see this as an issue, quite honestly. Maybe a little lack of sleep and maybe some headaches that I wouldn’t have otherwise, but I see this as a normal part of the cancer experience, a normal part of the human experience. It’s tense and it’s ugly sometimes, but I’ve become more mindful of balance in my life and am afforded what probably looks like a pretty stress-free life if you didn’t know the situation.
Plus I know I will feel better after I get this MRI. I just need to know, ya know?