MRI, Port, and…Revival?

Been a crazy couple of days around here! Eric and I headed out to Philly last night to get my brain MRI and then stayed over at my brother and sister-in-law’s overnight since they live out there because I was set to get my port done today.  And, like always recently, there was the threat of a huge snowstorm.

Luckily, we got my MRI last night without incident then got to relax a little with my brother and sister-in-law, and since there was a snowstorm, they had two hour delays at work so we got to hang out with our beautiful niece this morning! It’s the first time a storm worked in our favor (:

We got to Penn a little early today and they took me right back to get my port.  You all probably know how terrified I was of getting this.  I knew it was unreasonable the whole time, but for whatever reason I was very resistant to getting it.  The fact that it took 4 tries to get my IV in for the procedure reinforced the necessity of it at this point.

So as I waited nervously while they were prepping, bored without my phone, lonely without my hubby, and grumpy because I’d been fasting, I began to fear that I may say something weird or stupid under sedation (they don’t put you totally out, it’s the twilight stuff).  So I decided I’d think of a song and get it going in my head so that it’d be in my brain and at worst I’d start singing (these things I find to worry about, right??)  I chose Hillsong’s “Oceans”. 

Long story, but I realized that I haven’t been listening to this song a lot lately.  I’ve almost become a little spiritually anorexic over the last week.  They say anorexia is a form of asserting control in one’s life, and for me, I knew God was there but I was shutting Him out.  Kind of on purpose, as ashamed as I am to admit that.  Like, I felt that I could control how deep I went with Him and that that was one of the few things I could control in this.  I was choosing to wallow in self-pity and sort of shut God out.  It was a sad and empty few days.

So anyway, they take me back into the room and one of the nurses asked what I wanted to listen to on Pandora.  I said, “Doesn’t matter, whatever you guys want.” He insisted, “Nah, it’s about you! What do you want?” “Um, ok, I like the Hillsong station.”

No more was said and it was quiet for a while, so I assumed he just forgot.  As I layed there, with nurses coming in and out, prepping this and that, I finally let God back in.  I prayed and apologized for letting myself become like this, and I prayed and begged that He would give me some feeling or inclination that He was there.  I cried out (silently) and felt quite discouraged.

And then I heard it…a commercial. (Apparently none of my copays are going towards upgrading their Pandora, it’s all good though, I was glad that I was soon going to hear some familiar music.)

And then “Oceans” came on.  Tears rolled down my cheeks and I couldn’t help but smile.  He heard me.  And not only was I not being punished for shutting Him out, He was closer than ever, comforting me and giving me a peace beyond all understanding.

The port went in, and I survived haha.  Check it out!

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And when I was reunited with Eric in the recovery area, I had a message from my oncologist telling me to call him back.  So I did and he informed us that my brain tumor didn’t change at all, and that it might even possibly be dead!  This is so awesome and a huge relief.

Physically I feel like I got punched in the throat, but aside from that I feel really, really good.  I could have probably made this shorter, but the truth is, I wanted to share this in the hopes that it may help someone else who may be shutting God out because of tough circumstances.  He is there, waiting, for you to let Him in.

And now we are home where we belong, snuggling with our babies, and counting our blessings.

It’s been a great day.

.

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47 thoughts on “MRI, Port, and…Revival?

  1. Hi there, my english is as horrible as always but just telling you that I’m thinking a lot about you and I wish that this horrible disease gives you a rest… In french we say : je t’embrasse fort”

  2. Kim I am so glad your tests etc went well. I totally understand the feeling of God being far away . Then I realize it is me just trying to handle stuff by myself and he is waiting for me to realize I can’t do it without him. We have such a great God don’t we.

  3. I cried reading this..i was okay until I read the part about the song coming on when you were feeling the worst about the port…your faith inspires me to never ever give up and to know God is with us through everything…Bless you and thank you!

  4. For What it’s worth, they did a beautiful job on your port. Mike had his changed 2. He had lots of scar tissue, and 3 ugly scars. He did one port change without anesthesia because he forgot to fast…

    1. Oh my! That’s awful! It’s weird I feel like I heard equal parts horror stories and equal parts “you’re gonna love it”. Maybe that’s what I was so scared of, I had no clue what to expect. That stinks about Mike’s experiences! (Especially the one without anesthesia- yikes!)

  5. Thank you for your strength and your encouragement and following what The Lord has asked of you. Although I feel so silly because my problems are so minute compared to what you are going through, I needed to hear this! You are an amazing, inspiring woman! You and your family are in my prayers!! Blessings!!

  6. “Bored without my phone”. Hmmmmmmm i wonder what we could give up for Lent ? 😉 Looks like your green nail polish spilled on your sweatshirt in the one photo.
    toujours dans nos prières

    1. Hahaha! Are we supposed to do that? I get the symbolism of Lent, but never really did it. Hmm, something to think about! And Evan picked my nail color lol, but I’ll admit I love it. Oh, and, Merci! (:

  7. Kim-I love that your posts are so real! My brother had to get a port and after it was done he was glad that he did it. Made his life easier!. SO awesome about your brain!! God is awesome!!! Continuing prayers!!

  8. Thank you for sharing the gamut of your emotions with us. So human, so very real. I am sure that those who follow your blog and are dealing with cancer are very encouraged by your candor and openness to share. Bless you and your precious family!

  9. Wow! Praise God for the good news and thank you Father God for always loving us and being with us no matter what. Thank you God for showing your love for Kim in an extra special way today with a song and letting her know that you are always with her. Thank you for sharing Kim. You are an inspiration and encourager to others. Thank you for being open and sharing your journey and testimony through your blog. My husband and I continue to pray for your complete healing every day.

  10. I am glad you got your port! You are going to love it and be grateful for it! It makes treatments so much easier. You won’t have to sit there worrying about how many sticks till they get you. You won’t have to worry about your veins getting damaged through treatments.

    I now it is hard to see right now but sometime soon it will all be a distant memory. WhenI went through my treatments, I thought it would never end. All I saw was the dark pit that had no light at the end of the tunnel. Well it is there and it will come. You will walk out of this greater and stronger then ever before.

    Sending you love and prayers! Take one day at a time.

    1. Thank you so much for your encouragement! You are so right, sometimes it just seems so bleak and I feel so trapped, but that’s a part of the journey I guess. And I seriously already love my port, I have no idea what I was so afraid of!

  11. Praising God with you, Kim! He truly rushes in to comfort us when His kids cry! I love you so much! We will keep on praying you through!

  12. First song I thought of when reading this – “Celebrate Good Times”, yes I am that old!
    We do have an Awesome God and He does hear us all the time. I am so happy to hear everything is going well.

  13. I cried when I read this! So glad God let you know He was there with you. And very glad for your results. Continued prayers for you.

  14. So awesome! We are so happy for you and yours……………………..!!!!!!! God is really a GREAT GOD!!! His love is everlasting! Big hugs to all of you…………the pictures of the kids are so sweet! Adele and Rick

  15. What a great & wonderful & personal God we have ! He loves us so tenderly. Your blog continues to be such an inspiration. You are an awesome woman of God and I am so proud to say also my sister in Christ ! Keep it comin sis cuz you are sure having a powerful impact on lots of people’s lives. Prayers & God’s blessings on you and your beautiful family.

  16. Kim, I just read your story in”Life Beautifull” magazine. I am so blessed by your courage and trust in God,. I write this with tears after reading this update on His faithfulness in speaking to us in our darkest time. As a mom/grandma with a daughter and gransons your same ages, my heart aches for you from a human standpoint, but know that God’s plan is bigger than ours. I will be lifting your name to the Father regularly……and hope to be still following your blog when you are a grandma! Blessings, strength and peace on the journey

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