Been a crazy couple of days around here! Eric and I headed out to Philly last night to get my brain MRI and then stayed over at my brother and sister-in-law’s overnight since they live out there because I was set to get my port done today. And, like always recently, there was the threat of a huge snowstorm.
Luckily, we got my MRI last night without incident then got to relax a little with my brother and sister-in-law, and since there was a snowstorm, they had two hour delays at work so we got to hang out with our beautiful niece this morning! It’s the first time a storm worked in our favor (:
We got to Penn a little early today and they took me right back to get my port. You all probably know how terrified I was of getting this. I knew it was unreasonable the whole time, but for whatever reason I was very resistant to getting it. The fact that it took 4 tries to get my IV in for the procedure reinforced the necessity of it at this point.
So as I waited nervously while they were prepping, bored without my phone, lonely without my hubby, and grumpy because I’d been fasting, I began to fear that I may say something weird or stupid under sedation (they don’t put you totally out, it’s the twilight stuff). So I decided I’d think of a song and get it going in my head so that it’d be in my brain and at worst I’d start singing (these things I find to worry about, right??) I chose Hillsong’s “Oceans”.
Long story, but I realized that I haven’t been listening to this song a lot lately. I’ve almost become a little spiritually anorexic over the last week. They say anorexia is a form of asserting control in one’s life, and for me, I knew God was there but I was shutting Him out. Kind of on purpose, as ashamed as I am to admit that. Like, I felt that I could control how deep I went with Him and that that was one of the few things I could control in this. I was choosing to wallow in self-pity and sort of shut God out. It was a sad and empty few days.
So anyway, they take me back into the room and one of the nurses asked what I wanted to listen to on Pandora. I said, “Doesn’t matter, whatever you guys want.” He insisted, “Nah, it’s about you! What do you want?” “Um, ok, I like the Hillsong station.”
No more was said and it was quiet for a while, so I assumed he just forgot. As I layed there, with nurses coming in and out, prepping this and that, I finally let God back in. I prayed and apologized for letting myself become like this, and I prayed and begged that He would give me some feeling or inclination that He was there. I cried out (silently) and felt quite discouraged.
And then I heard it…a commercial. (Apparently none of my copays are going towards upgrading their Pandora, it’s all good though, I was glad that I was soon going to hear some familiar music.)
And then “Oceans” came on. Tears rolled down my cheeks and I couldn’t help but smile. He heard me. And not only was I not being punished for shutting Him out, He was closer than ever, comforting me and giving me a peace beyond all understanding.
The port went in, and I survived haha. Check it out!
And when I was reunited with Eric in the recovery area, I had a message from my oncologist telling me to call him back. So I did and he informed us that my brain tumor didn’t change at all, and that it might even possibly be dead! This is so awesome and a huge relief.
Physically I feel like I got punched in the throat, but aside from that I feel really, really good. I could have probably made this shorter, but the truth is, I wanted to share this in the hopes that it may help someone else who may be shutting God out because of tough circumstances. He is there, waiting, for you to let Him in.
And now we are home where we belong, snuggling with our babies, and counting our blessings.
It’s been a great day.