Cracking

I have a PET scan tomorrow.  Although you would think I’d be used to these by now, I still am not completely there yet I guess.  My usual means of dealing with the feelings that come along with these types of tests are to withdraw a bit for the few days leading up to them.  Ok, withdraw a lot.  From friends, from family, from God.  I know it sounds weird but I guess I figure if I can grit my teeth and just get through it then I can deal with whatever comes of it.  Lately my scans have been good.  Great, actually.  

But today I feel overwhelmed with the fragility of this state.  The thought that this could all be taken away from me so quickly is weighing me down.  Anything bad showing up on this scan could mean the end.  Living with this knowledge is a huge weight on my life that changes how I view everything else.  It’s not just hard to live this way, it’s torture sometimes.  

I went to a funeral this morning.  My brother-in-law’s mom passed away from cancer and she was a huge inspiration to me throughout her cancer journey.  Every time I saw her, she was upbeat but realistic.  She had assurance in Christ and had a light that shone through her for Jesus.  I always looked up to her and how she was dealing with everything.  But that came with consequences too as I found myself wondering when I had these little break downs if Judy ever did that.  I figured she probably didn’t; she was so strong and so sure of her faith.  Maybe I didn’t have enough faith.

The last time I saw Judy was a few weeks ago when I was taking a meal to their house.  Luckily, the kids were sick this time.  I realize it sounds odd to say “luckily” when talking about sick kids, but it wasn’t anything serious and I just didn’t want them around her in case they were contagious.  Where our previous visit had consisted of the kids being silly and Judy being so sweet and making them laugh, this time I was able to talk to her one on one.  She kept repeating a few things that didn’t seem quite so heavy at the time but as I sat in her funeral they were all I could think about.  

As I visited her that last time, she held my hand tight.  I tried to make small talk but soon realized that she and I were both thinking the same thing, that we could understand each other.  She began to cry and kept saying, “Oh, this cancer.” and “but I know where I’m going!”  Smiling through our tears, I felt like she was trying to comfort me.  And I realized then that it’s not being “strong” when we don’t cry or don’t get upset, that may actually be denial.  True strength and bravery means always putting others before yourself.  I finally get that.  There is no doubt in my mind that she was hurting and sad.  I get that and I understand that on a very deep level.  There is a very real sense of grief when you know you’re dying.  You mourn for what you’ll be missing out on.

Judy’s service was beautiful and honored the wonderful person that she was and gave the rest of us hope through her love for Jesus shining through in every part of the funeral.  But I came home with a huge chip on my shoulder.  I wasn’t sure why but everything just seemed wrong and off and I was getting quite aggitated.  I sent my poor mom off with a less than warm goodbye and as I walked back to the kitchen, a song came on my Pandora station.  It was Britt Nicole’s Safe.  Tears began to stream down my face uncontrollably.  

You keep tryin to get inside my head /  While I keep tryin to lose the words you said / Can’t you see I’m hanging by a thread? / To my life, what I know, yeah I’m losing control / Oh no, my walls are gonna break…

Just at that moment as I began to break down, I heard my 4 year old son crying downstairs.  I didn’t want him to see me this way so I tried to wipe my face as best I could, knowing that I still had long black tear stains on my cheeks but I needed to get to him.  I found him balled up on the couch crying.  I sat next to him and and tried to pull him close.  But he resisted and tried to get away from me.  I firmly held his head in my hands and looked him right in the eyes and gently wiped his tears with my thumbs.  He relented and fell into my lap with his arms flung around my legs and he just laid there and sobbed for a few minutes.  He looked up at me and told me the cat had bit him (nothing serious) and he put his arms around my neck and just let me hold him for a few minutes.

Tears began flowing again as I realized that I was denying God this opportunity to comfort me.  I was pushing away when what I needed to be doing was just letting Him work on me and comfort my hurting heart.  

With no answers and no insight I’m just choosing to curl up in my Heavenly Father’s lap and let Him wipe away the tears.  There are certainly no shortage of them today.  

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40 thoughts on “Cracking

  1. Kim some times we just need to curl up in our heavenly father lap and let it all out. I know I do. He also put us in situation to help us understand what going on around us you and your Aunt are lucky to of had each other. I know sweetie it so hard but Jesus is still carrying you when you need him.You are very special he pick you for a reason.

  2. Thank you once again Kim for your candidness. You give me and each and every one of the thousands of people who follow you hope and faith in the reality of cancer. Has God brought you into some of our lives because of what we might endure? Is he showing us the amazing impact one life can have on thousands… If we just let him. Your journey gives me enthusiasm to share my testimony and to share my faith with all. May God bless you Kim and we will be praying for you tonight and tomorrow.

    1. This is so amazing thank you! That is my only hope and prayer with all of this blogging business. I hate that others mid endure it but am glad that my struggles could help someone. Seriously, and if it makes people more willing to share their testimonies then halleujah!!! 🙂

  3. You are always such an inspiration. Prayers for God’s strength and comfort for whatever tomorrow brings. He is Able.

  4. Amen Kim. My prayers are with you. I know you are ready for whatever happens, but so many still here may not be, and you example may be what helps them get there. Meaning, we need you here still!

  5. Love you Kim, keep on keeping on is a phrase that I have heard many times and wondered what it meant, today I think it just means that. Keep on keeping on

  6. Praying for you, Kim. I trust you will receive a peace and strength to face this Scan. You have been through so much and sometimes we just need to rest in His arms and know HE will take care of us. I do believe.

  7. God bless you all… Hope you have a good day and the children nearly knock you down with hugs when you get home!

  8. My husband has his PET in a couple of weeks. He was diagnosed with melanoma 3 years ago. He always becomes a bastard around this time. Can’t blame him. Just try and focus on things that make you happy.

  9. Kim, I was so thrilled to finally meet you today, although I wish it had been under better circumstances. I wanted to say so many encouraging things to you and couldn’t think of one. I hope I didn’t make you feel uncomfortable. I agree that Judy was such an inspiration in how she was dealing with this. I’m not sure I would be that way. But you are also an inspiration to a lot of people. I continue to lift you in prayer especially tomorrow.

  10. When I pay for you and others, I often pray for God to wrap his loving, peaceful arms around you so tight that you can feel his presence. Curl into the ball as often as you like, His arms are around you and holding you tight.

  11. I’ll be saying these 2 verses for you tomorrow Kim…..”So do not fear for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10. “When my heart is overwhelmed lead me to the Rock that is higher than I.” Psalm 61:2. These are two of the verses that our Monday girls have latched onto, and I thought they would be great ones for you tomorrow. Thanks for you honesty!

  12. People are going to think you and I were involved in a crying-fit conspiracy that day and that we exchanged notes about what to write about (see my 5/31 blog post)… I know these days are difficult. You dread bad news but are just stuck waiting for when it’s coming, not if. And no one can say anything to make it better or fix it. But God is there, at the temporary end of the tears for that day, holding out His arms to hug us through our little toddlers! What a priceless gift! I am praying for you and my husband Ryan too, both fighting cancer at a young age. Ryan prays for you too. Just keep remembering that God is bigger than Cancer! XOXO

    1. I keep trying to check it and it’s not coming up! If you see that someone tried to google your blog 90 times that was me lol. So sorry you’re dealing with this too 😦 I pray for you guys as well and you’re right God is so much bigger! ❤

  13. Hi my dear, I will think of you all day hoping for good news. In french we say “je te tiens les pouces” which means I’m holding my thumbs…
    Big hugs

  14. Your words remind me of a short (15 min?) video by Nooma called “Rain” – I love the story and it’s about God holding you in a storm….. don’t know how one can watch it without buying it (a friend once loaned me a copy) but it is definitely a great visual/reminder about the very thing you spoke about. I think I need to make the investment, the film moved me so. Anyway – lifting you in prayer this morning and asking God to frequently bring your name to my mind so that I will continually do so. Take care, Kim!

  15. Your words remind me of a short (15 min?) video by Nooma called “Rain” – I love the story and it’s about God holding you in a storm….. don’t know how one can watch it without buying it (a friend once loaned me a copy) but it is definitely a great visual/reminder about the very thing you spoke about. I think I need to make the investment, the film moved me so. Anyway – lifting you in prayer this morning and asking God to frequently bring your name to my mind so that I will continually do so. Take care, Kim!

    1. I honestly think I just saw that with our youth group! Is it about the kid he knew who died? I’m not a huge Rob Bell fan, but I’m gonna look it up either way. Thank you for your prayers!! 🙂

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