The Beautiful Process

If you know me personally, then you probably already know that my brain MRI and cerebral angiogram came back great.  No new tumors and no fistula in my brain.  This is, well, amazing.  And on this beautiful pre-autumn night, with Eric and Evan playing ball with the dog and Brit picking me “flowers”, I can’t help but think what the alternative to this would be.

As much as I may hate to admit it, it would probably look a lot like this but without a photographer.  Sometimes I think about what their lives would be like if I had died 9 months ago like my prognosis predicted.  But luckily, I’m still here to simply imagine that.  And I don’t intend on wasting a moment with my loves.

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I don’t understand why I’m still here, why I’m being blessed with seemingly good health while others in my boat are perishing.  Survivor’s guilt is very real and it’s quite troubling.  I’ll never fully understand this until I’m before God and relishing His glory so I have to accept that.  Cancer may still take me before I feel ready, and I have to accept that.  I was at a point a few short months ago where I was ok with that outcome, but it seems with this sweet extension comes reservations about leaving again.

I could get worked up about my PET scan this Tuesday, but for what purpose.  I mean, have you seen tonight’s sunset??  The pale, calm shades soothe me and I feel I can’t worry about a single thing right now.  Not one single thing.

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Luke 9:23 has been on my mind constantly lately.  I don’t know what God has in store for what I need to learn from that but I’m excited.  I had to laugh to myself as we were evaluating teens applying for leadership positions within the youth group the other night.  A common theme was not being sure what God was telling them.  I smiled to myself each time because isn’t this how we all feel sometimes?  It seems once you figure one thing out, there is a new plan.  A new vision.  This is the beautiful process.  The endless molding of us into vessels more usable of bringing God glory.  Keeps us from getting comfortable.  And keeps us from going lukewarm.  So, Luke 9:23 bring it on.  I’m still here to hear it, so let’s do this.

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8 thoughts on “The Beautiful Process

  1. Praise God for your good news! My husband and I pray for you each day. I also pray your headaches ease and go away. Each day is such a gift. None of us know how long we may have but God knows His plans for us. Continuing to pray for your complete healing.

  2. Praise God for your beautiful post. Most know it is the simple things in life that keep us going no matter what our circumstances. Your photo embodies what we are here for- “to love one another as I have loved you” and to enjoy the simple but most beautiful times together with nature by our side.

  3. GOD has big plans for you Kim. We are all blessed through your words, thoughts and your prayers. Your in my prayers as always. Although we have never met, I have been blessed through you and your faith.

  4. I agree with Selma’s comments. You are such a blessing for God. HALLELUJAH for clean MRIs!!! Woohoo! Every day is a blessing and that is one of the biggest lessons cancer teaches us. Enjoy every sunset and sunrise and flower your daughter picks and laugh your kids laugh and kisses and hugs!! Remember the verse from the old testament…He satisfies me with long life. Keep on believing girl!! All things are possible for one who believes. xoxo

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