If you know me personally, then you probably already know that my brain MRI and cerebral angiogram came back great. No new tumors and no fistula in my brain. This is, well, amazing. And on this beautiful pre-autumn night, with Eric and Evan playing ball with the dog and Brit picking me “flowers”, I can’t help but think what the alternative to this would be.
As much as I may hate to admit it, it would probably look a lot like this but without a photographer. Sometimes I think about what their lives would be like if I had died 9 months ago like my prognosis predicted. But luckily, I’m still here to simply imagine that. And I don’t intend on wasting a moment with my loves.
I don’t understand why I’m still here, why I’m being blessed with seemingly good health while others in my boat are perishing. Survivor’s guilt is very real and it’s quite troubling. I’ll never fully understand this until I’m before God and relishing His glory so I have to accept that. Cancer may still take me before I feel ready, and I have to accept that. I was at a point a few short months ago where I was ok with that outcome, but it seems with this sweet extension comes reservations about leaving again.
I could get worked up about my PET scan this Tuesday, but for what purpose. I mean, have you seen tonight’s sunset?? The pale, calm shades soothe me and I feel I can’t worry about a single thing right now. Not one single thing.
Luke 9:23 has been on my mind constantly lately. I don’t know what God has in store for what I need to learn from that but I’m excited. I had to laugh to myself as we were evaluating teens applying for leadership positions within the youth group the other night. A common theme was not being sure what God was telling them. I smiled to myself each time because isn’t this how we all feel sometimes? It seems once you figure one thing out, there is a new plan. A new vision. This is the beautiful process. The endless molding of us into vessels more usable of bringing God glory. Keeps us from getting comfortable. And keeps us from going lukewarm. So, Luke 9:23 bring it on. I’m still here to hear it, so let’s do this.