Processing the Cancer Diagnosis…Again

It’s really hard to explain how I’m feeling right now.  Part of me knew this was coming and another part feels completely betrayed.  Part of me sees the opportunity for growth again and part of me resents the notion entirely.  Part of me feels eternally hopeful and part of me feels like this is the beginning of the end.

Part of me has accepted it and part of me still can’t believe it’s true. 

These feelings have been haunting me since Tuesday morning at 4am when the ER doctor told me the news.  Frustration doesn’t even begin to describe what I felt.  I mean, it didn’t make sense.  The CT scan was to check my pancreas!  My liver should have nothing to do with this!  But alas, a trip to see my oncologist later that morning confirmed that there are 3 tumors in my liver and I need to start chemo up again as soon as possible.

I felt like I got a nice roundhouse kick in the face. 

It’s just been a lot to process.  And with tons of other things going on, I didn’t really have the time to do so until today.  The first time I’ve really been alone since it all happened was in the car this morning on the way to church, which is about a 20 minute drive.  After a few minutes, I remembered that I was alone and that I didn’t have to listen to music performed by salad ingredients so I turned on the radio and there it was.  Chris Tomlin’s “Whom Shall I Fear”.  This song was a huge source of comfort the first time around and I purposely have been skipping it on my playlists for the past few days because I didn’t want to hear from God, quite honestly.  It wasn’t that I was mad at Him, it wasn’t that I blamed Him, I just had so much frustration and pain in my heart and, as weird as it sounds, I wanted to keep it.  I wanted to be bitter.  I wanted to keep my grievance rather than dealing with it.  I’m not saying that’s healthy or mature, but it is what it is. 

God often uses music to soften my heart to Him when I’m trying to shut Him out and He definitely did that for me this morning.  How do I know for sure it was Him?  Well, the first line of the next song went “Hold it all together, everybody needs you strong…” and that’s when I cried.  For the third time since I got the news.  The first time was when the doctor first told me and it was out of complete frustration.  Last night, it was sadness because our son, who is 5, said as he rubbed my face, “Don’t worry Mommy.  When you get to heaven you won’t have cancer anymore.”  Broke my heart that he even had to think about that at his age.  And then there was this morning where there was finally some acceptance.

The Casting Crowns song “Just Be Held” had come on the radio this morning and, honestly, I wanted to turn it off.  But I didn’t.  It’s a song I know but somehow the words hit me so much differently today.  Take a listen if you could use some encouragement. Casting Crowns “Just Be Held”

So I guess I’m ready to face this, or at least getting there.  Thanks for the outpouring of love and support ❤

If your eyes are on the storm, you’ll wonder if I love you still
But if your eyes are on the cross,
You’ll know I always have and I always will

.

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9 thoughts on “Processing the Cancer Diagnosis…Again

  1. Kim-
    Your brutal honesty of your hand is inspirational. Words will completely fail from any of us saying ‘we know how you feel………..’

    But there is One who does know; completely, perfectly, but you already know this.
    He is error free, and His ways past finding out………….but He allows us to know His secrets.

    Keep posting, and keep hoping.

  2. “Just Be Held” touched my heart this week too. So much confusion and struggle some days but we can rest knowing ” The Lord will fight for us” exodus 14:14
    Keep sharing. Been so blessed by it.

  3. I cried as I read this, because you’ve touched many chords in me. Crying for you and all you’ve worked through with the help of God, and what it must be like for you to be back in that zone- the one you just recently felt triumphant over…. and less scary sad, I was also crying for me because you said words that I’ve felt and battled with even without the experience of cancer – living in those moments of bitterness, and not allowing myself to utilize the comfort of the words and messages buried within songs and music written just for the purpose of comforting us… Aw Kim…. thank you for sharing; your words, your struggle, your triumphs, your REAL-ness! Bless you. I will continue to lift you and your doctors and your family in prayer. I am so thankful for your ministry through blogging but am sorry for the reason behind it. Take care…

  4. Kim, just when you finally felt you had gotten over most of the shock, total disruption and complete reorganization of your life, you find the courage to face and share this “is what it is” experience with others! You minister all of us – whether a life-coper, survivor or a veteran, when life turns upside down – your fearless nature and faith brings us strength of focus instead of being fearful. Prayers continue. Thank you, sweetheart, for not shifting your experiences under the pink rug…

  5. Kim, You have been and continue to be an inspiration and blessing to others. You share your heart. My husband and I pray for you every day. We have been since I first heard a prayer request for you at church. We will continue to pray every day. I cannot begin to know what you are going through but I do know God is with you and will continue to be with you through this trial. He will give you the strength you need. Let Him hold you and carry you when you need Him to. Praying for complete healing.

  6. Hi, Kim, even when faced with difficult news you bare your soul and inspire others which which not only supports other cancer patients in their fight but also expresses their emotions as well. I often share with my sister your blogs just so she knows her feelings are “normal”. God knows us so well and it is a blessing that He understands our moods and how to respond to them. We are so lucky to live in a country where we have the privilege of worshipping Him so freely! God be your strength during these difficult days. May His blessings continue to be upon you and your family!

  7. Kim, You have been in my thoughts often the last few days. I have been praying for you! I know you don’t know me, i have been following your blog for a while. Your life and faith and your closeness to Jesus have inspired me… really has given me reason to pause and think. I will continue to talk to Jesus about you and ask him for another miracle…and ask him to give you some more of his sweet peace!

  8. Dear Kim,
    Your words of faith touch me like no one ever has. I will continue to pray for you and your family dear lady. I pray for the chance to meet you.
    In God’s name…

  9. Hi Kim,

    Your news is so hard………..like a punch in the stomach for you………Rick and I have you in our prayers; processing this must be difficult. He knows exactly how difficult this must be for you. He will continue to be your high tower, your faithful friend and companion through this storm. He will be STRONG in you, his love will lift you up and give you strength. He speaks to you through music to comfort you and to put his loving arms around you and your family. Sending much love your way………we are thinking about a lasagna delivery…..Adele and Rick

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