It’s really hard to explain how I’m feeling right now. Part of me knew this was coming and another part feels completely betrayed. Part of me sees the opportunity for growth again and part of me resents the notion entirely. Part of me feels eternally hopeful and part of me feels like this is the beginning of the end.
Part of me has accepted it and part of me still can’t believe it’s true.
These feelings have been haunting me since Tuesday morning at 4am when the ER doctor told me the news. Frustration doesn’t even begin to describe what I felt. I mean, it didn’t make sense. The CT scan was to check my pancreas! My liver should have nothing to do with this! But alas, a trip to see my oncologist later that morning confirmed that there are 3 tumors in my liver and I need to start chemo up again as soon as possible.
I felt like I got a nice roundhouse kick in the face.
It’s just been a lot to process. And with tons of other things going on, I didn’t really have the time to do so until today. The first time I’ve really been alone since it all happened was in the car this morning on the way to church, which is about a 20 minute drive. After a few minutes, I remembered that I was alone and that I didn’t have to listen to music performed by salad ingredients so I turned on the radio and there it was. Chris Tomlin’s “Whom Shall I Fear”. This song was a huge source of comfort the first time around and I purposely have been skipping it on my playlists for the past few days because I didn’t want to hear from God, quite honestly. It wasn’t that I was mad at Him, it wasn’t that I blamed Him, I just had so much frustration and pain in my heart and, as weird as it sounds, I wanted to keep it. I wanted to be bitter. I wanted to keep my grievance rather than dealing with it. I’m not saying that’s healthy or mature, but it is what it is.
God often uses music to soften my heart to Him when I’m trying to shut Him out and He definitely did that for me this morning. How do I know for sure it was Him? Well, the first line of the next song went “Hold it all together, everybody needs you strong…” and that’s when I cried. For the third time since I got the news. The first time was when the doctor first told me and it was out of complete frustration. Last night, it was sadness because our son, who is 5, said as he rubbed my face, “Don’t worry Mommy. When you get to heaven you won’t have cancer anymore.” Broke my heart that he even had to think about that at his age. And then there was this morning where there was finally some acceptance.
The Casting Crowns song “Just Be Held” had come on the radio this morning and, honestly, I wanted to turn it off. But I didn’t. It’s a song I know but somehow the words hit me so much differently today. Take a listen if you could use some encouragement. Casting Crowns “Just Be Held”
So I guess I’m ready to face this, or at least getting there. Thanks for the outpouring of love and support ❤
If your eyes are on the storm, you’ll wonder if I love you still
But if your eyes are on the cross,
You’ll know I always have and I always will