Cancer, Anger, and the Old Testament

Two confessions: I don’t read in Psalms much and this week I’ve been feeling overwhelmed with anger.  These two don’t have too awful much to do with each other but God has used both to help me grasp the new reality (or I guess re-grasp the old reality) that I have cancer.  I have that poison running free in my body right now.  I have disease eating away at my insides as we speak.  And that makes me angry.  I think it would make a lot more sense to feel angry the first time around and maybe accept it more the second time, but with the news last week that my cancer has recurred and is now taking my liver hostage, I have struggled a lot with anger.  This feeling is a bit foreign to me and it actually was alarming just how much of it I was fostering.  The usual anger I feel is more of a “righteous” anger.  You know the kind, where your blood boils because of an injustice or when you hear someone speaking badly of God or when someone is completely misrepresenting Jesus or is taking the Bible and twisting it.  Stuff like that.  That stuff instantly sends me off, I’m not saying that’s right, but that’s generally when I feel angry.

But this week has been different.  I am mad.  I have had a chip on my shoulder and felt like I’ve been carrying around a huge burden all week.  I’ve been bursting into tears spontaneously, but it’s not out of sadness.  No, I’m not sad.  I’m mad. 

So last night, I felt God telling me two very specific things.  For one, he’s been gently but persistently putting these words in my head: “I am closer than the air you breathe.”  This reminder wasn’t bringing me much comfort until some friends began to pray with me that what I want out of this is fruit.  I want to bear good fruit out of this experience and bring glory to God through building up His name in the face of hardship.  So after praying with some amazing girls, on my drive home I felt reminded that I am breathing Him in to sustain me.  I’m not to breathe in the air of the world, so to speak.  I’m not to be sustained by hopes of longevity or prosperity or good health or superficial comforts.  No, I am to breathe deeply in His love and faithfulness, sustained by His promises and His presence, trusting fully in His provision.

This brought comfort deep into my heart.  A relief and a peace that I have not had any sense of since hearing the news.  The songs I heard the other day were a great reminder that He was still there and today I felt God’s beautiful presence break through.

He also brought me to Psalms.  I typically lump Psalms in with the rest of the Old Testament.  I mean, I like reading it here and there, but I get much more enthused about the New Testament.  I search out and thirst to go deeper into the NT, so when I kept hearing “Psalms” in my head, I wanted to kinda ignore it, but thought I better check it out.  I’m lead to Psalm 39.  Check this out:

image

Life is short.  That reminder may not resonate with all of us, but when facing death eye to eye, you realize that it’s not just some platitude you tell people to remind them to make the most of each day.  No, no.  It’s actually a painful truth that keeps us seeking in the right places, seeking truth, seeking Jesus.

Here, David knows that life is short but he’s asking God to remind him of that, which I never really thought of doing before. 

Although nothing has really changed that much, it has felt like everything was different.  Upside down and backwards.  But I’m asking God now to remind me why I’m here, remind me to be fruitful, remind me to keep relying on Him only for hope.

So here I am at Penn waiting to restart chemo and right after will get a CT scan of my lungs.  And I don’t feel angry.

image

image

I’ve got other things to worry about.  My heart still hurts at the thought of leaving my babies and my husband, and our family and friends, but that won’t ever go away.  That won’t ever stop bothering me.  I won’t let it.  It will keep me fighting.

Advertisements

18 thoughts on “Cancer, Anger, and the Old Testament

  1. You ARE bearing fruit Kim!! Every time I read something from you, it resonates with me and speaks directly to my heart!! Thank you so much for that!! I am happy for you that you were able to lay down the anger and let in God’s peace. Praying for you as you get chemo and tests today. 🙏

  2. My wonderful and beautiful cousin, I don’t have all the right words to say or know the scriptures to quote to you to help comfort and guide you right off, but I can tell you that myself and many others love ❤ you dearly and we all cry and struggle with you but are here fighting along beside you also in anyway we can! I have been a little angry at times for you also and have had to find my own way to release and revive my thoughts to be able to be more positive and get to a more helpful place and peace. You are soo strong and amazing and I admire the way you have tackled and handled this and sadly I don’t know that I could do it myself. You and your family are always in my heart and thoughts and i will continue, praying, supporting and fighting in anyway I can with you. Love ya bunches our little mighty warrior!

  3. Love you, Kim! Anger and disappointment with God are such hard emotions to navigate—don’t beat yourself up about feeling them. God can handle your struggles to find Him in the dark places. If you haven’t already found it—I recommend Psalm 73. It was a lifeline for me during one of my lowest points. I am praying for you and love you always.

  4. Anger understood. I am so sorry for all you have to endure. But, you have no idea how prolific you are as a beautiful child of the most High! Your words ring of faithful truth…so very, very fruitful! You are an inspiration to watch as life and love unfolds. About the Old Testament, you remind me that when we seek the Bible with open hearts and minds, like yours, what is found is spiritual food that transforms our thinking and our lives in harmony to Jesus’ walk. You are a glowing example of being IN this world…but, not OF this world. We are all blessed by your openness and insightfulness. Thank you. Continued prayers for you and your family. ❤

  5. I have been following your journey for a long while now. I appreciate your openness and honesty. My sister is law is stage 4 as well and soon after she was diagnosed I found your blog. I know you said you travel a long ways for treatment. My SIL did too until she had the docs arrange for her to receive Keytruda in her home town. It has made such a big difference in the time/travel monotony! I’ll be praying you respond again just as well as you did before. Sincerely, Julie

  6. Kim you’re so beautiful inside & out. I don’t doubt why God still has you here. He is using you & your story! I continue to pray for you & your family. Hold on to the HOPE you have in God. He already knows your angry. I would be too! Keep telling him how you feel, keep holding on to him, & keep sharing!

  7. You sweet friend are a bright light in this world and you are most definitely bearing good fruit ~ Your blog and life are always pointing people to the life saving knowledge of knowing Jesus Christ personally which is the most important decision any human being can ever choose to make. Love you and I’m so thankful that you are in my life ❤

  8. Are you restarting on Keytruda Kim? They just pulled my mom off after a year due to possible inflammation or metastasis in the lungs, they will know in two months. Yes, stating death in the face is scary, I try to remember that God has not given us a spirit of fear. Blessings and prayers, Linda

  9. Wow, how do you write so well under such news? I’ll tell you one thing, your mind is not affected by cancer! You are an amazing woman and your footprint on this earth legendary. You look so pretty in that pic; hard to believe that picture is of you getting chemo! Adorable kids also! Thank you, thank you, thank you for your honesty! Although this is a scary situation for you, you bring so much warmth, peace, and Christ’s Love to others. How do you do it?

  10. Jesus loves you period. That’s not supposed to sound weak or shallow. God loves you period, he knows just what you need when you need it. He will provide for every minute, every second of the day.
    Keep hanging in to his every word.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s