I needed a brain MRI and chemo yesterday. This is a completely normal sequence of events at this point in my life and I had no reason to believe that anything besides exactly that would happen. But much to my surprise, that is not at all how yesterday went. It was a frustratingly fun day that was filled with lots of conflicting emotions.
So my friend and I leave for Penn a little after 6:30am and endure the ever-so-enchanting Schuylkill traffic. We arrive at Penn right around 9 and immediately head in to check into my brain MRI. Which apparently had been cancelled. But nobody thought that I needed to know that. So there I was, pretty perturbed already and it was only 9am.
My appointment to see my oncologist with treatment to follow wasn’t until 1:40pm! Well, I ain’t waiting that long so I ask his secretary if I can just get the chemo without seeing him first. She calls him and he tells her to tell me to call his cell phone. Ooooookay….
So then I get a rundown that is something like this: in a discussion with his colleagues, they all agreed that the tumors in my liver were not melanoma mets and that I should not get any more treatments at this point (until there are tried and true mets somewhere).
Yeah ok, so that’s good news, great news actually. But at the same time, I’m sitting there in his waiting room on the phone with him when I hear this. So now I start angry crying. Thaaaat’s right, when I’m angry my super-helpful coping mechanism is to cry. At that point my happiness at hearing that they are certain it isn’t cancer is completely overshadowed by absolute frustrstion at the fact that I travelled all that way for literally nothing. No MRI. No chemo.
Yes, yes it would have been great if all of this would have been relayed to me on Monday so I didn’t make the trip for nothing. But, we’re only human and we make mistakes. It was just a bunch of miscommunications and things apparently got lost in the shuffle. I’m not proud of my anger, or the things that came out of my mouth that I’m pretty sure my friend thought were pretty hilarious because she has never seen me that worked up before, but there was a silver lining.
There we were, early morning in Philly, with no kids and the day to ourselves. So we went shopping! Or maybe a better description for it is “walking around a mall”. But still, we had fun. Erica, you were the perfect person to be with yesterday, thanks for taking it all in stride and for not letting me kill anyone 😘
I’m grateful for this news and today that is overshadowing the frustration of yesterday morning. I’m really really hoping never to have a scare like that again though, talk about your existential crisis!! Perhaps this all happened because I was getting too comfortable in my no-active-cancer zone. As weird as it sounds, I don’t want to forget what it felt like to be dying. Because it was then I was really living. Truly, I don’t care if that sounds corny. I’ve never felt more alive, more aware, more purpose than when I was dying. This also showed me just how swiftly this reprieve of sorts can be taken away. The cancer can come back anytime, anywhere. Melanoma is no joke, y’all. So I’ll keep this experience close to my heart as we move forward with MRI and CT scans in January.
Thanks to everyone who has drawn up alongside us during this journey. Your support and prayers do not go unnoticed or unappreciated. I may not have health, but I have a great support system, and when you don’t have health, that is of infinite value. You guys are amazing. Thank you ❤