Tears

The other night, the night after speaking to my oncologist, I laid there with his voice running through my head.  I found myself no longer just accepting the news, but trying to make sense of it, trying desperately to put it in perspective.

There is no sign of cancer in me.  My brain tumor is unchanged (possibly dead) with no new mets, my abdominal MRI showed the tumors in my liver were benign and the chest CT showed no change.  The lymph nodes in my lungs are still enlarged but there is no sign of active cancer or metastasis.  For all I know, there may not even be cancer in me at all.  I’m still here.  I’m still freaking here.

I laid there smiling through the tears because I was so in that moment. I thought about how I’m still here and still able to siphon my husband’s body heat on this bitter cold night.  Still able to hear my son snoring away through the thin wall that separates us.  Still able to check on my daughter as in her sleepy stupor she had woken up crying because she couldn’t find her beloved blanky that was of course right under her.  I listened to the dog trying unsuccessfully to scratch his ear from under our bed where he likes to sleep.  I laid on my soft pillow and let the tears silently stream from my cheeks soaking the pillow case as I soaked in my favorite sounds. 

A song began to play in my head.

You’re a good, good Father
It’s who You are, it’s who You are, it’s who You are
And I’m loved by You
It’s who I am….

I’m convinced I will never fully understand this reprieve I’ve been given, it’s too big and just difficult.  But I’m so grateful to still be here and able to give and love and feel and cry and hurt and smile and laugh and grow in the Lord and do all of the things I’ve been created to do.  In a way it feels like a chapter of my life has closed.  Of course cancer could rear it’s ugly head again at any time, but I finally feel a peace about feeling good and that feels, well, good.

Some things will take some time.  I still mentally cannot plan more than a few weeks in advance.  There is an absolute mental block there.  Something may make its way onto the calendar, but for the most part I’m still in the mindset of “day by day”.  I still over think just about everything, but I don’t think that’s all bad.  In some ways things are completely back to normal and in other ways things will never be the same, but either way I have gratitude, joy, and a peace that cannot come from anywhere but God himself.

Chris Tomlin’s ministry has been so present and important in this journey.  (Oddly enough, through a friend who knows him, he actually knows this – how weird is that?).  But here’s a song that just reaches my soul and guts me spiritually when I hear it – in a good way.  He’s one of the few artists that can make me ugly cry with great consistency lol.  Here’s “Good Good Father”
Chris Tomlin – Good Good Father

Thanks to everyone who’s been praying.  I don’t take that lightly or for granted.  I’ve seen prayer change things and I know its power and I hope you know how deeply I appreciate that support. Love you guys so much ❤ thanks again.

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45 thoughts on “Tears

  1. We love belting this song In the car! So happy for you! Kim, are you still getting keytruda or is that still on hold? Thank you for answering.

  2. Oh! Bless The Lord! Bless His Holy Name! We’re just so Thankful to God for His Goodness and Grace being demonstrated to us through You right now! We’re so Happy for You Sweet One! Hugs

  3. Just getting ready to head to bed,thought I’d check my computer one more time,I’m so glad I did,I have been so blessed by your posts and the way the Lord has used you on this journey,His grace and mercy is so beyond comprehension,I REJOICE WITH YOU, HE IS A GOOD,GOOD GOD!!!

  4. Praising God for His faithfulness in your life. Kim, you are such a blessing. May God continue to use you for His kingdom sharing the gospel.

  5. God is gracious and we are thankful for His blessings. May He continue to pour His blessings upon you and your family. Have a great day in His name!

  6. Omg,Kim…that is truly a MIRACLE and a BLESSING…I have followed your long journey thru Scott and Annette…said many,many prayers of hope on your behalf. I’m so glad for this wonderful news for you!! That is so AMAZING…OUR GOD IS SUCH AN AMAZING,AWESOME GOD!!!

    1. Haha yes my husband teases me saying that God healed me because he was tired of hearing my name lol! Of course he’s joking, God is so good and it’s so awesome and undeserved! Thanks for your kind words ❤

  7. The LORD has a plan for your life! To minister to others in such a big way! Understanding the emotions of others facing the same thing and the real possibility of death… Have you considered writing a book? God is and will continue using you for HIS glory!

  8. Please think about publishing any journal or your blog and putting it out in book form. You touch my heart, brain and inspire me and I know you could others. My brother is a published writer of 6 books now. If you think you would like to put your journey out there maybe he could help show you how he went about finding a publisher. Your faith, family and determination is so inspiring. Many have been on this journey with your through facebook. I know we have never met but I know a man that works with your husband. God’s love shines in you, minister your story.

    1. Hey Cheri, this is a little weird for me to put here, but I’m finally at a place where I would consider writing a book (this is very weird for me to say, I’m not a “writer”). I’d appreciate any advice from your brother! And Thank You for your kind words and encouragement, I hope you know how much it means!

      1. FINALLY !!!!!!!! you could also contact that magazine that published your article, they are hooked up with Christian publishers I am sure. KEEP BLOOGING, as you can see you have a huge impact
        Will you be shopping the movie rites ? will you be involved in casting who plays you ha ha ? J Law ? Keira Knightley ?

  9. God is so good and so amazing. We ask for a drink of water and He gives us an ocean. I have been praising Him for your healing and more for your incredible testimony for Him. Day by day is a good way to live whenever you live for and in Him. Continuing blessings!

  10. Kim, we feel your heart and your deep deep love of our heavenly Father. I agree with your friends. A published writing of your journey is more than a good idea, I feel many people NEED to hear this story of your journey. You have embraced the trust of the gospel and who Jesus really is. You can share on the level of deep pain, sorrow, suffering, with others going through it. And the crazy cancer-in-remission thing. I too love the song, Good Good Father. Please share your lives with the world beyond your blog.

    1. Well Char for the first time literally ever, I’m considering it! I actually even brought up to Eric just tonight that maybe we could look into getting a computer. We’ll see I guess!! Thanks for always being so wise and supportive!

  11. I don’t even know you but find your blogs so insightful–especially for one so young. That said, I’m sure your maturation age is far beyond the years you’ve reached chronologically. You have experienced so much that few of us can truly understand. You seem to appreciate that God has given you a “gift” although most of us would see it as a curse–me included. You have taught me much. I love your blogs and aspire to someday reach your level of theological insight. God Bless!

    1. Wow! Thank you for this! I’m always blown away when I can trick people into thinking I’m spiritually mature (jk!). God’s been good to me and I’m happy to pass along any insight He gives me. Thanks for being so kind ❤

  12. Beautiful!!!! So happy that your scans are SO GOOD. You have a wonderful way of expressing your feelings. I think we cancer survivors are fully aware of everyday things that are SO PRECIOUS!!!!!!!!! The normal is sacred. Adele

  13. Blessings to you , Kim ! Grace and I have prayed for you often and are so over joyed to hear this wonderful report

    1. Wow hi Megan! I just saw this and read your post about everything that happened and my heart just sank. I have just been there and had those thoughts and struggles, and the ones especially about your daughter, just hit so close to home. Please let me know if you have any new news and please feel free to stay in touch!! I just said a prayer for you ❤❤

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