The other night, the night after speaking to my oncologist, I laid there with his voice running through my head. I found myself no longer just accepting the news, but trying to make sense of it, trying desperately to put it in perspective.
There is no sign of cancer in me. My brain tumor is unchanged (possibly dead) with no new mets, my abdominal MRI showed the tumors in my liver were benign and the chest CT showed no change. The lymph nodes in my lungs are still enlarged but there is no sign of active cancer or metastasis. For all I know, there may not even be cancer in me at all. I’m still here. I’m still freaking here.
I laid there smiling through the tears because I was so in that moment. I thought about how I’m still here and still able to siphon my husband’s body heat on this bitter cold night. Still able to hear my son snoring away through the thin wall that separates us. Still able to check on my daughter as in her sleepy stupor she had woken up crying because she couldn’t find her beloved blanky that was of course right under her. I listened to the dog trying unsuccessfully to scratch his ear from under our bed where he likes to sleep. I laid on my soft pillow and let the tears silently stream from my cheeks soaking the pillow case as I soaked in my favorite sounds.
A song began to play in my head.
You’re a good, good Father
It’s who You are, it’s who You are, it’s who You are
And I’m loved by You
It’s who I am….
I’m convinced I will never fully understand this reprieve I’ve been given, it’s too big and just difficult. But I’m so grateful to still be here and able to give and love and feel and cry and hurt and smile and laugh and grow in the Lord and do all of the things I’ve been created to do. In a way it feels like a chapter of my life has closed. Of course cancer could rear it’s ugly head again at any time, but I finally feel a peace about feeling good and that feels, well, good.
Some things will take some time. I still mentally cannot plan more than a few weeks in advance. There is an absolute mental block there. Something may make its way onto the calendar, but for the most part I’m still in the mindset of “day by day”. I still over think just about everything, but I don’t think that’s all bad. In some ways things are completely back to normal and in other ways things will never be the same, but either way I have gratitude, joy, and a peace that cannot come from anywhere but God himself.
Chris Tomlin’s ministry has been so present and important in this journey. (Oddly enough, through a friend who knows him, he actually knows this – how weird is that?). But here’s a song that just reaches my soul and guts me spiritually when I hear it – in a good way. He’s one of the few artists that can make me ugly cry with great consistency lol. Here’s “Good Good Father”
Chris Tomlin – Good Good Father
Thanks to everyone who’s been praying. I don’t take that lightly or for granted. I’ve seen prayer change things and I know its power and I hope you know how deeply I appreciate that support. Love you guys so much ❤ thanks again.