Hey guys! I know it has been an obscene amount of time and for that I apologize. I had felt lead to focus my ministry more on people I could see and touch and less out over the internet. I’ve enjoyed these last few months doing just that but I have certainly missed blogging quite a bit. Not so much in the writing but in the connection with others that this has brought me.
I received an email today from a sweet friend who has been following this journey and was checking to make sure I was ok. I realized when I read her kind and sincere words that I may have left a few of ya hanging – never my intent! Anyway, you should know I’m fine. I have problems here and there but in the grand scheme of things, they are completely minor.
Considering at this point two years ago I was literally planning my own funeral, things are definitely looking just fine.
But I’m faced with an issue tonight that I had to really confront after reading That email.
I have my three month scans (PET/CT and brain MRI) tomorrow and, well… I’m scared. There have been some major changes recently just all around in life and I’m not dealing well mentally with them and all I can think is that this is all preparation for the horrible things that will pop up on my scans tomorrow. Crazy, right? Obvi. I mean, come on, doesn’t the world revolve around me??
So I did what any sane person would do. I made and froze 10 jars of pesto.
For some reason, I’ve found it super relaxing to massacre the things from our garden in the form of freezing or canning *shrug*
So I guess I’m blogging tonight to let everyone know that I’m ok…
…And that I’m not ok. I’m so painfully aware of what it will mean if something pops up on a scan. I’m still and always trusting God but I still feel anxiety for what a bad scan will mean. My kids finally know what it’s like to live a normal life. They have a mommy here everyday and tucking them in at night. I feel totally fine – well at least fine enough to be everything they need to feel a sense of normalcy.
And that could all be gone if something is found tomorrow.
God is still good. No. Matter. What. And I truly believe that. He loves my family even more than I do and so anything that happens will ultimately be for their benefit, as that is always the prayer of my heart.
But I’m not sure I’m strong enough to deal if something is found. Yes, God is still good!! But…in my human-ness, I feel anxious and afraid.
I would absolutely covet your prayers. I have not a single doubt that that is what has gotten me this far. I thank you all for being so amazing.
I know that no matter what happens tomorrow, that life is good. God is good. And we will keep going with His help!! ❤