Tag Archives: pet scan

God is Still Good…And Cancer Still Sucks

Hey guys! I know it has been an obscene amount of time and for that I apologize.  I had felt lead to focus my ministry more on people I could see and touch and less out over the internet.  I’ve enjoyed these last few months doing just that but I have certainly missed blogging quite a bit.  Not so much in the writing but in the connection with others that this has brought me.

I received an email today from a sweet friend who has been following this journey and was checking to make sure I was ok.  I realized when I read her kind and sincere words that I may have left a few of ya hanging – never my intent!  Anyway, you should know I’m fine.  I have problems here and there but in the grand scheme of things, they are completely minor. 

Considering at this point two years ago I was literally planning my own funeral, things are definitely looking just fine.  

But I’m faced with an issue tonight that I had to really confront after reading That email. 

I have my three month scans (PET/CT and brain MRI) tomorrow and, well… I’m scared.  There have been some major changes recently just all around in life and I’m not dealing well mentally with them and all I can think is that this is all preparation for the horrible things that will pop up on my scans tomorrow.  Crazy, right?  Obvi. I mean, come on, doesn’t the world revolve around me??

 So I did what any sane person would do.  I made and froze 10 jars of pesto.

For some reason, I’ve found it super relaxing to massacre the things from our garden in the form of freezing or canning *shrug*

So I guess I’m blogging tonight to let everyone know that I’m ok…

…And that I’m not ok.  I’m so painfully aware of what it will mean if something pops up on a scan.  I’m still and always trusting God but I still feel anxiety for what a bad scan will mean.  My kids finally know what it’s like to live a normal life. They have a mommy here everyday and tucking them in at night.  I feel totally fine – well at least fine enough to be everything they need to feel a sense of normalcy.  

And that could all be gone if something is found tomorrow.

God is still good. No. Matter. What.  And I truly believe that.  He loves my family even more than I do and so anything that happens will ultimately be for their benefit, as that is always the prayer of my heart.

But I’m not sure I’m strong enough to deal if something is found.  Yes, God is still good!! But…in my human-ness, I feel anxious and afraid. 

I would absolutely covet your prayers.  I have not a single doubt that that is what has gotten me this far.  I thank you all for being so amazing.

I know that no matter what happens tomorrow, that life is good. God is good. And we will keep going with His help!! ❤

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PET Scan Musings

I’m sitting here waiting for another PET scan.  I must admit, the quiet and privacy of the waiting room is actually quite nice.  And hey!  Free drinks!

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This is the first time I haven’t felt any anxiety over a scan.  I’m not freaking out at what the results will be, I’m not thinking worst case scenarios, I’m just kind of in a good place and I’m hoping it can stay this way.

But where my mind on my health is calm and collected, spiritually my brain is scattered in 1,000 directions.  My heart is heavy for those facing major trials, I’m anxious for those who are seemingly wanting to find faith but don’t want to commit yet (I understand the feeling certainly, I’m not being pushy, but I feel anxiety nonetheless), I feel nauseous over how I feel so powerless to change anything.

But for the last few days, I’ve been writing on the back of my hand certain verses that have been running around my head and it’s actually been a really effective way to keep these thoughts fresh in my mind all the time.  And (bonus) lots of people ask about it:

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Here’s the best I can figure from putting these three together: Christ died for me.  If I don’t truly believe that then I am doing more harm than good to the cause.  If I do truly believe it, then it is a call to action.  I am to deny myself, pick up my cross, and follow Jesus.  I have to.  It’s my call.  It’s everyone’s call.  Deny myself!  And Galatians 3:21 says, “I do not treat the grace of God as meaningless.”

Man that’s powerful.  Because don’t we often, even if unintentionally, downplay how crucial grace is to this whole business.  It’s the only way.  It’s the only way.  And when we realize what we have received, then we can go forth and act.  Serve.  Love.  Share. 

Grace is meaningless if we then don’t work for bringing glory to God through our lives, our stories, our God-given gifts.

What if we did everything out of a grateful and humble heart rather than out of duty or obligation?  I bet then the church would truly be the love that we are supposed to be.  That is my heart’s cry, to see the church live to please Jesus sincerely, rather than creating a Jesus that works for the church, which we have a tendency to do.

Don’t work for the kingdom because you “should”, do the work because you know what you’ve been saved from and now others just are more important, to put it simply. 

My old self has been crucified with Christ.  It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me.  So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.  I do not treat the grace of God as meaningless.  For if keeping the law could make us right with God, then there was no need for Christ to die.(Galatians 3:20-21 – emphasis added).

What I REALLY Want to Say to My Oncologist…

Ahh, everyone’s favorite part after a test or scan: waiting on results!  Yay!  Guys, I’m not trying to brag but I think I’m handling it really well this time.  I had a little extra time last night when I was, you know, not sleeping so I made a few memes.  Just for fun.  No particular theme.

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And my personal favorite….

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I’ll let you know if I hear anything.  I’m not too worried about it obviously 😉

Another Day, Another Scan

The life of a cancer patient is often riddled with tests and scans in between normal visits and treatments, and I’m certainly no different. We are headed to Penn today for a PET scan. I think most people who have had one would agree with me that they’re pretty unpleasant – especially the 6 HOURS of fasting…

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But I also think those people would agree that an MRI is way worse. I always say MRIs are awesome if you like laying in a coffin full of jackhammers during an earthquake.

So I think the spectrum goes from, “X-ray?? Alright!!” to “CAT scan! Score!” to “Aww man, a PET scan” to “NOOO!!! An MRI!!”. Or, at least, that’s how I categorize them. And I have my brain MRI next week. Score.

The PET scan process isn’t too bad, besides the part where the nurse books it out of the room and a machine pumps radioactive material into your IV. Yes, seriously. I figure I’m about one away from starting to develop my super powers, still deciding on what my hero name should be. Cancer Kim? Thigh Face?? Eh, I’ll figure something out and let you guys know what I decide.

So anyway, after that you have to drink 2 huge cups of this barium stuff within a few minutes (looks like milk, tastes slightly better than death) and then you have to sit and wait for an hour or more to let all that junk do it’s thang. They usually recommend you sleep during this time because you aren’t supposed to move much, if at all, during that period. But since I’m a rebel, I do crossword puzzles. YOLO!!

So then the nice nurse comes to get you and take you to the machine and you lay down and then the sweet girl straps you down to the stinkin table. With like huge velcro straps, like you ain’t goin nowhere. I always worry the building will catch fire and they’ll all run out and leave me there. That makes for a super fun hour during the test!

And then it’s all over and I’m free to go! The way it works, based on my very scientific and mathematical approach to understanding it is that the cancer lights up on the scan. Haha, yeah that’s all I got. It’s pretty wild actually, I’ve seen some images of my previous ones.

So this will tell us what’s up. My last one, if you remember, was really good. None of my known mets (brain, lungs, hip bone) lit up. That’s phenomenal, but doesn’t leave any room for improvement, which freaks me out. My drug is so new that they don’t know why it works in some people and not others, why it works better in some than others, and for how long it will work (if it works at all). My oncologist explained it to me in something along the lines of “this drug sort of works…until it doesn’t”

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So, I guess it’s safe to say I’m scared. Once things start popping up again, we don’t really have anything to fight it. I’m trying to stay neutral, I don’t want to get my hopes up for another awesome scan, but at the same time, I’m not someone who likes living in a fearful place. So if you are a praying person and feel led to pray for me today, I would appreciate it very much. Also, if you have any suggestions for a good super hero name, I am currently accepting those too.