I Absolutely Hate This

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There just aren’t enough words in the English language to properly express how much I hate cancer. This disease is cowardly. It doesn’t care how old you are or if you have children or even if you are a child. It’s terrible, horrible, awful, and everything else generally associated with straight up crud. It makes the strong feel weak and brings otherwise healthy people to their knees. It eats away at your body and makes you realize you have absolutely no control over your life. It makes you doubt your sanity and pushes you physically to a point that’s sometimes just too much.

I just hate it.

I hate that tomorrow my hubby and I have to drive 90 miles IN A BLIZZARD to go to Penn for an MRI & MRA of my brain because of cancer. I hate that Tuesday means seeing my oncologist and getting chemo. A drug that I cannot live without. I hate feeling dependent on a drug. I hate that I don’t get to see my kids for 3 days because of this stupid crap. I hate the sleeplessness. I hate the fear. I hate the helplessness. And I hate sadness.

I hate how much it’s been making me cry.

I know that crying can be healthy, but I hate crying, and this makes me hate cancer even more because it’s been making me cry all evening.

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Sometimes you just don’t have the strength in you. This MRI and MRA of my brain will give us so many answers. It will tell us what’s going on with my known aneurysm and also about the possibility of Another. And is my brain tumor branching out? Or was it just an illusion based on a faulty test 7 weeks ago? The implications of my brain tumor growing are more than I’m able to mentally handle at this point.

I can’t do this. I feel like I can’t. I know that I will, that tomorrow will come, and somehow this stuff will happen. But I just don’t feel like I can do it.

I hate this feeling. And, by the way, I really hate cancer.

And in case you were wondering…
Other things I hate:
-Mayonnaise. I’ve never even tried it, it just…ew…
-When people have their turn signal on for miles
-That our bodies don’t recognize holidays as days where calories don’t count
-When the dog and cat stare at something that I can’t see. Freaks me out.
-Cannibals on TV or in movies. Just…why?
-When I can’t remember how long that half-drank water bottle has been sitting there. It’s probably still good, right?
-Driving through horse crap #amishcountryproblems
-Birds. All of them.
-When it’s too cold for just a tshirt but too hot for a sweatshirt

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They’re doing it again…

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37 thoughts on “I Absolutely Hate This”

  1. Kim I love that you can express your feelings,I love your smile, I love you But I HATE that you are facing all this.praying with others that as you face each new hurdle our God will be ever so close and bring you comfort.

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  2. I wish I could give you a hug! Hugs help, you know! I love your sense of humor even when you feel like flushing the world down the john. BTW, you are in my prayers!

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  4. I am praying for you this morning. I know you do not know me but I have been following your blog. My life has been greatly encouraged and affected by your sincere faith. God has used it to break through some walls in me that were pretty strong. I can not say I understand your struggle, because of course I do not. I will be praying for you! I will pray that today you will be encouraged and strengthened! I pray that though you can not spend time with you children today that you and your husband will be blessed by each others company. I ask God that he would continue to heal you. Continue his work in you. You may not feel strong but you are Strong! I have watched you in this struggle and I can see Gods strength in you! Keep on keeping on! Fight the good fight! Hang in there! I also pray that you SEE Jesus today in an amazing way. That it will be one of those days that is unforgettable in Jesus moments! That you hear him speak so clearly and feel him so close to you that you could reach out and touch him. Kim, I wish I could express clear enough how your faith has been such insight for me into Jesus and his love. I just do not know how to say it all so clearly.
    Hope

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    1. Wow, hey Hope, this is so encouraging! I really really appreciate you and this message you gave me and your encouragement and prayers!! I’m not really putting words together right (just woke up lol) but please know how much I appreciate this ❤

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  5. Kim, I’m not gonna sit here and type the words “I understand” and by doing so imply that I actually understand. I don’t, at least not your feelings about cancer. But I do understand the part about hate – a righteous, indignant, holy hate of something that horrible, hurtful, and uncaring. I feel the same way about the devil.

    A while back I preached a sermon and wrote a post about hating Satan. Believe it or not, I got flack from others telling me that it wasn’t right for a Christian to “hate” anybody. Well, sorry…or not….I hate the devil…he can go to hell, for all I care. OH! Wait! That IS where he is going! Yippee!!

    Why am I saying all this? Because it was the devil’s sorry fault that sin came into this world (other than Adam’s stupidity). Sin. A fallen world. All of what you are going through is the result of sin. Death isn’t natural – it’s UN-natural – God didn’t design us to hurt like this. Sin brought this curse, and one day I hope to be close enough to get a swift kick in when Satan is tossed for eternity into the Lake of Fire.

    And my wife hates Pepsi.

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    1. Agreed! I remember one time in my high school girls Bible study a girl asked me if its worng to hate the devil: I said no. Maybe it’s not the perfect word to describe our feelings toward him, but Christians should hate him more than we do, in my opinion. Maybe it would keep us more mindful of the continuous warfare going on around us and keep us on the straight, narrow path a little better.

      This post was definitely just venting. It’s more just frustration that I don’t get to dictate my life anymore, but that hasn’t been all bad, many lessons have been learned.

      Thanks for this. I do, uh, hate throwing the word hate around, but, as you’ve pointed out, sometimes it’s the best fit.

      And your wife is obviously a very smart girl! (:

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  6. I LOVE that even in the crappy moments, the moments of hate, the moments of feeling all of the bulls**t that is surrounding you, you still find the humor…at least I read it as humor, listing all the other things that you hate was brilliant in that all these “first world problems” that we deal with, you are dealing with so much more and continually being able to share all this with the world is a great outlet. Continue to vent when you need to, praise always and laugh continuously. You are so loved. Today I pray that this crappy weather does not hinder travels or tests, that your children have an amazing time with whomever they are staying with these next few days, that the crying is at a minimum today, the results are in your favor and especially that where you are staying has NO mayo and plenty of COKE. Blessings to you and your husband today.

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  8. Hi Kim. I thought I would take a moment just to tell u: I don’t know u but I love you, I love your courage, I love your wisdom, I love your fear, I love your relentless walk with God, I love that u have this inate ability to share your story and without pushing ,you just lead, You lead people towards hope and to God, I love that I have never read such inspiration and u have a writers gift, I love that every time u blog Jen Dunlap sciore shares it and I’m so glad there is a new message from.. Well god basically. I love that you fight with your contempt of this cancer which proves you are still so very normal, I love that you care enough for others to share your own story not for yourself but for them, I just love it, I love that there are most likely Angels all around u (probably what ur animals are looking at) I love miracle whip, I love that even if you don’t want to you succeed at this and your strength ,oh my, your strength… Just wow. I hope you don’t find this message creepy but my respect for you is so immense. God chooses prophets and he had selected wisely, PS: Also I love the fact that if we were stranded somewhere together and starving near death you would most likely face your hate and make me eat you bc that is who u r. Cancer or not :). Lord let your healing hands grace Kim and her family, let them find ease and the comfort of each other. Lord allow this nasty cancer be eradicated from her body, let her travels be safe, in Jesus’ name I pray. Amen. Thank you Kim -abby

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  9. I hate it for you Kim. And am just amazed how, in the face of all this, you keep marching on doing God’s work. What an inspiration that is to so many people!

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  12. Hi, Kim, praying today has gone better than expected and God’s provided peace and grace throughout the day for you and your family. You still have humor even in the toughest trials. I think you are way tougher than you give yourself credit and everyone needs to cry. So just do it whenever you feel like it. Will continue to pray that God keeps you and your family in His arms. May His blessings be upon you.

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  14. So honest it made me smile 🙂 You are a talented writer and although I do not know you personally, I can tell you are an absolutely beautiful “daughter of the King!” Hugs

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  16. It must have felt so good to write this, just getting all of those words right down on the paper………………. A pen on paper can really be powerful….I can feel your emotions reading this. Whenever I am having a bad day,……………I think of you and push my reset button. When I had cancer, one day I freaked out ….I went to the basement and started to throw a plastic container at walls while I just cried and cried……this felt so good, and I could really let my rage out. Rick came down the stairs to the basement to see what was going on……..he took one look and just let me get it all out…. And my situation is so different from yours, I hesitated writing that. Kim, when you just don’t have the strength in you, Jesus will hold you………………… Your witness to others, by sharing your story seeing how Jesus just shines through……….is amazing. Let us know of any way we can help you……………you and your family are on the top of my prayer list. Sending this off with a BIG HUG! Adele

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    1. Oh Adele I bet that felt better after that! It is so important to get it out, I feel like blogging for me has replaced therapy or something of the sort. Please know we pray for you guys as well, I hope you’re feeling better every day! ❤

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  17. Hang in there babe everybody’s praying for you I know times are tough for you. But God has a plan, so trust him Kim we all love you .
    You made. Me cry, wishing you the best your friend always praying for you and your family.

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  18. Kim, my heart hurts for you. I had breast cancer, so I kind of know a little of how you feel. But it is so important to try to stay positive. One of my biggest saves was my sense of humor. I do realize that can be difficult some times. But you will get through this. I wish I could express what’s in my heart, but I’m not very good at that. Please take care of yourself, and try to keep your head up. BTW, I used to work with Terri @ PDQ. Hope to read an “I love” post from you soon.

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    1. Hey thanks so much for your insight. I’ve found perspective is very hard to keep in the midst of things, but venting sure made me feel better lol! I hope you are feeling well and are done with this cancer junk for good!! (:

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  19. Kim, You have every right to hate all this stuff. I hate it for and with you, but I especially hate the stupid adversary ( devil ). he is a miserable, unlovable jerk ! So the antithesis of our Loving God and his wonderful son Jesus Christ. Keep writing. I learn so much from you. Love and prayers.

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