When opportunity knocks…

You gotta answer! Isn’t that how the saying goes? I remember when I first became a Christian and I told myself (I’m not sure what gave me this idea) that I would not say no to any opportunity to serve that was presented to me as long as it was in any way possible. Through this little deal with myself I’ve learned a lot: I’ve learned that I love working with teens, that I’m in no way called to work with children, and that being on worship team is a really special worship experience that I love. I’ve learned that only by making myself available can I really learn where God wants me and how he wants to use me.

So here I am in a pickle. I’ve been presented a chance to speak at a church tomorrow. Not even my own church! I spoke at my church before but it was only 5 minutes, not the whole service. This has been in the works for a few weeks now, it’s just that I’ve repressed it a little because I’m totally freaking out. I’m having flashbacks to speech class and all the sweat-inducing, heart-racing ridiculousness that that was! I’m not a public speaker. No way! But this opportunity came up and I feel like I need to take it. So I’m freaking out. Hopefully no one from the church is reading this, I want them to think I do this sort of thing all the time- lol! So I’ve prepared my 15-20 minute “speech” (not sure what to call it) And I think I’ve read over it 1,000 times and changed 1,000 things and I’m just hoping and praying that the Lord will use me tomorrow as an instrument and keep me calm so I can do something that I truly love to do and am passionate about, glorify Him! And I also don’t want to puke. Lord, please don’t let me puke! I do not know how pastors do this week after week- hats off to you guys!! I only share this because I really think God has a sense of humor. I think He likes to show us that He can use us and some of our most awful circumstances in ways that we couldn’t have predicted or even picked for ourselves. I didn’t want cancer and I don’t want to speak in public, but here I am about to use my cancer as a platform to glorify God. I’d love to hear stories from you guys about how God used a situation that didn’t seem good at first as a way to glorify Him! And I want to encourage you because sometimes God’s plan seems scary (the whole fear of the unknown thing) but when you embrace it, you can feel a peace about your purpose.

I don’t know why I love these kind of pictures haha, but I do! Its a good reminder (:

Infusion #2! Yay!

So I am currently sitting here at Penn in my infusion room receiving my second infusion of 10mg/kg of ipilimumab (Or Yervoy). And I can’t quite explain it, and maybe I’m delusional, but I feel really good! I know that this drug is far superior to my other option, interferon, so I just want to get as much as much of it flowing through my veins as I can! I love that it’s warm outside, even though I’m not out in it, it just makes me feel better to know it’s happening. I can’t really explain this feeling of elation, but I’ll take it! What in the world did they put in this IV?! I want some for home (; Maybe it’s because so far I’ve dodged the “side effect” bullet, but I just feel like I’m where I’m supposed to be. I’m quick to feel uneasy a lot these days and get overwhelmed mentally really easily but God has given me such a peace today. I feel so lucky to be getting this drug (and a high dose of it!) since it’s showing so much promise in advanced stage melanoma patients. Woohoo! I am so glad to have an oncology team that really cares and looks out for me. I am so happy to be at Penn, one of the best hospitals in the world, where the care is excellent and they are constantly doing research and advancing medicine and cancer care. I am glad for my awesome view from my infusion room, check it out:

And I’m thrilled that Cupcake Wars is on! Lol. I just feel happy and at peace and I’m so grateful. Seriously, what’s in this IV? Haha! Sometimes I feel like I should feel worse or be more depressed, and I realize that sounds weird but given my circumstances I am in an awesome position to fight this cancer for as long as I can! Sometimes when I talk to people, I feel like they’re expecting me to feel worse or can’t believe that I’m so positive. People look at me like I’m crazy. And then I wonder, should I feel worse?? Maybe something is wrong with me, and honestly I probably will have a time where I may feel down or depressed, but I’m grateful for today and feeling as good as I do. Sometimes I feel guilty when I see other people going through chemo because it looks really rough. It’s not that I want to feel bad, it’s just that I worry people won’t take melanoma seriously because they see me feeling pretty good. And then sometimes I think too much. And ramble (:

So anyway, when we came in this morning at 8:30, I had to get my normal blood work (only 22 tubes this time! Haha) Then I met with my oncologist and the head research nurse for the clinical trial. I just love the research nurse, she reminds me of my friend Nancee, so I never mind talking to her. After that just had to wait for blood work to be run and then for them to mix the drug so I didn’t get this started til about 11:15 or so. So here I am, just chillin. Watchin Food Network. Haha life is good! I hope you all are enjoying this beautiful day (:

Oh, and hey, while I have ya, what are you doing Saturday, April 5th at 10am?? *enter shameless plug* How about a color run/walk! Our amazing youth group is hosting this event as a fundraiser for For Pete’s Sake, the organization that sent us on our dream vacation to Florida. Cancer is so, so lame. This organization makes it less lame for cancer patients and their families! If you’ll be in the Terre Hill, PA area check out the website and register today! Here’s the link! This is a family event and will not be timed. We encourage kids and walkers to attendance too. Its gonna be a blast! Hope to see you there!

You got this!

So, it’s been a while! Things have been hectic here, to say the least, but it feels good to be back at it. Firstly, I’m going to break the ice by sharing this picture if ridiculous adorability (I made that word up). Get ready. Are you ready? There’s no way you’re ready:

Right?! I told you you weren’t ready. How stinkin’ cute are they? That’s Mater on the left and Buck on the right and I love their love. Why do I think you need to see that? Because you’ve had a rough week, too. I think a lot of you need a smile. Not because you’re some awful grumperpuss (unless, of course, you are some awful grumperpuss, in which case just stop it) but because we are all dealing with a lot right now. It seems like every day now I hear of someone else really struggling financially, cancer scares, cancer confirmations, families and marriages struggling, and even deaths. It’s a lot to take in and is leaving me a little dumbfounded, quite honestly. Seems like left and right good people that don’t deserve this, whatever it may be, are being dealt some really tough blows. And sometimes I think we are way too hard on ourselves for our reactions. Let’s face it, these things are all usually things that blindside us. We’re hit upside the head and left dazed. We feel angry, disappointed, frustrated, all of it! All of which are valid, in my personal opinion, as long as you don’t let it gain a foothold in your life. My motto lately is “adjust and move on”. Maybe that wouldn’t work for you, but for me it’s a conscious daily reminder that life is different than it used to be but I am not, and refuse to become a victim of my circumstances.

I remember shortly after being diagnosed, I was chatting with a friend and an amazing woman and a stage 4 colon cancer survivor (she’s pretty great, if you didn’t pick that up) and I asked her if she ever felt guilty crying. I guess I felt like if I was crying, that meant I wasn’t trusting God and His plan enough. To which I got back an emphatic DO NOT FEEL GUILTY FOR CRYING! Sorry for yelling haha. She reminded me that guilt isn’t from God and that He gave us tears for a reason, so He could wipe them away someday. I just love that visual! Then she reminded me that even Jesus wept.

I guess I just feel like so many of us are facing some really, really tough stuff and I wanted to let you know that you’re not alone. Something else I remind myself of daily now is “you cannot control your circumstances, you can only control your reaction.” And that’s what it comes down to anyway, right? Control? That was a big issue for me at first- I had no control over what was happening to my body and I felt like my life had been completely stripped away from me. Once I came to the realization that superficial comfort just wasn’t the plan, I was able to accept it and roll with the punches. Most days. Some days I still put up a fight or dig my heels in and try to refuse His nudging, but in the end it’s my perspective and attitude that need changing, not the plan. Two things I can control are my heart and my tongue. And I’m pretty bad at it sometimes, but it’s a process. Proverbs 4:23 says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” Everything we do flows from it. Wow. What about our tongue (or language)? James 1:26 says, ” Those who consider themselves religious and yet do not keep a tight rein on their tongues deceive themselves, and their religion is worthless.” Convicting much?? Yikes. And truth is, both are a daily struggle. There are always going to be people who want to believe the worst about you or people who thrive on gossip and drama, and while we can’t control what people say about us, we have absolute ownership of our reaction. I know this now because I’m a celebrity. Check it out!

Lol yup! Its true. We’re famous!! I’ll have my agent let you know when I’m available for autographs (;

Remember, we weren’t built to be robots, we are human. And while that means inevitable failures and trials, it also, praise the Lord, means we are capable of making the best out of bad situations, learning and growing, and coming out on the other side a better person than who we were before it.

You can’t possibly mean ME

I’ve never been someone who had a  clear direction in life. I’ve always just kind of meandered in and out of things and was just good enough at them to stay afloat. A pretty good example of my aimlessness is my track record of majors in college. I started out going for psychology, then switched to theater (YES, theater lol) and finally graduating with a bachelor’s degree in anthropology and psychology. This was after I was convinced most of my life that I wanted to be a marine biologist. I can’t even swim!! I’ve only ever h6ad a handful of jobs because I typically stayed there for long periods of time because I was cool where I was and didn’t feel the need to aspire to bigger things. What I’m getting at is that through the course of my life I’ve achieved some cool things, I just have never felt like much of an “achiever”. I’m content in my comfort. But I’m finding now that God has higher expectations of me than I ever had for myself. He placed me in ministries that I never would have picked for myself and allowed me to be at least semi-effective there. And He put me physically in a place that I certainly wouldn’t have chosen with the cancer. But it’s cool. God knows what He’s doing. Sometimes I feel baffled when people tell me they enjoy my blog and are being helped through it. First of all, let’s start with the fact that people read it. Baffling. Secondly, that it’s actually helping people! Pretty cool. I guess God knows what He’s doing after all, even if I do feel like I’m unfit for this purpose.

All this to say, I’m starting to realize what God means when He tells us that it’s through our weakness that He shows His strength. I’ve been thinking a lot about the story of Gideon in the book of Judges. I’ll point out here that there is, I’m sure, a lot of spiritual depth that I am glossing over in this story but I am not nor do I claim to be any expert in theology, so the best I can do is try to point out the parts that are helping me personally. So anyway, Israel had once again turned from God and it took them being pushed into poverty for them to turn back to God and ask Him for help. So an angel appears to Gideon and basically tells him that God is choosing him to be the one through which the Israelites would be saved from the oppressive hand of the Midianites. To which Gideon replies that God has been absent from them for a while now and has handed them over to slavery and poverty. He kinda goes all “what have you done for me lately?” on the angel. The angel presses further saying that God is choosing Gideon as the warrior to save the people. His reply? “No, you’ve got the wrong one, son” and goes on to list their reasons that God couldn’t possibly mean him! But for serious, Gideon was not a warrior and did not feel that he was qualified to be the one to free the people from the bondage of serving false gods or defeat an army as strong as the Midianites’. (This is all paraphrased obviously, feel free to check out Judges 6 to get the whole story.) So then God uses the unusable to do the impossible! God pared down Israel’s army from 22,000 men to 300. 300! And they, of course, were victorious.

We underestimate every single day what God can do in and through us. We do not give Him enough credit and we certainly can’t see past our own faults for long enough to realize that God can use us right now as we are to work for His purposes all while molding us more and more into the image of His son. We don’t think we are strong enough, or smart enough, or spiritually sound enough to accomplish anything of worth. And guess what?! We’re not! We can’t accomplish anything of worth apart from Him. We must be willing to allow Him to mold us as He sees fit, even if it’s uncomfortable. Or cancer. Lol I’m realizing that although I’m someone who is typically content with mediocrity and comfort, that God wants more for me than that and if I truly mean it when I tell him I want to live for His purpose then I need to be a willing participant. I, just like you, Paul, Gideon, and every other person God uses, are flawed and weak. We are incapable and ineffective on our own. But when we are willing to step out of our own narcissism and be available to Him, he can and WILL use us. In ways we never imagined. For me, my form of narcissism is low self esteem, which I’ve found is absolutely a form of self obsession. I wish I could get the time back that I wasted on worrying about (obsessing over?) what people were thinking or saying about me. But since I cant, I can only move forward. I’m not perfect. If I feel like I’ve said something wrong or out of place, I will obsess over it. But again, that’s me being obsessed over how things relate to me.

We all have our flaws, our shortcomings, our insecurities. But God has two things a lot bigger than that: Grace and a plan. There’s a reason churchgoers sing about God’s amazing grace- we can’t believe He is willing to use a bunch of screwups like us! I pray that God uses me and this cancer for His purposes. Maybe you’re doubting your worth, not only to the kingdom but to everyone. Trust me, you are valuable beyond what you could ever imagine! You are not just some random conglomeration of your parents’ genetics and placed in situations that you cannot overcome, you are an amazing and completely unique creation. Your strengths, and in turn, your weaknesses, are usable and important. You are not an accident. You are not worthless. Don’t let your identity be formed by a world that tells you you’re a product of chance. You are of more value than you know.

So I just went off on a tangent that I didn’t see coming, but I’m ok with that. The Bible teaches us over and over and over again how God uses imperfect and broken people in order to show us just how big He really is. Here’s a funny video about how God uses imperfect people. Remember:

No real update on this end! Feeling a little tired but beyond that really great. The stomach ache was indeed just a stomach ache (: I hope you all have a fabulous weekend!!

Is ‘crazy’ a side effect??

So I’m sitting here at 4am wondering where the night has gone. I’ve had a stomach ache since last night at exactly 9:30pm and I’m maybe sorta starting to panic a little about it. The thing with the chemo I’m getting is that, from what I can tell at least, it’s poorly understood by everyone, oncologists included, because it’s so new. But since it is showing promise in the melanoma community, they need monkeys like me to take it and see what happens basically. Even still, I feel very fortunate to be able to take it at this point. But when you are getting a drug like this and you are in the arm of the clinical trial that is a dose over three times higher than what has been approved for even stage 4 patients, your mind starts to play some tricks on you. Every time I feel the slightest headache or my arm itches or something I’m just totally sure that this is a side effect and that here come the steroids! Of course, so far, nothing has been an actual side effect. The headache is easily explained by two screaming children and the itch is probably just, well, an itch. And this is why I’m wondering if losing one’s mind might be a side effect?? At least off label.

The side effects of ipilimumab (also called Yervoy) are very specific to this drug and most often includes GI upset, rash, headache, and breathing issues.  I’m also gonna take a second here and explain that treatments for melanoma aren’t exactly chemotherapy. Say what?! There isn’t a drug yet available that kills melanoma cells, which is, of course, the goal of traditional  chemotherapy. Instead, interferon and ipilimumab (the drug treatments available for melanoma) are what are classed as “immunotherapy”. The hope is that the drug will bolster your immune system enough that your own body will kill the cancer cells. Or something. I may be way off, but that’s at least my understanding of it anyway. So while the side effects of this drug are way less than some drugs, they can be very very serious, especially in the high dose arm that I’m in. When I was signing the papers before my infusion started, my oncologist and the head research nurse must have told me twenty times how important it is to call them if I even think I might have a symptom. Like I was seriously waiting for them to make me pinky swear that I would call them or something.

So anyway, here I sit with a stomach ache that won’t stop just waiting for a time that’s appropriate to call my oncologist and see what I should do. I’m pretty sure I’ve read every possible bit of information and every single testimonial on the internet about this drug and everything I’ve read seems to say side effects typically start later on in treatment. (I have only had the one dose 6 days ago) so that leaves us with: crazy? And because I am ridiculous sometimes, my mind is already racing with the spiritual implications of this. What would God be telling me if I needed to stop treatment at this point? Why wouldn’t God want me to finish treatments? Of course, everything seems much more dramatic after a sleepless night and I am kind of overlooking the obvious: maybe a stomach ache is just a stomach ache. Since becoming a Christian I have always been drawn to 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, so that is what I will remind myself of now

Chemo Day 1 – with pics! (;

As a lot of you know, I started my chemo treatments yesterday (Wednesday) – and boy was it a day!! We got home from Florida Tuesday night and lemme tell ya, we had a blast! It was so fun to just hang out and relax with our family not to mention visiting the parks and eating more food than should be consumed in short periods of time! It was my dream ever since having Evan to take our kids to Disney World and it was so amazing to be able to do that thanks to the great people at For Pete’s Sake charity. I cannot say enough great things about this charity – they took care of everything for us: right down to the limo ride to and from the airport. That’s right, we were ballin’! Haha, here’s a few highlights from the trip:

This might be my fav pic of all time

We had a great time and great weather – and a pool. It was very hard to come home to an extra foot and a half of snow and the cold air, but we did. Sigh.

So first thing Wednesday morning, like as in 5:45am, my mom came over and picked me and the kids up. After dropping them off at daycare, we started the familiar yet still frustrating trek to Philly. Fast forward two hours (traffic) and I am checking into my oncologist’s office right on time at 8:30! Here’s where the seemingly straightforward on-timeness ends. I knew I would have to go back for bloodwork first so I wasn’t surprised when they called me back for it. Then came the pleasant surprise of it being just a finger prick!! Score! Or so I thought. Then the girl puts about 8 tubes in a bag and tells me to ask them to draw it when they put my IV in. Okey doke. So I take my baggie of tubes and go back out in the waiting room. A few minutes later a nurse comes up to me and asks why I have the tubes. “Ugh…they gave them to me…” She explains that it not only needs to be drawn before my treatment  but ran before I can start my treatment. Ok, back in for the blood draw. The lady gets the blood, puts my bandaid on, and goes:
Lady: “Wait, are you in the research study?”
Me: “Yeah.”
Lady: “Seriously?”
Me: “….yeah”
Lady: (rushes over to other end of room and comes back with bag full of tubes with my name on it) “Is this you?”
Me: “Yeah.”
Lady: “Oh wow. That’s a lot of blood!” (counts tubes) “I never drew so much from anyone before.”

And here’s the damage, 23 tubes later:

The tubes on the far right are what one would normally get drawn for chemo and all the others are for the clinical trial

I think she thought it was really weird that I was taking pics, but meh, I don’t really care anymore. After all this blood fun, I had to go meet with my oncologist and the head research nurse because they wanted to make sure I was aware of the new side effects being added to the list and I had to sign more papers. I am getting the 10mg/kg of ipilimumab, which is over three times more than what’s currently approved for stage 4 patients (3mg) so they wanted to make sure that I understand the symptoms, what to watch for, and who to call if I have any questions. Any. They stressed this a lot; call with any questions or any symptoms. At all. I also need to carry around a packet of info about the drug in case I need to go to a doctor or ER where they may not be familiar with the drug. The good thing about being in this arm of the trial is that I am being monitored super closely. My oncologist told me that while my treatments are supposed to be 4 treatments three weeks apart, most people do not get all 4 treatments because of the onset of serious side effects that need high doses of steroids over a long period of time to treat. The drug can sometimes attack other organs, not as much with the 3mg dose, and it is a serious complication if that would happen. Yolo! (;

So with all that business behind me, I was ready to start my infusion! We had to wait for the bloodwork to be done and then once I got in my infusion room had to wait about 45 minutes for it to be made. Made? Compounded? I’m not really sure exactly but it doesn’t matter.

The infusion itself took about 90 minutes then I needed to wait around for 30 minutes after for observation and for them to continue checking my vitals (which they do every 15 minutes during the infusion). I’m not sure what I expected to feel during the treatment, but the truth is it just felt like an IV. Pretty boring actually, good thing there was a TV in there (:

After the infusion, I had an appointment yet with the radiation oncology department for a recheck and a recheck with my surgeon. Nothing too special goin on there, I’ll need some kind of lymphopatho something therapy for my lymph pathways in my face and physical therapy for my right arm (which is still painful and annoying. If you look at my two shoulders you can see the loss of muscle on my right side, it’s pretty wild).

We ended up being at Penn from 8:30am to 6:30pm. Made for a long day and since I hadn’t slept the night before I was really out of it towards the end. And grumpy. And whiny. My poor mom! At least this came on on the way home!!! Lol

Don't judge - great song!

These first appointments really wreck my nerves and I’m so glad it’s over. I still can’t believe how amazing our friends and family have been through this (our friends are even holding a fundraiser to help with medical bills! These people are stupendous. Like for real!) and God has been so faithful through it all. I knew He would be, but it is still an awesome thing that deserves mention. My biopsy came back that it’s for sure not cancer – wooohooo!!! But I do have a friend (another one!) who is facing some scary things with melanoma and is anxiously awaiting test results from a biopsy. It makes me sick to my stomach. Please pray for her if you can! This junk is real and it’s everywhere. Get checked!!

Brace yourself, Florida! Here we come!!

Praise be to God!! He has delivered the miracle that we and so many others have been praying for – it looks the lymph node in question is not cancer! At least that’s what preliminary tests are showing, they apparently need to do one more test but my oncologist didn’t seem to think anything would come back differently – yay!! And the good news kept coming – not only am I able to still participate in the clinical trial, but I was randomly chosen to be in the arm of it that gets the high dose of the new drug, ipilimumab. It’s only slightly scary to take the lesser-known drug, I was actually much more scared I would have to get interferon (the current standard of care for stage 3 melanoma) which hasn’t been proven all that effective and has just buttloads of awful side effects. Ippy may too, especially since I’m getting the high dose, but I’m going into this hopeful that the benefits will far outweigh the risks. I’ve met an awesome girl through all this whose husband was in my exact shoes (metaphorically, of course) just a few years ago. He got the ipilimumab and she is sure it saved her husband’s life. So grateful for stories like these and people like her who are so willing to help and pray and spread awareness about this bunghole of a disease.

Sometimes I feel like a broken record, but…I don’t care (: I want to thank each and every one of you who has been calling, texting, sharing my blog, commenting on here, praying, messaging, encouraging me, and just being plain awesome. I wish I could personally respond to everything – and I try – but you all are pretty stinkin awesome and it’s hard to keep up with. There are times when I feel guilty when I see how burdened people are for us, but I also see now that that is a blessing to us. I never in my life thought I could feel this close to God and this loved by His people. It’s humbling and ridiculous and hard to fathom all at the same time. Our church even committed to praying for me for forty days – there were time sign ups and ribbons and everything!! I know a lot of people have their churches and Bible studies praying for us and I just wanna say THANK YOU!! I know that God performed a miracle here at the request of His people and so He will get all the glory!! It’s still also kinda weird – maybe because I feel really really good and healthy right now – like, wait, I’m the cancer patient everyone is praying for?! How did that happen?? It’s overwhelming, but in the best possible way.

I hope you all have an absolutely fantastic week! You won’t hear much from me (I guess I’ll give y’all a break…) we are headed to Florida for the week starting tomorrow thanks to the charity that is going above and beyond: For Pete’s Sake!! They have taken care of everything for us – I’m still not sure I’ll fully believe it’s real until that limo shows up at our door tomorrow morning (yes, you read that right – limo!!! Our three year old keeps saying ‘lemonzine’ haha). If you are looking for a fabulous charity to donate to, I suggest them. Their motto is “take a break from cancer” and that’s literally what I feel like I get to do! Our local paper is actually going to run a story on our vacation when we get back (what what!! Celeb status y’all!! Lol) and the girl was asking me a few questions and she asked what we were most excited about and I said how Evan is so excited to fly in an airplane and I think Sis will really love Sea World and she says, “But what are you excited about?” And immediatly I responded, “No appointments, or doctors, or tests, or scans, or bloodwork or any of that!” Cancer quickly becomes your lifestyle. It overtakes your life and becomes the new normal so I am beyond glad to leave it all behind (along with the ridiculous snowstorm that’s supposed to hit in a few days!).

Have a great great week and thank you all again!! God is so very good. He would be just as good if the news were bad, I just wouldn’t be quite so upbeat (:

Where’s my miracle?

Most of the time it is not immediately clear to me what I should write about if I’m not just giving an update or test results or something. And, lesbihonest, a lot of the time I’m shooting straight from my hip. But tonight I know I need to write about one thing and one thing only: miracles. Miracles. I believe in them. I like them. I’d of course love to see a huge one in my life that would reverse this cancer ridiculousness. But more than anything, I want to tell you what I know about them. Don’t worry, it’s not much.

When I very first got my diagnosis, we all started praying for a miracle. Of course we did! For one, God is a good God and is capable of all things, and for two, cancer is so lame. Like, serious baloney. But something kept sticking in my head, “you’re not ready for a miracle.” Whether that was from God or myself I truly don’t know, but either way, I think it was accurate. I got my diagnosis just a few weeks after we had had an awesome speaker come to our church, Susie Shellenberger. This woman was an amazing speaker, a lover of the Lord, and a huge breath of fresh air for my spiritual life. She spoke on several things, but what stood out to me the most was a specific story she told about a remote village in South America and a woman who was healed. Susie’s team of missionaries went to this small tribe, I believe she said about 200 people total, to proclaim the good news! Well, when they finished telling the people about Jesus, they opened the altar ready for all the people to come up front and accept Him! But only one middle-aged woman made her way slowly to the front. This woman had been born with a tongue deformity that had not allowed her to speak coherantly ever in her life. Her tribe thought she was cursed so they treated her as an outcast. Well Susie’s team prayed with her and when they were finished she grabbed the microphone of the small battery-operated speaker they had brought along and she began for the first time in her life to speak coherantly. God had healed her in that moment. And when she grabbed that mic, she began to speak of how God had just changed her heart and how grateful she is to Jesus for coming to save us! She did not even mention her tongue, she was so overjoyed with the true miracle: salvation.

I have experienced this miracle myself. I witnessed it firsthand on Easter Sunday 2007. I walked out of that church a completely different person than when I walked in, and I knew it. There was no going back now. My life had meaning for the first time and everything suddenly made sense that had just hours before been a mystery to me. It was that day that I allowed God to start working in me and through my life. I had been very critical of religion, especially Christianity, before this. “Religion” never made sense to me, but now I could see why! I was doing it wrong. I thought that it just meant playing by the rules and hoping for the best. I thought just believing in God was enough – but let’s get real – even the stupid devil believes in God! It’s not quite enough. I thought since I was a “good person” that God would have mercy on me. But it wasn’t until I could see that I even knew I had been blind. I’m not perfect, I’m not claiming to be, but I can proclaim that I try every day to become more Christlike. A life with Christ is full of paradoxes that cannot be explained in earthly ways: we need to die to live? We will be exalted when we are humble? There is freedom in being a servant? I don’t get into heaven based on how good I am? I don’t have to earn it?? That’s the miracle of it.

But something else resonated within me with this story of the healed woman. This woman used the first words she ever spoke in her whole life to praise God for His love and salvation. She was miraculously healed and immediately used it for God’s glory. Susie said after the woman spoke that all the people came forward then and accepted Christ. Wow. Shows us a couple things: 1. Our testimonies are powerful. Just look at the Samaritan woman in John 4! She spoke to Jesus, realized He was truly the Messiah, and did what? Went and told people about him! And [verse 39] “many of the Samaritans from that town believed in Him because of the woman’s testimony”. Booya! 2. When we witness a miracle, we need to be changed by it and we need to proclaim it! I see now that I wasn’t ready for the miracle. I would have used it to get back to my normal life and do my normal things, I hadn’t been changed enough.

I know our drive home yesterday was a miracle. I saw a rainbow where there shouldn’t be one. There was no (earthly) reason for it. And don’t even get me started on the glitter trees! Seriously looked like Taylor Swift herself came and glitter-dusted the turnpike. In the beginning of the drive, I felt like a man condemned to death for a crime he didn’t commit. But after witnessing God’s majesty, I felt like a child of a loving king who would do anything for me. My sense of peace was so intense that I actually slept 9 straight hours last night. That has not happened often since my diagnosis and certainly not for the last week and NEVER when I am waiting on test results. God is still working in this and He is just as good today as ever! I don’t know if He’ll choose to heal me, but I do know that on that fateful Easter morning, I was making a public proclamation that I was handing over the reigns of my life to the one who made it. Maybe you feel like God doesn’t exist or maybe you think He might but you’re not really all that interested in following Him – I mean, you’re a good person, right? I urge you to dig deeper and look harder. There is a God there and He wants more for your life. He can offer forgiveness for only the small price of repentance. This is my passion and my life goal – to see people receive the same joy and peace that I have. I love talking about it and am not intimidated by the tough questions. Trust me, I’ve been in teen ministry for over 5 years now – pretty sure I’ve heard it all! Feel free to contact me personally if you have any questions that you think I might be able to help with.

I humbly thank all of you who are following my story and who are praying for us and showing us endless amounts of support. I will keep praying for a miracle!

Oh, and get that mole checked already!! (;

Long day!

It’s been a long and pretty emotional day. Eric and I headed to Philly to get my lymph node on my left side biopsied. We waited in the waiting room for about 3 hours before they took us back for the procedure. It involved an ultrasound tech “mapping” the area first then a doctor taking a needle and getting tissue from inside the lymph node while watching it on the ultrasound machine. After the tech was done mapping it, she mentioned that the node was 2cm large, almost as big as my other ones at the beginning of this mess. Well once she said the size I was just overwhelmed with emotion and flashbacks from the first time and I cried. The whole procedure lol. Not like sobbing, but tears streaming the whole time. I couldn’t help myself. I felt really silly with two doctors and the the tech in there, and I’m pretty sure they all felt awkward, but the tech was super sweet and she held my hand the whole procedure.

And unfortunately there’s no news to show for it. They said it will be next week before we know anything. It’s really frustrating and the worst part is they did not seem to think it was a fluke. The fact that it was just one enlarged node seemed to suggest it’s not just a cold or something. They seemed to be bracing me for the worst. So, I will be ready for the worst and hoping for the best. If it turns out to be nothing, it is a miracle. I truly believe that. They didn’t give us much hope for anything else, so how much more could God be glorified if it comes back benign?? Either way I’ll praise Him, but of course I’m still hoping for one over the other.

I felt really down on the beginning of the car ride home, and then I saw a rainbow. I can’t explain it because I’ve never seen one in a clear sky like this. I kept squinting and taking off my sunglasses, and it was still there. I felt so comforted. God’s reminder to remember His promises! I felt a little crazy though because Eric didn’t see it and it wasn’t exactly rainbow conditions but it was still comforting. Then the whole drive home was just gorgeous. The light was shining perfectly through the icy trees and it truly looked like silver glitter on everything. And if you know me, you know how much I like glitter!! The coolest part? I was talking to my mother in law just going over the appointment and she told me how she and my father in law had just seen a rainbow (:

This wasn’t supposed to happen…

I knew it wasn’t gonna be good when I heard the voicemail from my oncologist saying two alarming things: 1. “I want to go over your pet scan results” well, if all was good, it’d be a nurse calling. Also, no mention of the mri or bloodwork I had done at the same time. Just the pet scan. 2. He had me call him back on his cell phone. Yikes. So I call him back and he proceeds to tell me that my scan came back abnormal. I’ll take a sec here to explain the basics of a pet scan for those that don’t know. Also, since I have no clue how it all works or the science behind it, the basics are all you’re gonna get from me! Basically, they inject you with a radioactive dye with sugars in it and then they scan your body to see where the sugars are taken up. Cancer cells uptake sugar faster and in high quantities, so areas with cancer will quite literally light up on a pet scan. You can see where this is going. There are 3 lymph nodes on the left side of my neck now that are uptaking sugar in a way that suggests cancer and one of those lymph nodes is enlarged. For those that don’t know, I had a full lymphnodectomy on the right side of my face and neck (52 nodes removed) and radiation there as well. So here is what it boils down to, I will get a needle biopsy of the enlarged lymph node tomorrow at 2:30 at Penn. I am praying for a fluke! If it is melanoma, then I am kicked out of my comfy stage 3 spot and pushed into stage 4. If it’s stage 4, then I cannot be in the clinical trial that I was signing up for but would be getting the ipilimumab anyway since it’s approved for stage 4. My oncologist seemed to think this would be very odd behavior for melanoma, typically it runs the path down into the organs and doesn’t do a “u-turn” like it is here. That of course makes me hope that it’s just some random fluke and I’m just getting a cold but I don’t want to get my hopes up. If it’s nothing, I can go into the clinical trial as planned. If it’s melanoma, I would probably have to do surgery and radiation all over again but on my left side this time and adding the ipilimumab in there somewhere.

This all makes me sick to my stomach. I don’t know how to react to this. I can’t stop crying and I’m so angry right now. Whether it’s counting my chickens before they’re hatched or not, I can’t help thinking of my kids growing up without me. I can’t stop picturing my hisband laying in bed alone every night. It’s just too much right now. This is not anything I had planned for; I’m not ready for this. I’m not strong enough for this. I don’t know how people do this. Before today, I kept trying to stay ahead of this. When I couldn’t stay ahead, I just tried to keep up saying, “Yup I’m in on this plan and I’m along for the ride.” But I feel left behind now. Like I’m just watching my life run away from me and I can’t do anything to stop it. I feel so helpless. And just so sad. I know it’s not confirmed stage 4 and I know that even then there’s hope. I don’t want to feel like this but I can’t seem to shake it. This song pretty much sums it up: “Worn” beautiful song, but I never really wanted to relate to it on this level. I feel like I’m done trying to make sense of this. I’m just throwing my hands up in the air and surrendering. I know I will have better days soon and things will seem brighter tomorrow, but for now I’m just so, so sad about all this.

But it doesnt change a few facts: I have the best family and friends, God is good, and we are gonna have a blast in Florida next week!!! My sister made this meme of Brit:

🙂